It's just the tiniest bit unbelievable that I find myself blogging right now. I genuinely expected that I would have crumbled into a sense of self-loathing and not wanted to be around anyone. Instead, I've counselled a counsellor, been liked more than Murray's tears and had so many well wishes that, to the naked eye, it would look like I've suffered a bereavement, what with the congregation of smiles and positive thinking! I cannot truly express how happy everyone has made me feel today; Steven included. I've had texts, FB messages and likes coming out of every orifice imaginable. Truly, to everyone who has wished me well, thank you so much. Your kind gestures of friendship have been so warm and welcoming that I don't think I'd be so calm right now if it truly wasn't for you guys and gals! Only a few days ago I had a message out of the blue from someone who I haven't spoken with in 5 years. He wished me luck. He took time out of his day to wish me luck and we haven't spoken in yonks. That's the measure of how big this is and just how much it means to everyone else.
I'm travelling the world for love. Finally, everyone's starting to see this in my way.
There is one thing that has been prevalent throughout this day: people keep saying I'm brave. Not that I disagree with that label, but it's something I've never really been called before. It put everything into a new light for me. I am travelling 4600 miles into states I've never entered, into airports I've never been and an apartment I've only seen through the lens of a camera. And for what? A shot at love. A chance to be with someone I want to share my life with. Through the doubters, the haters and those who just didn't understand, I finally am within 24 hours of another country and another life. For the first time, I could genuinely feel such an elation run through my body when I realised that I'd made it through a whole year at university, passed it and got to the point where I get to spend 6 of the greatest weeks of my life with, hopefully, the greatest guy in my life.
Who'd travel that far for love? Only a lovestruck man would.
So that's it. My next blog post will be from Tulsa, Oklahoma. I'll keep you regularly updated here and on Facebook. Just think, the next time you'll see a blog post from me, I would have met Steven, possibly spent the night and woken up in Tulsa the happiest guy in the land.
Till tomorrow. I love you Steven. :)
<3
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Monday, 9 July 2012
Saturday, 30 June 2012
10 Days To Go
Apologies for not blogging yesterday. Way too much happened to even put my mind to an update there and then. So here it goes, 24 hours on.
I was scared of carnage yesterday. I had a friend over (Zoe) and she's training to read people's minds (or a psychology course, I'm not sure which.). Basically, I haven't seen her in yonks and it was supposed to be a nice little catch up over a drink and a laugh. But she reads these blogs and she wanted to get down to the bottom of why I've been very much not myself. She discovered it pretty fast and gave me some direction to go in (because it was lacking very badly). I just wanted some small things for myself. I kept on putting others first and didn't look at my own wants and getting them through. It sounds selfish, but a relationship should be equal and I didn't feel I was in one. I put my case to Steven and I told him how strongly I felt that, just some more, he is a little more expressive in himself and how he feels about me. If someone you care about so much doesn't tell you the things that they supposedly think of you, how are you to believe they still do feel them? It was a really stressful and upsetting day and, for the 5th day straight, I couldn't hold myself together long enough to not cry. I know I'm an emotional person but I'm not by any means a walkover. I really just wanted a boyfriend who could emote like I know he could but chose not to.
And I think I broke through. I think...
Because today, I woke up to a load of Kik messages and (you'll gasp at this, I know it) a FB wall post. If you didn't gasp, you do not know me, Steven or anything. That is exactly what I wanted from him, just a public show of affection. I thought he never was going to do it, I was scared I was never publicly going to be anything to him but David. He said caring things about me on Kik, he actually became a Steven that I've never seen but always wanted to see. For the first time in what seems like forever, he was happy. I've literally just got off Skype with him and he smiled! He sounded happy! I am just so glad that things seem back on track to succeed when I'm out there. I cannot thank Steven enough for him wanting to do some little things that I like. I love you Steven :) xxx
And Zoe, you are a miracle worker. Without you, I'd never push myself. Thank you babe :) x
10 days. This is the last day that it'll be a double digit countdown for an awful long time. I've suddenly found an air of confidence in myself and my belief that this will all work out. I was scared that, yesterday, I wasn't going to be welcomed into Tulsa. I was going to be rejected and left. Instead, I still believe we can share that most romantic of thoughts. The one where, after a year of waiting, of fights and arguments and love and tension, I finally walk through the arrivals gate at Tulsa International. I look around and my eyes meet with this man. No pixels, no static connection. It's live. My eyes meet with this amazingly good looking guy and we walk up to each other. We're nervous but we're excited. Finally, it all ends. The waiting ends and we have that first embrace. That first moment, that first bond. We hold each other and can't believe that we made it this far. The sky wasn't the limit, we're higher than that in the moment. We are finally, all of a sudden, together. And that will be the single greatest feeling I will ever experience.
50 Shades of Grey, eat your heart out. Who says men can't do romance?
10 days. I love you Steven. :)
<3
I was scared of carnage yesterday. I had a friend over (Zoe) and she's training to read people's minds (or a psychology course, I'm not sure which.). Basically, I haven't seen her in yonks and it was supposed to be a nice little catch up over a drink and a laugh. But she reads these blogs and she wanted to get down to the bottom of why I've been very much not myself. She discovered it pretty fast and gave me some direction to go in (because it was lacking very badly). I just wanted some small things for myself. I kept on putting others first and didn't look at my own wants and getting them through. It sounds selfish, but a relationship should be equal and I didn't feel I was in one. I put my case to Steven and I told him how strongly I felt that, just some more, he is a little more expressive in himself and how he feels about me. If someone you care about so much doesn't tell you the things that they supposedly think of you, how are you to believe they still do feel them? It was a really stressful and upsetting day and, for the 5th day straight, I couldn't hold myself together long enough to not cry. I know I'm an emotional person but I'm not by any means a walkover. I really just wanted a boyfriend who could emote like I know he could but chose not to.
And I think I broke through. I think...
Because today, I woke up to a load of Kik messages and (you'll gasp at this, I know it) a FB wall post. If you didn't gasp, you do not know me, Steven or anything. That is exactly what I wanted from him, just a public show of affection. I thought he never was going to do it, I was scared I was never publicly going to be anything to him but David. He said caring things about me on Kik, he actually became a Steven that I've never seen but always wanted to see. For the first time in what seems like forever, he was happy. I've literally just got off Skype with him and he smiled! He sounded happy! I am just so glad that things seem back on track to succeed when I'm out there. I cannot thank Steven enough for him wanting to do some little things that I like. I love you Steven :) xxx
And Zoe, you are a miracle worker. Without you, I'd never push myself. Thank you babe :) x
10 days. This is the last day that it'll be a double digit countdown for an awful long time. I've suddenly found an air of confidence in myself and my belief that this will all work out. I was scared that, yesterday, I wasn't going to be welcomed into Tulsa. I was going to be rejected and left. Instead, I still believe we can share that most romantic of thoughts. The one where, after a year of waiting, of fights and arguments and love and tension, I finally walk through the arrivals gate at Tulsa International. I look around and my eyes meet with this man. No pixels, no static connection. It's live. My eyes meet with this amazingly good looking guy and we walk up to each other. We're nervous but we're excited. Finally, it all ends. The waiting ends and we have that first embrace. That first moment, that first bond. We hold each other and can't believe that we made it this far. The sky wasn't the limit, we're higher than that in the moment. We are finally, all of a sudden, together. And that will be the single greatest feeling I will ever experience.
50 Shades of Grey, eat your heart out. Who says men can't do romance?
10 days. I love you Steven. :)
<3
Tuesday, 1 May 2012
70 Days To Go
10 weeks. 10 very long, very hectic, very stressful, very draining, very taxing weeks. Anyone who knows me knows I don't do things easy and waiting is definitely one of them. I wasn't born with much patience. About as patient as I got as a youngster was when 6:01pm hit. Dinner was 1 minute late. You know I was standing by that cooker, hoping food would magic its way into my massive gob. (perhaps that's why I'm overweight now then!) I know that (as of writing) I have 7 lecture weeks left in my first year here at Worcester. In that time, 2 essays, an audit, 3 profiles and 4 presentations will have to be made and presented before I decide to get my bags and pack for a happy venture back home.
70 days till I get my 'Love Actually' moment. I can't even look at the case right now.
So, I decided to get my arse in gear (LOL apparently on my spell-check I've spelt 'arse' wrong) and try and bash out my science essay this week. If I've done that, I only have the Professional Studies essay to do on my own. The rest is either group work or DSTs. Currently I stand with an essay that meets the word count and nothing else. I still have to type up the lesson plan and photocopy the examples of work and write the reference list. All in good time and assigned dates my friends. So, as you might be able to tell, I'm buzzing slightly. I'm doing it all for Steven. He knows just how badly I want this work done and why I want it completed. I want it done so I can spend more time with him when the options open up and I have days where I can just lay down and relax about the world.
Much like August 21st. When I'll lay down, stare at the stars and think back to the greatest 6 weeks of my life.
I'm back at placement for Thursdays and Fridays. This time, we are teaching a solo lesson each day. I must admit, I'm getting a lot more comfortable with the idea of being a teacher and standing in front of the class and delivering lessons. I just wish the hours weren't so stupid! Getting up at 5:45am is not my exact idea of a good start to the morning. But, to be fair, I have some awesome people on placement with me who make it all worthwhile. It sounds slightly sad but, I wish next year I am in placement with them again. They just make the whole experience totally worthwhile and fun when you feel on your lowest for months. It will be sad to part from them.
Having said that... no more early mornings for now. I can do with that! The next early morning after placement will be getting to the airport. Cannot freaking wait!
It's seriously killing me that I don't get to spend as much time with Steven anymore. I keep complaining about it here hoping something will change but, again, wasn't blessed with patience. (those going WTF at this point obv didn't read the rest of this blog) I've hit the stage where I feel like I've lost myself if I haven't spoken to him or haven't heard from him in a while. Is that love or craziness? I'm scared that maybe, for a 9 1/2 month relationship, I'm being too selfish wanting him to talk to me, despite his situation meaning he can't do that most days. I know I'm a lot more open about these things than he is, am I wrong to be so open?
Anyone who thought that last sentence was dirty before me mentioning it, go check yourself into a sex clinic. Please.
70 days till I get my 'Love Actually' moment. I can't even look at the case right now.
So, I decided to get my arse in gear (LOL apparently on my spell-check I've spelt 'arse' wrong) and try and bash out my science essay this week. If I've done that, I only have the Professional Studies essay to do on my own. The rest is either group work or DSTs. Currently I stand with an essay that meets the word count and nothing else. I still have to type up the lesson plan and photocopy the examples of work and write the reference list. All in good time and assigned dates my friends. So, as you might be able to tell, I'm buzzing slightly. I'm doing it all for Steven. He knows just how badly I want this work done and why I want it completed. I want it done so I can spend more time with him when the options open up and I have days where I can just lay down and relax about the world.
Much like August 21st. When I'll lay down, stare at the stars and think back to the greatest 6 weeks of my life.
I'm back at placement for Thursdays and Fridays. This time, we are teaching a solo lesson each day. I must admit, I'm getting a lot more comfortable with the idea of being a teacher and standing in front of the class and delivering lessons. I just wish the hours weren't so stupid! Getting up at 5:45am is not my exact idea of a good start to the morning. But, to be fair, I have some awesome people on placement with me who make it all worthwhile. It sounds slightly sad but, I wish next year I am in placement with them again. They just make the whole experience totally worthwhile and fun when you feel on your lowest for months. It will be sad to part from them.
Having said that... no more early mornings for now. I can do with that! The next early morning after placement will be getting to the airport. Cannot freaking wait!
It's seriously killing me that I don't get to spend as much time with Steven anymore. I keep complaining about it here hoping something will change but, again, wasn't blessed with patience. (those going WTF at this point obv didn't read the rest of this blog) I've hit the stage where I feel like I've lost myself if I haven't spoken to him or haven't heard from him in a while. Is that love or craziness? I'm scared that maybe, for a 9 1/2 month relationship, I'm being too selfish wanting him to talk to me, despite his situation meaning he can't do that most days. I know I'm a lot more open about these things than he is, am I wrong to be so open?
Anyone who thought that last sentence was dirty before me mentioning it, go check yourself into a sex clinic. Please.
Sunday, 18 March 2012
114 Days To Go
If you don't mind me saying, it's been a complete stinker of a week. To run it down, I started this week (Sunday to Sunday) with my Dad as we went through old times with football. I was home. Now, I'm back at Uni. So first bummer of the week is that I'm now 180 miles away from a family hug. Which is more valuable than most things in this world. Tuesday marked 6 years to the day when my Grandad passed away and, yet again, I wasn't there to give and take that hug that reaffirmed love, support and want. Instead, I silently cried as the ones I needed couldn't hold me and tell me everything was going to be away.
6 years, yet the same tears still flow. Proud to be your grandson, always.
This entire week, my boyfriend has also been without electricity. If I ever needed any confirmation that he is the one for me, I haven't been able to crack a smile all week. Tuesday was our 8 months celebration, but we spoke for a total time of 15 minutes. To put that in context, last event (7 months), we spent about 5-6 hours together. We listened to our song and I could barely hear him say 'I love you'. I've felt so low all week because I realised just how 'second fiddle' I could be. Not having him to talk to, not having him there when I needed him, it leaves a profound gap in my life. And now he's back, I still can't crack a smile. I felt so lonely and I don't know why I can't shake these feelings of not being worth his love.
Wine and chocolate anyone?
My body is in an incredible amount of pain from playing football on Thursday. It's been 4 years (and 4 stone) since I played competitive football but I put my back out and injured my knee. I feel incredibly pathetic for it. I realise I'm an unfit man who still dreams of scoring that one goal that ends how I think about myself. I'll never get it though if this is how utterly pathetic I am.
I beat myself up a lot. Mainly because all I want to do is please... and I don't do that.
I couldn't be home for Mothers Day today. If there could be a worse end to the week, it wasn't scripted. I so badly wanted to be there to hug my mum and give her what she wanted today... but I couldn't. That makes me feel even more helpless. It's just over 16 weeks until I fly out and I'm scared that the events of the last week might affect it all. Everything Steven has tried hasn't put a permanent smile on (he got his electricity back Friday) and I'm scared he thinks nothing will work.
I just want to be happy again. I've felt so lonely... I just want a smile on my face.
It was 6 years ago that I went nearly two weeks with a night of crying. I've matched that streak this week and just before. Love's to blame. People kept telling me that relationships aren't easy but I really feel that I'm keeping a good man away from those who are better than myself. I love him with all of my heart; I wouldn't have booked the ticket otherwise. But with recent events, with what people have said about me and for how I'm feeling right now, I don't feel like I deserve perfection, because I'm tarnished.
Who's laughing now? Probably those who I was laughing at before. Foolish, stupid me.
Friday, 9 March 2012
123 Days To Go
I'm back home in Essex. I admit, I was buzzing the first time because it was the first time in about 2 months that I'd seen my parents. This time, I just wanted to be home because I knew I'd be in the company of people who wouldn't throw me under the bus. I was so frustrated and annoyed yesterday, but I spoke it out with my parents and they made me feel respected. Something that I think some people don't want me to feel sometimes. When you are made to feel like a scapegoat, you find that those who accept you are those who value you for who you are and not for being a 'yes' man.
I'm so much more than a 'yes' man. I say 'no' too.
I had a really lovely 24hrs with Steven yesterday. Mainly because we are both adults and I was really made to feel like a nice adult at that by him. We talked things out and we had fun and we had a laugh. Me and him have such a good connection. I think I could talk the head off a torso, but he just lets it happen. The weirdest thing is, well, he loves it. I'm naturally very introverted but if I like someone, I come out of my comfort zone and I appear very confident. I'm not a confident person at all, but he just feels so welcoming. Which means, come July 10th, I'll be expecting the biggest hug of my life.
I'll bring the tissues. Because, after a whole year of waiting, you are bound to run and cry down that arrival gate and into the arms of the one you want to be with. Duh.
It's that time in the education system when you start to ween out who's been playing a game. Who's been a true, real friend to you. I got that feeling throughout Thursday. Me and Nicola (my Worcester best friend) had an amazing little session that night with our friend Katy and we just laughed the night away (NB - Nicking Nic's phone and texting her loverboy IS NOT THE WAY to a friend's heart or speech). It's exactly what I needed; that day was going to be a total blowover until they saved it. I can't wait for Thursday though, having a kick about with lads in our group is going to be a real highlight of my week.
76 goals in 150 appearances. I have a name to behold.
I'm so much more than a 'yes' man. I say 'no' too.
I had a really lovely 24hrs with Steven yesterday. Mainly because we are both adults and I was really made to feel like a nice adult at that by him. We talked things out and we had fun and we had a laugh. Me and him have such a good connection. I think I could talk the head off a torso, but he just lets it happen. The weirdest thing is, well, he loves it. I'm naturally very introverted but if I like someone, I come out of my comfort zone and I appear very confident. I'm not a confident person at all, but he just feels so welcoming. Which means, come July 10th, I'll be expecting the biggest hug of my life.
I'll bring the tissues. Because, after a whole year of waiting, you are bound to run and cry down that arrival gate and into the arms of the one you want to be with. Duh.
It's that time in the education system when you start to ween out who's been playing a game. Who's been a true, real friend to you. I got that feeling throughout Thursday. Me and Nicola (my Worcester best friend) had an amazing little session that night with our friend Katy and we just laughed the night away (NB - Nicking Nic's phone and texting her loverboy IS NOT THE WAY to a friend's heart or speech). It's exactly what I needed; that day was going to be a total blowover until they saved it. I can't wait for Thursday though, having a kick about with lads in our group is going to be a real highlight of my week.
76 goals in 150 appearances. I have a name to behold.
Wednesday, 7 March 2012
125 Days To Go
I've got to admit, I'm feeling a little low. Things haven't been adding up so well since I got back to Uni. Granted, I passed my Maths resubmission (B on the 2nd attempt, get in?) and I'm so looking forward to being back in Essex again this weekend, but I feel like I'm pushing things off the rails. Everyone is human and they make mistakes, but why today, of all days, am I killing myself over my BF forgetting one little request? I'm down, I'm crying, it's almost like I'm on some sort of time of the month. Am I wrong to be hurt by it?
And then this makes me doubt everything. I have to keep checking my Maths to believe I've passed.
Now this does sound corny but... I do like romancing a little. I love doing it... but it's never happened vice versa. I've never really been 'romanced', so to say. Sounds stupid to say but I feel like I'm not good enough to be 'romanced'. Admittedly, it's hard to be romanced so far away, but I'd kill for the little messages of affection. I love being in love and I want the world to know that I have love back. I don't give to receive because I know what makes him smile and what makes him happy.
I know I'm a hard person to like... much harder to love.
It's been a week since I got rid of my old baggage and I'm so relieved he is out of my life. For all the problems I've ever had with Steven, the baggage has given me 100x more. I can't remember feeling this happy that my life is all in order, but feeling so low for being hurt once by the one I love. He's perfect, he's always on my mind in lectures, on my travels he pops up, every piece of music I listen to, he features. I love him with all of my heart and I've not put him up on a pedastool. I'm a complete wreck, I shouldn't be depressed when I belong to perfection.
With the way I feel, he's heroic for staying put...
I wish this could be a happier blog. I want to have a smile on my face. I want you to join in with my euphoria at being 125 days away from the grandest day of my life. But I will now have to hijack your hearts slightly further by asking you to visit www.kony2012.com. Joseph Kony is a war criminal in Uganda who, disgracefully, we are only starting to realise. Please watch the video and join the pledge and help up oust the Hitler of Africa.
Just by sharing that video, you've shared the exposure of his doings. Please.
I'm more nervous than ever now. I'm scared this whole thing will hang over for a long time. If I'm holding on (stupidly) for one little thing, what the hell will happen if something bigger happens? I felt the mood change so badly today, almost instantly. I wasn't smiling, I needed to take breaks to talk to him. I needed to splash cold water over my face to calm down, what must he think of me? Am I some kind of controlling monster? I feel like an unloving prat. Because I love him so much, I'm hurt. That doesn't make sense... so why on God's green earth am I tearing up and crying writing this?
All my life I've felt this way, but I could never find the words to say... stay.
I've been sitting here staring at the clock on the wall... he knows the rest.
And then this makes me doubt everything. I have to keep checking my Maths to believe I've passed.
Now this does sound corny but... I do like romancing a little. I love doing it... but it's never happened vice versa. I've never really been 'romanced', so to say. Sounds stupid to say but I feel like I'm not good enough to be 'romanced'. Admittedly, it's hard to be romanced so far away, but I'd kill for the little messages of affection. I love being in love and I want the world to know that I have love back. I don't give to receive because I know what makes him smile and what makes him happy.
I know I'm a hard person to like... much harder to love.
It's been a week since I got rid of my old baggage and I'm so relieved he is out of my life. For all the problems I've ever had with Steven, the baggage has given me 100x more. I can't remember feeling this happy that my life is all in order, but feeling so low for being hurt once by the one I love. He's perfect, he's always on my mind in lectures, on my travels he pops up, every piece of music I listen to, he features. I love him with all of my heart and I've not put him up on a pedastool. I'm a complete wreck, I shouldn't be depressed when I belong to perfection.
With the way I feel, he's heroic for staying put...
I wish this could be a happier blog. I want to have a smile on my face. I want you to join in with my euphoria at being 125 days away from the grandest day of my life. But I will now have to hijack your hearts slightly further by asking you to visit www.kony2012.com. Joseph Kony is a war criminal in Uganda who, disgracefully, we are only starting to realise. Please watch the video and join the pledge and help up oust the Hitler of Africa.
Just by sharing that video, you've shared the exposure of his doings. Please.
I'm more nervous than ever now. I'm scared this whole thing will hang over for a long time. If I'm holding on (stupidly) for one little thing, what the hell will happen if something bigger happens? I felt the mood change so badly today, almost instantly. I wasn't smiling, I needed to take breaks to talk to him. I needed to splash cold water over my face to calm down, what must he think of me? Am I some kind of controlling monster? I feel like an unloving prat. Because I love him so much, I'm hurt. That doesn't make sense... so why on God's green earth am I tearing up and crying writing this?
All my life I've felt this way, but I could never find the words to say... stay.
I've been sitting here staring at the clock on the wall... he knows the rest.
Friday, 2 March 2012
130 Days To Go
Significantly, my first blog from home. I got home and finally got the hug I've waited for for as long as two months. My mum was waiting and we just locked up and couldn't let go. I'm not lying, I was holding back some tears. It just felt so good to be held on to and felt like someone didn't want me to leave. My parents have been nothing but golden, so supportive and welcoming. Coming home just brought back all those feelings of growing up, knowing that I'm not going to get a hug when I go back, I'm not going to have a meal waiting for me. It's just going to be me, grown up, again.
There really is no place like home. Scary to think I can't call it 'my home' anymore.
Me and my mum got chatting and catching up on everything. I showed her my school experience folder (just to prove that I wasn't lying when I said I got some 'outstanding' marks, I really didn't hit any kids) and we got caught up on all issues. And we got chatting about the trip again. You know when you try so desperately to say something to someone but it wouldn't do any good? I'd like to think and recognise I'm in a relationship. A loving and fulfilling relationship (at least at this stage, before meeting) but I don't think people see it as anything more than a friendship.
If the latter is the case, I'm a massive slut. *shows sideboob*
I've had a stunning few days. Only yesterday I found out I'd been called to attend a disciplinary hearing for Alex's 21st (not our fault but our responsibility) but that didn't get me down. Instead, I got a lot of work done and I'd like to think I'm making my boyfriend happy by being in this happy and real mood. Of course, usually seeing me happy either means someone's given me money or the ex's that hate me have validated my reasons for not liking them. When both happens within 24 hours, it makes my smile even bigger than certain people's egos!
I'm feeling a little dance coming on... but I won't embarrass myself... again...
There really is no place like home. Scary to think I can't call it 'my home' anymore.
Me and my mum got chatting and catching up on everything. I showed her my school experience folder (just to prove that I wasn't lying when I said I got some 'outstanding' marks, I really didn't hit any kids) and we got caught up on all issues. And we got chatting about the trip again. You know when you try so desperately to say something to someone but it wouldn't do any good? I'd like to think and recognise I'm in a relationship. A loving and fulfilling relationship (at least at this stage, before meeting) but I don't think people see it as anything more than a friendship.
If the latter is the case, I'm a massive slut. *shows sideboob*
I've had a stunning few days. Only yesterday I found out I'd been called to attend a disciplinary hearing for Alex's 21st (not our fault but our responsibility) but that didn't get me down. Instead, I got a lot of work done and I'd like to think I'm making my boyfriend happy by being in this happy and real mood. Of course, usually seeing me happy either means someone's given me money or the ex's that hate me have validated my reasons for not liking them. When both happens within 24 hours, it makes my smile even bigger than certain people's egos!
I'm feeling a little dance coming on... but I won't embarrass myself... again...
Friday, 3 February 2012
159 Days To Go
Ok... so there has been developments. The reason I have not blogged them yet is to find certainty in where to go next. Now that I received that guidance, I can officially tell you that I failed my maths assignment and not for any good reason. Basically, my handwriting differed too much in my lesson plan to call it my own and the feedback of the evaluation was 'unduly harsh'. However, I still have to resubmit my work with improvements. So I spent the latter part of the evening yesterday doing my revised (typed) lesson plan. 1000 words later, I have my lesson plan. Today, I start the reworking of the evaluation. Minor edits only needed, but still a pain in the ass.
Only one I'll have this year, I hope. Giggity.
What I will say though, in comparison to 6th form, is the level of support from peers has been astronomically higher than I ever thought possible. I failed a lot of A-Level things and I was laughed at. Jeered even.(Snagglepuss reference, for the old skoolers) But here, my group has been so supportive. People fail and they ask what they can do to help. People are struggling and they show concern and a want for you to succeed. For these are the people who will pass with you, get their first classroom with you. They will follow you and you will follow them as you, together, achieve something only few others will ever do in the world at that moment.
PITE Group 4, thank you. You are StARs.
I've had a recurring nightmare the past couple of days. It's one I've never had before because, well, I've never really had a real relationship. I dreamt that I was cheated on. This has happened 2 nights in a row and I'm damn scared for tonight. I told Steven and he said 'well, it's not going to happen' and I believe him. But that's the thing about dreams, they have a horrible realism to them; a want to make you believe them; a want to make you see that it is truly possible. But I am so lucky to even have a boyfriend, let alone someone as perfect as Steven.
Any excuse for a late night, eh?
Only one I'll have this year, I hope. Giggity.
What I will say though, in comparison to 6th form, is the level of support from peers has been astronomically higher than I ever thought possible. I failed a lot of A-Level things and I was laughed at. Jeered even.(Snagglepuss reference, for the old skoolers) But here, my group has been so supportive. People fail and they ask what they can do to help. People are struggling and they show concern and a want for you to succeed. For these are the people who will pass with you, get their first classroom with you. They will follow you and you will follow them as you, together, achieve something only few others will ever do in the world at that moment.
PITE Group 4, thank you. You are StARs.
I've had a recurring nightmare the past couple of days. It's one I've never had before because, well, I've never really had a real relationship. I dreamt that I was cheated on. This has happened 2 nights in a row and I'm damn scared for tonight. I told Steven and he said 'well, it's not going to happen' and I believe him. But that's the thing about dreams, they have a horrible realism to them; a want to make you believe them; a want to make you see that it is truly possible. But I am so lucky to even have a boyfriend, let alone someone as perfect as Steven.
Any excuse for a late night, eh?
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