In Tulsa: Day 1 - Wednesday 11th July

Hi all. I would go on with a long post about the flight, the meeting and the first encounters, but me and Steven thought what might make a better blog post is just one simple photo.

The first of us :)

1 Day To Go

It's just the tiniest bit unbelievable that I find myself blogging right now. I genuinely expected that I would have crumbled into a sense of self-loathing and not wanted to be around anyone. Instead, I've counselled a counsellor, been liked more than Murray's tears and had so many well wishes that, to the naked eye, it would look like I've suffered a bereavement, what with the congregation of smiles and positive thinking! I cannot truly express how happy everyone has made me feel today; Steven included. I've had texts, FB messages and likes coming out of every orifice imaginable. Truly, to everyone who has wished me well, thank you so much. Your kind gestures of friendship have been so warm and welcoming that I don't think I'd be so calm right now if it truly wasn't for you guys and gals! Only a few days ago I had a message out of the blue from someone who I haven't spoken with in 5 years. He wished me luck. He took time out of his day to wish me luck and we haven't spoken in yonks. That's the measure of how big this is and just how much it means to everyone else.

I'm travelling the world for love. Finally, everyone's starting to see this in my way.

There is one thing that has been prevalent throughout this day: people keep saying I'm brave. Not that I disagree with that label, but it's something I've never really been called before. It put everything into a new light for me. I am travelling 4600 miles into states I've never entered, into airports I've never been and an apartment I've only seen through the lens of a camera. And for what? A shot at love. A chance to be with someone I want to share my life with. Through the doubters, the haters and those who just didn't understand,  I finally am within 24 hours of another country and another life. For the first time, I could genuinely feel such an elation run through my body when I realised that I'd made it through a whole year at university, passed it and got to the point where I get to spend 6 of the greatest weeks of my life with, hopefully, the greatest guy in my life.

Who'd travel that far for love? Only a lovestruck man would.

So that's it. My next blog post will be from Tulsa, Oklahoma. I'll keep you regularly updated here and on Facebook.  Just think, the next time you'll see a blog post from me, I would have met Steven, possibly spent the night and woken up in Tulsa the happiest guy in the land.

Till tomorrow. I love you Steven. :)

<3

3 Days To Go

Instead of a blog where I rant, I wanted to publish something I sent to Steven a short while ago. At the time of writing, he hasn't responded, but he is at work.

I've been panicking all day and I confessed that I was incredibly scared of what was about to happen, to which Steven said that he'd understand if I didn't fly on Tuesday.

I'm posting my response to that comment.

Steven.
The sense of what is coming up for us is really impacting now. Being far away without family to turn to, financial burdens: it's all so much to handle calmly and consistently.

But these are words that will be spoken and never harbour any falsities. I would never pass up a chance to meet the love of my life and you, Steven Mayo, are the love of my life. I wouldn't dare regret what has the potential to be the greatest times in my life with you.

Yes, the panic will get worse and on Monday I'll be immobile through sheer panic. But know that the reason I am doing it is fear of failure: that I won't be what you like. I am going there as your boyfriend and your lifepartner. I, so badly, want this to work for the both of us to know that our lives are better for knowing each other.

But I'll never leave you. And whilst in Heathrow, Atlanta and the Tulsa gates I'll be the most nervous, emotional person in the world, I can guarantee you that seeing your face will instantly do justice to a year of waiting, a month of panic and, hopefully, many more happy years of being together.

I love you Steven, never doubt that in this life or the next. You are my lifepartner, my soulmate and the person that I want to spend my life with. This opportunity that presents itself is one that scares me to the back bones but it's an opportunity to be with the greatest guy in my life.

That is worth any price.

I love you Steven :) xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

3 Days To Go

<3

5 Days To Go

And now there is a huge air of excitement running through me at every point. It's nearly the end of the week and what lies ahead is a hugely busy weekend. Strangely though, none of it involves the holiday. Which means several things. It means my mind will be elsewhere and it means it'll be occupied. But the greatest thing is that time will absolutely fly. On my end, I've relaxed at exactly the right time. There was huge tension towards the end of last week and massive indecision flying around. To me, that was my mind and my body telling me that it was realising just what a huge risk this is and how much it might come back to bite me on the ass. I'm not a risk taker, I wouldn't do something unless I know it's going to go smoothly. Which is why me travelling 4600 miles is the biggest risk I've ever taken and, probably, will ever take in life.

Somehow, I might not be feeling so bad if I was choosing between red and black. Someone take me to a casino!

It's only 5 days now. Closer to 4 really since it's 50 minutes to a new day (at the time of writing that) and it inches closer. I wish I didn't express myself as much sometimes (or at least not be good at it) because there's a level; of expectation that you'll get it back. Whilst you say you don't expect something from someone, there will always be a base level of which you expect a response. I know Steven doesn't emote, so of course, he's never going to show to anyone, let alone me, that he'd be nervous. Neither would he admit to being scared at the prospect of me coming over (maybe as, in terms of legwork, I'm doing the heavy travelling) or any other prospect for that matter. But he knows I'm scared and he knows that I'll always be nervous about this. So many people have offered their ears as a source of relief and aid and it's so gratifying to know that so many people really do care for my well-being for that to happen.

And from what it seems, if it goes wrong, Steven has some very angry Brits to deal with. Hot tea anyone?

I found out today how much of a bitch university is when you are away from it. I received my second set of Professional Studies results (Reflective Essay - D+) and a new reading list for English. I had just, this week, finally settled at home and got any inclination of hard work out of my system. See, for the last few weeks, I've felt like I've needed to work. Surely, I can't just sit on my arse and relax (unless you are doing a sports course, embrace the hate guys and gals!), I haven't been able to do that for a whole year and now I'm expected to switch off? I can't do that. I've never been able to switch off, it's why it takes me years to get off to sleep. There's no way I'm switching off on the night going into the 10th and I can guarantee you that my mind won't be off work until I know I'm in university next year.

Worcester can shove it. Stress when it isn't needed. Disgraceful.

5 Days To Go. I Love You Steven. :)

<3

8 Days To Go

Not that much really happened yesterday, so blogging would have been a bit redundant. Plus I guess you don't want a page full of crap (you all have news feeds for that), so I figured I'd wait until today to blog.

So today I got my money. I withdrew what I needed and came back with under $300. That isn't so much a worry but I know it means I'm going to have to play it tight when I get out there, knowing it's 6 weeks worth ($50 a week, that is going to be hard to stick to) but I'm sure I'll manage. I also managed to reserve my seats on the flights as well, which is proper amazing! I got a window seat on one of them (oddly enough, it's the Atlanta to Tulsa flight so I'll be able to see everything) and the rest I get to be the really annoying single passenger (sitting middle middle, meaning I'm central, symmetrical trouble!) who uses his elbows too much when he eats.

I'm growing little devil horns to mark such a brilliant occasion!

Me and Steven have had our little up and down days recently but I think everything is just getting to me in a big way. This is one huge transition, I've never really 'dated' anyone and I've never stayed in another country on my own, that's for sure. I am scared, I can't lie. I am a very scared person and I do worry. Deep down, it's because I guess I just expect to be worse off in every situation, hence I do what I can to help others. I don't want to feel like I'm in a position where I can be abused or hurt; and whilst this opportunity I have can swing either way on it, I want to try my hardest to please everyone on it. I've been going on about this trip for so long that I can't really turn round and say it failed because of my shortcomings.

I don't want to fail again. I've done it enough time in life.

So tomorrow begins the longest week. When I get to the 10th, I bet I'll turn round and say it went so fast and I wish I had more time. All year I've wished time to fly and it did. I don't fully regret it, but I regret the means in which I did it. My first year should have been care free, adventurous and tipsy. OK, maybe not the last one, but I think that, on reflection, I could have come out a few more times. I could have expressed myself much better in certain situations. I could have been more of a friend to my flatmates and I certainly wouldn't let go of people who drifted away. Saying that, all those things led me to where I am now and that, my friends, can't have been all a bad thing.

God bless the broken road, that led me straight, to you. Rascal Flatts.

8 Days To Go. I Love You Steven.

<3

10 Days To Go

Apologies for not blogging yesterday. Way too much happened to even put my mind to an update there and then. So here it goes, 24 hours on.

I was scared of carnage yesterday. I had a friend over (Zoe) and she's training to read people's minds (or a psychology course, I'm not sure which.). Basically, I haven't seen her in yonks and it was supposed to be a nice little catch up over a drink and a laugh. But she reads these blogs and she wanted to get down to the bottom of why I've been very much not myself. She discovered it pretty fast and gave me some direction to go in (because it was lacking very badly). I just wanted some small things for myself. I kept on putting others first and didn't look at my own wants and getting them through. It sounds selfish, but a relationship should be equal and I didn't feel I was in one. I put my case to Steven and I told him how strongly I felt that, just some more, he is a little more expressive in himself and how he feels about me. If someone you care about so much doesn't tell you the things that they supposedly think of you, how are you to believe they still do feel them? It was a really stressful and upsetting day and, for the 5th day straight, I couldn't hold myself together long enough to not cry. I know I'm an emotional person but I'm not by any means a walkover. I really just wanted a boyfriend who could emote like I know he could but chose not to.

And I think I broke through. I think...

Because today, I woke up to a load of Kik messages and (you'll gasp at this, I know it) a FB wall post. If you didn't gasp, you do not know me, Steven or anything. That is exactly what I wanted from him, just a public show of affection. I thought he never was going to do it, I was scared I was never publicly going to be anything to him but David. He said caring things about me on Kik, he actually became a Steven that I've never seen but always wanted to see. For the first time in what seems like forever, he was happy. I've literally just got off Skype with him and he smiled! He sounded happy! I am just so glad that things seem back on track to succeed when I'm out there. I cannot thank Steven enough for him wanting to do some little things that I like. I love you Steven :) xxx

And Zoe, you are a miracle worker. Without you, I'd never push myself. Thank you babe :) x

10 days. This is the last day that it'll be a double digit countdown for an awful long time. I've suddenly found an air of confidence in myself and my belief that this will all work out. I was scared that, yesterday, I wasn't going to be welcomed into Tulsa. I was going to be rejected and left. Instead, I still believe we can share that most romantic of thoughts. The one where, after a year of waiting, of fights and arguments and love and tension, I finally walk through the arrivals gate at Tulsa International. I look around and my eyes meet with this man. No pixels, no static connection. It's live. My eyes meet with this amazingly good looking guy and we walk up to each other. We're nervous but we're excited. Finally, it all ends. The waiting ends and we have that first embrace. That first moment, that first bond. We hold each other and can't believe that we made it this far. The sky wasn't the limit, we're higher than that in the moment. We are finally, all of a sudden, together. And that will be the single greatest feeling I will ever experience.

50 Shades of Grey, eat your heart out. Who says men can't do romance?

10 days. I love you Steven. :)

<3

13 Days To Go

I seem to have a terrible habit lately. The one thing I truly want, it never seems to happen if I look for it to happen. The lessons I've learnt from previous relationships, to me, have shaped the success on my end for this current one working: I never struck up a healthy balance between distance, affection, romance and blame. It seems like, however, I'm to blame for many things going wrong recently. It is my fault though, I focus too much on something that should come naturally, like breathing. You should be able to make your other half smile, laugh and enjoy the time they spend with you. I've given him none of the four aforementioned things. Therefore, I haven't given him any of what I should. With it being so close to going out there, I need to find some way of making myself happy so I can make him happy.

He only smiles when I smile. I've had people say I'm vain but I didn't want a mirror this time...

I woke up in somewhat of a cold sweat last night. About 4am I woke up, incredibly upset. I was upset that evening (when your BF says he doesn't want to talk to you, you know you've done wrong) and couldn't for the life of me understand why my heart was beating so fast. I didn't have a bad dream, I had realised something terrible. I picked up where I had left off. When I went to bed, I was still major upset. I worked myself up so bad that I fell asleep crying in my bed. When I woke up, I carried on. I really hurt someone I care very deeply about and I haven't shown him how much he means to me. I'll be the first to admit I'm no expert on relationships, but even I have to look back at how I've acted and I'd kick my ass.

Which is no mean feat to do, especially without dislocating your ankle.

I'm a fan of affection. I 'aww' in the street if I see it happen. A hug from a long-time-no-see friend, a kiss off a grandfather to his grandkids. I don't baulk at the sight of seeing a couple embrace, brothers and sisters hold hands, an elderly couple taking a slow walk or even an 'ILY' message on Facebook. I had my ideas on what I expected romance to be like and I had my ideas about how much of it was realistic in this relationship. I know I was never going to hold his hand in public, hug him or kiss him in the street. Hell, I bet I'd be called 'queer' if I walked any closer than 5 paces in front. I just wish any of my expectations had come true. I haven't had what I want and I daren't say what I want in case it's a step too far for him. I just wish, apart from me spreading the word, for once I could be the recipient of something big. And it can be as small as this font.

Fun fact: Tulsa bans kissing in public being longer than 3 minutes. You'd need a smaller unit of measurement for LBGT couples I bet.

13 days. I love you Steven. I'm sorry. <3

61 Days To Go

Ohhhhhhh, less than 9 weeks to go now! Must admit, it's getting pretty exciting knowing that, day by day, I'm getting so much closer to the holiday of a lifetime. With tonnes of uni work though, it's not like the days are going quickly. It's kind of something I really want, the days to go a little faster. But here's the thing... I'm now trying to complete the work I wanted to leave to make the days pass by fast. So... essentially... I'm getting it all done early for... er... peace of mind? Less stress? Not all too sure what the ulterior motive is for trying to be a good student but once it's done, it's done I guess.

I'll topple all this work, just like I toppled waking up early for placement.

These last few days have been so damn stressful. Tears, anger, worry and stress. They all amount to a person I never knew existed. Someone who isn't fearing the bigger things in life: more he worries about keeping the best things that happened to me. I've had arguments I never thought I'd have but my real worry is that I showed a side of me that people will hate. When you try so hard to fit in by being yourself and getting someone to fall for you, only to show the Hyde in yourself, it's a struggle to regain trust. And with 61 days to go... well... it's a side that's best repressed.

Repressed... and then blogged... rawr.

Placement is halfway through now and I'm buzzing. I feel really comfortable in front of the class but I'm annoyed that not all of my lessons seem to be getting through to them. I know, as a teacher, you can't always deliver a perfect lesson. But you'd hope that all the kids go away knowing they've had fun and enjoyed what you taught them. Having kids come up to you and say it's the best lesson they've had for years, only to turn round the next week and not learn a thing...

It's massively disheartening.

70 Days To Go

10 weeks. 10 very long, very hectic, very stressful, very draining, very taxing weeks. Anyone who knows me knows I don't do things easy and waiting is definitely one of them. I wasn't born with much patience. About as patient as I got as a youngster was when 6:01pm hit. Dinner was 1 minute late. You know I was standing by that cooker, hoping food would magic its way into my massive gob. (perhaps that's why I'm overweight now then!) I know that (as of writing) I have 7 lecture weeks left in my first year here at Worcester. In that time, 2 essays, an audit, 3 profiles and 4 presentations will have to be made and presented before I decide to get my bags and pack for a happy venture back home.

70 days till I get my 'Love Actually' moment. I can't even look at the case right now.

So, I decided to get my arse in gear (LOL apparently on my spell-check I've spelt 'arse' wrong) and try and bash out my science essay this week. If I've done that, I only have the Professional Studies essay to do on my own. The rest is either group work or DSTs. Currently I stand with an essay that meets the word count and nothing else. I still have to type up the lesson plan and photocopy the examples of work and write the reference list. All in good time and assigned dates my friends. So, as you might be able to tell, I'm buzzing slightly. I'm doing it all for Steven. He knows just how badly I want this work done and why I want it completed. I want it done so I can spend more time with him when the options open up and I have days where I can just lay down and relax about the world.

Much like August 21st. When I'll lay down, stare at the stars and think back to the greatest 6 weeks of my life.

I'm back at placement for Thursdays and Fridays. This time, we are teaching a solo lesson each day. I must admit, I'm getting a lot more comfortable with the idea of being a teacher and standing in front of the class and delivering lessons. I just wish the hours weren't so stupid! Getting up at 5:45am is not my exact idea of a good start to the morning. But, to be fair, I have some awesome people on placement with me who make it all worthwhile. It sounds slightly sad but, I wish next year I am in placement with them again. They just make the whole experience totally worthwhile and fun when you feel on your lowest for months. It will be sad to part from them.

Having said that... no more early mornings for now. I can do with that! The next early morning after placement will be getting to the airport. Cannot freaking wait!

It's seriously killing me that I don't get to spend as much time with Steven anymore. I keep complaining about it here hoping something will change but, again, wasn't blessed with patience. (those going WTF at this point obv didn't read the rest of this blog) I've hit the stage where I feel like I've lost myself if I haven't spoken to him or haven't heard from him in a while. Is that love or craziness? I'm scared that maybe, for a  9 1/2 month relationship, I'm being too selfish wanting him to talk to me, despite his situation meaning he can't do that most days. I know I'm a lot more open about these things than he is, am I wrong to be so open?

Anyone who thought that last sentence was dirty before me mentioning it, go check yourself into a sex clinic. Please.

76 Days To Go

Apologies for the lack of updates. Can't really give you a legit reason. Instead, let's crack on.

So my flight itinerary changed. I get to Tulsa a couple of minutes earlier and I leave England a little later, but they moved me to Heathrow. That's annoyed my hugely seeing as Olympic traffic is going to be berserk, even 2-3 weeks before the games. I'm usually quite upbeat about such changes but I'm a little nervous about the changeover. I have just under 2 hours to get to my connecting flight. That isn't so much time to really peg it to the plane whilst checking in and stuff. Should be very fun indeed.

Maybe it's why I want to get fit. I fancy running through Atlanta!

I decided (after quite a few fat jibes) that I'd get out and get fit. Eating healthy, going to the gym and taking better care of myself. I started this on Monday officially and at a starting weight of 15st dead (95kg approx), with the aim being to reduce my body fat and get down to something like 14st by the time I leave Uni. The likeliness of this happening is not particularly high but I'm motivated more than ever to make these positive changes. Although it was adorable when Steven popped up to say that he loves me just the way I am.

True 'awwww' moment that. If you didn't gush, you have no heart!

Me and Steven have been together now for over 9 months. It seemed so far away a few months ago when we were going through a rough patch and seemed so far away when we started dating. 9 months was very much one of those special moments; however due to a living situation on his end, we couldn't spend it the way I envisaged it. When circumstances change, you realise exactly what you took for granted. I assumed I'd see Steven's face every day and I'd hear his voice when I could. I didn't fully take it for granted but I know that I didn't visibly show much I appreciated the time I got to spend with him. Now I barely get any time with him until possibly late May/early June. It's going to be a damn hard couple of weeks.

I've never doubted for a second I'd get to see him for real. Under 11 weeks. I will.

This week marks the start of the most intense period at university this year. The final term. 8 lecture weeks, 9 assignments and a hell of a time at placement to come. I thrive under a little bit of pressure but knowing that, come the end of it all, it'll be just 2 and a half weeks until I find myself flying. I got a huge confidence boost today as I got re-elected StAR Rep for my group. Knowing that people have this much faith in me to serve them is something I never got in Essex. So, I get the chance again that I never had at home. I get to shine, be independent and make people proud of me. I get the chance that I wanted but never got. And I feel as high as a kite for knowing that people believe in me!

Placement tomorrow though. I'm grounded. Temporarily. :)

91 Days To Go

13 weeks and I'm starting to feel a little queasy. Not because time is flying, but because I've just done another price search. Yes, you heard. I just wanted to see how much of a saving I have made. Compared to when it was at its peak in prices, I saved £30. Compared to where it's at now, I've lost £250. That's right, my £800 would have cost me £550 today. That is money that could have really helped in the long run (as spending money probably). Now I could face going to America STILL broke.

I gotta get seriously working soon. Like, red light district working...

I just paid out the ass for travel insurance as well. I eventually got it down from £70 to £38 using Confuzzzzled.com but it was still money that I needed to save. I'm starting to think that, after university, life with a job and a house might seem just a little easier than this. All the more impetus to keep it all going then! Being home has been a real lesson in losing independence. Whilst I have every right to do most things, I forgot just how much freedom I had away at University and just how much easier it was to relax, let go and de-stress. When I get back to Uni, whilst I'll be busy I'll be sure to have a bigger smile on my face knowing that I'm going to thrive being an underdog once again.

If you were planning a trip to Tulsa, I've saved you £282 already. Thank me in the form of a cheque please.

It's nearly 9 months me and Steven have been together. To know that I'm nearly 3/4 of the way to a year with someone is an incredible feeling. One which might not be repeated for some time. It feels incredible and it feels humbling, knowing someone wants to put up with me in such close proximity for so long too! He's got the patience of a saint he has! It got me thinking though, 9 months is a really long time. Like, January to September is 9 months and that seems an awful long time! I know we can go way longer than that, but how fast is it going to feel? These last 9 months have breezed by. What's 12/18/24 months going to feel like?

LOL. It's going to feel brilliant.

N.B. I have a pageview from Canada and I know exactly who it is. :D

96 Days To Go - ESTA

Feels weird to type only two digits in the title box. Makes this whole blog feel that tiny bit shorter. Much like my ego. It wasn't anywhere to start, then I found it and now it feels as small as the number of days left. It's been a bit of a revolutionary few days. I haven't felt totally lost without a cause, (after doing all your Easter uni work though, that feeling kinda lingers) but recently more than ever I've felt an awful amount of pressure on myself to not feel nervous or excited for what's coming up, mainly because no-one else feels that way. If you felt something completely different to everyone else, you'd be forgiven for thinking that it's wrong to feel that way. When it isn't actually. But you change it because you feel so out of place.

Until the end of Year 1 at Uni, no more excitement. I command myself to be bland and boring. Cue mild applause.

I like being home a hell of a lot. It's comforting to be in my own bed, in the security of my own house and not having to worry so much about the financial side of life. Having said that, I just bought some summer clothes. 2 pairs of jean shorts (I look like I'm wearing what 5 year olds would wear if they were freaks of nature. I look adorable), a new top and new shoes. All of this when my best friend Liam should have bought his new game. On a day where I only planned to buy a bus ticket and lunch, I ended up forking out more on clothing than health.

I'm not a stereotype by any means. But...

I also bought something else a few days ago which only became valid today, my ESTA. Essentially, you used to have to buy a Visa to enter the USA. But, because our country is popular, you can buy an ESTA from the Visa Waiver programme. It's basically a cheaper, longer lasting Visa that grants you multiple access, but the border control can still choose not to let you in. So, essentially, it's a second ticket to get it, meaning the only thing that is stopping me getting to Tulsa is the pure fact of time. And that's going to go super fast (after Easter, 5 weeks till half term, then 2 weeks after half term it's summer) that excites me. Which is why those first 5 weeks back at Uni are going to be super intense.

Watch my life crumble around me. WATCH IT....

100 Days To Go

100 days left. It's certainly looking a lot sooner now. I'm at home for about 25 of those days before I break up for summer (that's about 18 days), so I have about 50-55 days left at University. It's even scarier to them think that that means 9 assignments in about 8 weeks. Which means that this term, coupled with placement, is going to be more intense, more hard working and a lot more drinking. I kid of course. I'll only drink a little. But I'm going to have to say goodbye to weekends and goodbye to my social life (BAHAHAHA, I never had one of those!) for a couple of weeks so I don't have to worry about the prospects of resits and finding out whilst I'm in the USA.

One day, I'll be able to call these breaks from University a 'holiday'.

I didn't have the greatest run in to get to Easter. Whilst lectures wound down, assignments were, well, passed and packing went like a dream, I felt like I was battling a real sense of panic. I've said before, I'm certainly not scared of going. If I was, I would not have bought the ticket. This is the longest relationship I've been in, I've never been in one so serious and I know I'm not a massive catch so... to me, I'm pressuring myself to be as good as I can be. I want Steven and others to be able and look back, if I do anything wrong, and say that I only do what I do in life because I had the best intentions at heart. You hope that's enough to shien through whatever crack has been made.

It's going to be an unusually intense couple of days. Saturday was all about the travelling, lugging around dead weight and bar-staffing. Today is about roast lamb and Wrestlemania (:P) and tomorrow is all about removing a greenhouse and more travelling, with Tuesday being going round geeking out with Liam (much like old times!). Can't say I'm not looking forward to it, but I slept till 1:30pm today. Half my day was gone: a day I pencilled in to be my ESTA purchasing day and my journal surmising day.

Those journals will be thankful I didn't make them my bitch today. You wait till next week.

104 Days To Go

Just under 15 weeks to go now and, once again, comes the end of another term where development was key but stability was everything. This was the longest term out of the three and, if there was a term to go wrong, this would be the one. Block placement, 4 assignments (ended up being 5 for me due to the fail in Maths) and long periods away from home put a hell of a lot of strain on me. It showed throughout various points during the start of 2012: breaking down in the toilets at placement, breaking down in front of Steven and breaking down in front of friends and family.

You'd think I would have taken out breakdown cover. Amirite?

It's slightly scary how fast time is flying really. Well, it's scary in the same way getting a dog is scary. You absolutely cannot wait to get it (to be honest, this metaphor only works if you like dogs and want one. Otherwise, close your eyes, hum a tune and let me have my moment) but the responsibility of having it means things will change in your life. When I'm home and it hits 14 weeks to go, we are in double digits for days to go (98. SPOILER ALERT!) and it feels fantastic! Knowing that the next 8 weeks after that will be absolute hell on Earth with University, it's nice to know that I'll have a distraction to take me through to moving out and then the USA.

10/1 that I end the year with a grey hair. I've placed a bet. Join me?

I swear that I'm going through some very weird phase. I don't know what I'm doing, but I'm starting to feel a bit more 'attractive'. It stemmed from a trip to the River Bank yesterday with Tisha and we took a camera. In hindsight, best decision since they released Vanilla Coke. We took loads of photos and some looked halfway decent and then FLASH! That one photo that, literally, brought a tear to my eye. It's my profile pic on FB, I'm heads over heels happy with it and I hope you like it too. Then I went home and talked to Steven and tried on my bar-staffing uniform for a party on Saturday. Steven's reaction was... a different form of happiness I've ever seen. It made me feel amazing to know he liked it so much, but there's something he needs to remember.

It doesn't how much (or how little) or what he wears. He still looks amazing to me. :)

111 Days To Go

Odd days come and go much like the passing weathers. There are those days you are as high as life may take you and there are those days where the slightest discrepancy makes the day redundant. More and more, I seem to be suffering the latter and less of the former. I'm think it's probably to do with 'end-of-term syndrome', where I'm too looking forward to going back to home that I'm down that I'm not there yet. The real problem it presents is that, with under 16 weeks to go, it's taking a toll on me and Steven. I find myself progressively looking towards him as a source of happiness, which he only now sees to be the key to cheering me up, not stabilising fun and flirtation. I guess I'm still reeling from just how bad last week was and just how low it set me.

I seem to prove, at every turn, every doubt anyone ever had over me.

In the same vein of judgement, a thought arose. Year 2 at Uni is coming up and, far be it from me to be worried about things (when has that ever happened before?!), re-elections are coming up. I asked for a chance and they, very kindly, gave me my chance. Re-election means: did you screw up your chance? How the mighty might rise and fall. Something I pride myself on is being able to relate and reach out; I've gone through it all this year. Failing assignments, deaths in the family and I never took any of it lying down and I'll be damned that come the time of judgement from peers alike, I'll give it as good as I ever have done in fulfilling a role I've prided my life on for several months.

But I'll be damned if I'm making election badges.

The minutes are getting longer, it seems. The days seem to be finding new ways to stretch patience and I've found myself counting each day falling away as a victory. It hit me last night as I lay awake at 4:30am that in 111 days time, at that very point, I'll be getting ready to leave my house and take my plane to a love that travels as fast as light itself. Just for that first moment of embrace, when I finally can touch, see, feel, hear and taste a future. We have more than 3 months left, but that countdown never increases. It will come around, I'll drag it kicking and screaming to Tulsa. For that first moment of touch where a year of waiting vanishes within the first locking of lips. Where the days of arguments and tension disappear along with the fear and are replaced with euphoria and the sense of relief.

That, in Tulsa, I see my life. And, for the first time, I love every moment.

114 Days To Go

If you don't mind me saying, it's been a complete stinker of a week. To run it down, I started this week (Sunday to Sunday) with my Dad as we went through old times with football. I was home. Now, I'm back at Uni. So first bummer of the week is that I'm now 180 miles away from a family hug. Which is more valuable than most things in this world. Tuesday marked 6 years to the day when my Grandad passed away and, yet again, I wasn't there to give and take that hug that reaffirmed love, support and want. Instead, I silently cried as the ones I needed couldn't hold me and tell me everything was going to be away. 

6 years, yet the same tears still flow. Proud to be your grandson, always.

This entire week, my boyfriend has also been without electricity. If I ever needed any confirmation that he is the one for me, I haven't been able to crack a smile all week. Tuesday was our 8 months celebration, but we spoke for a total time of 15 minutes. To put that in context, last event (7 months), we spent about 5-6 hours together. We listened to our song and I could barely hear him say 'I love you'. I've felt so low all week because I realised just how 'second fiddle' I could be. Not having him to talk to, not having him there when I needed him, it leaves a profound gap in my life. And now he's back, I still can't crack a smile. I felt so lonely and I don't know why I can't shake these feelings of not being worth his love.

Wine and chocolate anyone? 

My body is in an incredible amount of pain from playing football on Thursday. It's been 4 years (and 4 stone) since I played competitive football but I put my back out and injured my knee. I feel incredibly pathetic for it. I realise I'm an unfit man who still dreams of scoring that one goal that ends how I think about myself. I'll never get it though if this is how utterly pathetic I am. 

I beat myself up a lot. Mainly because all I want to do is please... and I don't do that.

I couldn't be home for Mothers Day today. If there could be a worse end to the week, it wasn't scripted. I so badly wanted to be there to hug my mum and give her what she wanted today... but I couldn't. That makes me feel even more helpless. It's just over 16 weeks until I fly out and I'm scared that the events of the last week might affect it all. Everything Steven has tried hasn't put a permanent smile on (he got his electricity back Friday) and I'm scared he thinks nothing will work.

I just want to be happy again. I've felt so lonely... I just want a smile on my face.

It was 6 years ago that I went nearly two weeks with a night of crying. I've matched that streak this week and just before. Love's to blame. People kept telling me that relationships aren't easy but I really feel that I'm keeping a good man away from those who are better than myself. I love him with all of my heart; I wouldn't have booked the ticket otherwise. But with recent events, with what people have said about me and for how I'm feeling right now, I don't feel like I deserve perfection, because I'm tarnished.

Who's laughing now? Probably those who I was laughing at before. Foolish, stupid me.

121 Days To Go

A thought came across me today. I'm back in Worcester after spending the most wonderful few days at home and I'm feeling very very low. Why am I feeling low? Because for how little I spoke to my BF this weekend, it'll be even less this week. Why did I let this get to me? Because I discovered something. We all know that bullying comes in all forms: physical, verbal etc. Have you ever considered 'silence' bullying? I can see why not speaking up can be seen as bullying. Do you know the first thing I did when I got home? I threw my hands round my mum, holding back tears because, for the first time since joining university, I was bullied. Bullied by silence.

It takes balls to take responsibility. Seems like I've got a massive pair compared to you.

It occurs to me that I have 6 'official' followers. Those who have an account and wish to follow this blog! To those of you, hello! To those who follow but haven't joined, hello to you too! It fills me with such joy when people have come to me and spoken of their joy for reading this blog (despite it being sometimes more depressing than brown bread). If I get just one person to understand how I feel, I've explained myself well and it makes this all worth it. I'm not all about reader statistics, I'm just blown over by how many people have cared enough to look. In such a time of feeling alone, I feel heartened to have such nice things to reflect upon when writing this.

Officially on record: thanks for listening! :)

I'll be honest, I'm scared. I'm scared of a lot of things. I find myself with 3 weeks of Uni till the Easter break which, if I'm right, isn't going to be a 'stressful' run in. But after that break, full days, placement and money come straight into the picture. I'm scared that, as the year draws to a close, I'll find myself under pressure with more assignments. And I'm scared that in 121 days, whilst I have no doubt in me that I'm making the right decision, my life will change forever.

If I can louden my bullies though, I'm sure I'll be just fine.

123 Days To Go

I'm back home in Essex. I admit, I was buzzing the first time because it was the first time in about 2 months that I'd seen my parents. This time, I just wanted to be home because I knew I'd be in the company of people who wouldn't throw me under the bus. I was so frustrated and annoyed yesterday, but I spoke it out with my parents and they made me feel respected. Something that I think some people don't want me to feel sometimes. When you are made to feel like a scapegoat, you find that those who accept you are those who value you for who you are and not for being a 'yes' man.

I'm so much more than a 'yes' man. I say 'no' too.

I had a really lovely 24hrs with Steven yesterday. Mainly because we are both adults and I was really made to feel like a nice adult at that by him. We talked things out and we had fun and we had a laugh. Me and him have such a good connection. I think I could talk the head off a torso, but he just lets it happen. The weirdest thing is, well, he loves it. I'm naturally very introverted but if I like someone, I come out of my comfort zone and I appear very confident. I'm not a confident person at all, but he just feels so welcoming. Which means, come July 10th, I'll be expecting the biggest hug of my life.

I'll bring the tissues. Because, after a whole year of waiting, you are bound to run and cry down that arrival gate and into the arms of the one you want to be with. Duh.

It's that time in the education system when you start to ween out who's been playing a game. Who's been a true, real friend to you. I got that feeling throughout Thursday. Me and Nicola (my Worcester best friend) had an amazing little session that night with our friend Katy and we just laughed the night away (NB - Nicking Nic's phone and texting her loverboy IS NOT THE WAY to a friend's heart or speech). It's exactly what I needed; that day was going to be a total blowover until they saved it. I can't wait for Thursday though, having a kick about with lads in our group is going to be a real highlight of my week.

76 goals in 150 appearances. I have a name to behold.

125 Days To Go

I've got to admit, I'm feeling a little low. Things haven't been adding up so well since I got back to Uni. Granted, I passed my Maths resubmission (B on the 2nd attempt, get in?) and I'm so looking forward to being back in Essex again this weekend, but I feel like I'm pushing things off the rails. Everyone is human and they make mistakes, but why today, of all days, am I killing myself over my BF forgetting one little request? I'm down, I'm crying, it's almost like I'm on some sort of time of the month. Am I wrong to be hurt by it?

And then this makes me doubt everything. I have to keep checking my Maths to believe I've passed.

Now this does sound corny but... I do like romancing a little. I love doing it... but it's never happened vice versa. I've never really been 'romanced', so to say. Sounds stupid to say but I feel like I'm not good enough to be 'romanced'. Admittedly, it's hard to be romanced so far away, but I'd kill for the little messages of affection. I love being in love and I want the world to know that I have love back. I don't give to receive because I know what makes him smile and what makes him happy.

I know I'm a hard person to like... much harder to love.

It's been a week since I got rid of my old baggage and I'm so relieved he is out of my life. For all the problems I've ever had with Steven, the baggage has given me 100x more. I can't remember feeling this happy that my life is all in order, but feeling so low for being hurt once by the one I love. He's perfect, he's always on my mind in lectures, on my travels he pops up, every piece of music I listen to, he features. I love him with all of my heart and I've not put him up on a pedastool. I'm a complete wreck, I shouldn't be depressed when I belong to perfection.

With the way I feel, he's heroic for staying put...

I wish this could be a happier blog. I want to have a smile on my face. I want you to join in with my euphoria at being 125 days away from the grandest day of my life. But I will now have to hijack your hearts slightly further by asking you to visit www.kony2012.com. Joseph Kony is a war criminal in Uganda who, disgracefully, we are only starting to realise. Please watch the video and join the pledge and help up oust the Hitler of Africa.

Just by sharing that video, you've shared the exposure of his doings. Please.

I'm more nervous than ever now. I'm scared this whole thing will hang over for a long time. If I'm holding on (stupidly) for one little thing, what the hell will happen if something bigger happens? I felt the mood change so badly today, almost instantly. I wasn't smiling, I needed to take breaks to talk to him. I needed to splash cold water over my face to calm down, what must he think of me? Am I some kind of controlling monster? I feel like an unloving prat. Because I love him so much, I'm hurt. That doesn't make sense... so why on God's green earth am I tearing up and crying writing this?

All my life I've felt this way, but I could never find the words to say... stay.

I've been sitting here staring at the clock on the wall... he knows the rest.

130 Days To Go

Significantly, my first blog from home. I got home and finally got the hug I've waited for for as long as two months. My mum was waiting and we just locked up and couldn't let go. I'm not lying, I was holding back some tears. It just felt so good to be held on to and felt like someone didn't want me to leave. My parents have been nothing but golden, so supportive and welcoming. Coming home just brought back all those feelings of growing up, knowing that I'm not going to get a hug when I go back, I'm not going to have a meal waiting for me. It's just going to be me, grown up, again.

There really is no place like home. Scary to think I can't call it 'my home' anymore.

Me and my mum got chatting and catching up on everything. I showed her my school experience folder (just to prove that I wasn't lying when I said I got some 'outstanding' marks, I really didn't hit any kids) and we got caught up on all issues. And we got chatting about the trip again. You know when you try so desperately to say something to someone but it wouldn't do any good? I'd like to think and recognise I'm in a relationship. A loving and fulfilling relationship (at least at this stage, before meeting) but I don't think people see it as anything more than a friendship.

If the latter is the case, I'm a massive slut. *shows sideboob*

I've had a stunning few days. Only yesterday I found out I'd been called to attend a disciplinary hearing for Alex's 21st (not our fault but our responsibility) but that didn't get me down. Instead, I got a lot of work done and I'd like to think I'm making my boyfriend happy by being in this happy and real mood. Of course, usually seeing me happy either means someone's given me money or the ex's that hate me have validated my reasons for not liking them. When both happens within 24 hours, it makes my smile even bigger than certain people's egos!

I'm feeling a little dance coming on... but I won't embarrass myself... again...