114 Days To Go

If you don't mind me saying, it's been a complete stinker of a week. To run it down, I started this week (Sunday to Sunday) with my Dad as we went through old times with football. I was home. Now, I'm back at Uni. So first bummer of the week is that I'm now 180 miles away from a family hug. Which is more valuable than most things in this world. Tuesday marked 6 years to the day when my Grandad passed away and, yet again, I wasn't there to give and take that hug that reaffirmed love, support and want. Instead, I silently cried as the ones I needed couldn't hold me and tell me everything was going to be away. 

6 years, yet the same tears still flow. Proud to be your grandson, always.

This entire week, my boyfriend has also been without electricity. If I ever needed any confirmation that he is the one for me, I haven't been able to crack a smile all week. Tuesday was our 8 months celebration, but we spoke for a total time of 15 minutes. To put that in context, last event (7 months), we spent about 5-6 hours together. We listened to our song and I could barely hear him say 'I love you'. I've felt so low all week because I realised just how 'second fiddle' I could be. Not having him to talk to, not having him there when I needed him, it leaves a profound gap in my life. And now he's back, I still can't crack a smile. I felt so lonely and I don't know why I can't shake these feelings of not being worth his love.

Wine and chocolate anyone? 

My body is in an incredible amount of pain from playing football on Thursday. It's been 4 years (and 4 stone) since I played competitive football but I put my back out and injured my knee. I feel incredibly pathetic for it. I realise I'm an unfit man who still dreams of scoring that one goal that ends how I think about myself. I'll never get it though if this is how utterly pathetic I am. 

I beat myself up a lot. Mainly because all I want to do is please... and I don't do that.

I couldn't be home for Mothers Day today. If there could be a worse end to the week, it wasn't scripted. I so badly wanted to be there to hug my mum and give her what she wanted today... but I couldn't. That makes me feel even more helpless. It's just over 16 weeks until I fly out and I'm scared that the events of the last week might affect it all. Everything Steven has tried hasn't put a permanent smile on (he got his electricity back Friday) and I'm scared he thinks nothing will work.

I just want to be happy again. I've felt so lonely... I just want a smile on my face.

It was 6 years ago that I went nearly two weeks with a night of crying. I've matched that streak this week and just before. Love's to blame. People kept telling me that relationships aren't easy but I really feel that I'm keeping a good man away from those who are better than myself. I love him with all of my heart; I wouldn't have booked the ticket otherwise. But with recent events, with what people have said about me and for how I'm feeling right now, I don't feel like I deserve perfection, because I'm tarnished.

Who's laughing now? Probably those who I was laughing at before. Foolish, stupid me.