Sunday, 7 October 2012

276 Days To Go - 9th July 2013

So, after the most perfect 6 weeks and a day I could ever have imagined, I have finalised the day where I want to repeat the greatest summer of all time. Tuesday 9th July, 2013. That's a whole 39 and a bit weeks away, which means I'm in absolute agony that it isn't anytime soon. But they always stated that good things come to those who wait. That summer out in Tulsa: I had some of the greatest moments in my young life happen. I met the greatest man, I smiled straight for 6 weeks and, minus a hiccup early on the first Saturday I was there, we both spent each day holding hands, hugging and sharing lives together.

But one thing I must describe to you was that first moment that we saw each other. I had already walked the best part of a quarter of a mile out of the gate where my plane was, looking for arrivals at Tulsa airport. Finally, I saw a busted revolving door with the bollard sign of 'arrivals, this way' on it. Next to it was a lone door with opaque glass. Beyond that glass, beyond that door, was Steven. I took a deep breath and walked through. I was the last off the plane but one of the first through as others had stopped to phone loved ones. How I would have loved that familiarity to do that. But I walked through that door, head up looking. And there he was, Steven. As soon as I looked up I met his glance and instantly broke it, looking down at my shoes and thinking 'I've done it'. I had to take a deep breath to get rid of the smirk on my face and to relax my beating-ever-faster heart. I walked a little faster towards him and, in no time, we shared our first contact. The biggest, hardest hug I've ever had. He whispered 'welcome' to me as we embraced and we let go. I said 'wow, I can't believe it'.

I couldn't believe that, after saying it for so long, I was actually in the presence of perfection.

I won't go into details about the trip as, for the most part, Steven was at work and I was at home. I'll skip right to the end. Departure day arrived and I hated every second of it. I think my family might have underestimated how much I truly did hate it. I cried for the most part of the day and we shared our last goodbye. Unfortunately, we could not negotiate parking at Tulsa so I had to go to the red drop off area, which has a 3 minute limit. We hugged, we cried, we kissed. We never wanted to let go. Finally, he got into the car and rolled down the window. We held hands through the window and, finally, we let go and I let him drive off. That was the most painful thing I've ever had to do. I felt rotten and the journey home was so horrid. Got back to Heathrow and had to go to the bathroom several times before going through customs to get rid of the red eyes. Met my mum and Helen at the arrivals gate but, secretly, all I wanted was to see Steven once again, waiting for me. All I wanted to do was cry and cry and cry but I was told to stop it because it would 'make me feel better'. Not sure about that one.

Especially as, at that point, I wouldn't be with the one I love for just under 11 months. </3

Right now, me and Steven are on a break. Since we got back, it's been a horrid re-evaluation of what we currently have. We had the whole thing and loved every minute, we can't have it for a long while yet. Understandably, that's going to cause a lot of tension. When I say 'break', we aren't physically using voices but we can still FB and text chat. We got into a culture of getting into arguments as, naturally, we are both stubborn. More recently, I've been a lot more vocal due to the confidence I gained whilst being out there. But that's conflicted badly with our personalities so I've got to learn to know when to voice myself and how to do it right, because I've only failed thus far. If he decides to see other people (which, as a disclaimer, he said he wouldn't dare do), I'd understand. But I'll never look for anyone else but him in my life. And whilst we might be experiencing trouble, I have July 9th in my sights. It's still 276 days away.

But it's still 4600 miles away. We've conquered it once. And we want to conquer it again.

And we will, that I have no doubt.