61 Days To Go

Ohhhhhhh, less than 9 weeks to go now! Must admit, it's getting pretty exciting knowing that, day by day, I'm getting so much closer to the holiday of a lifetime. With tonnes of uni work though, it's not like the days are going quickly. It's kind of something I really want, the days to go a little faster. But here's the thing... I'm now trying to complete the work I wanted to leave to make the days pass by fast. So... essentially... I'm getting it all done early for... er... peace of mind? Less stress? Not all too sure what the ulterior motive is for trying to be a good student but once it's done, it's done I guess.

I'll topple all this work, just like I toppled waking up early for placement.

These last few days have been so damn stressful. Tears, anger, worry and stress. They all amount to a person I never knew existed. Someone who isn't fearing the bigger things in life: more he worries about keeping the best things that happened to me. I've had arguments I never thought I'd have but my real worry is that I showed a side of me that people will hate. When you try so hard to fit in by being yourself and getting someone to fall for you, only to show the Hyde in yourself, it's a struggle to regain trust. And with 61 days to go... well... it's a side that's best repressed.

Repressed... and then blogged... rawr.

Placement is halfway through now and I'm buzzing. I feel really comfortable in front of the class but I'm annoyed that not all of my lessons seem to be getting through to them. I know, as a teacher, you can't always deliver a perfect lesson. But you'd hope that all the kids go away knowing they've had fun and enjoyed what you taught them. Having kids come up to you and say it's the best lesson they've had for years, only to turn round the next week and not learn a thing...

It's massively disheartening.

114 Days To Go

If you don't mind me saying, it's been a complete stinker of a week. To run it down, I started this week (Sunday to Sunday) with my Dad as we went through old times with football. I was home. Now, I'm back at Uni. So first bummer of the week is that I'm now 180 miles away from a family hug. Which is more valuable than most things in this world. Tuesday marked 6 years to the day when my Grandad passed away and, yet again, I wasn't there to give and take that hug that reaffirmed love, support and want. Instead, I silently cried as the ones I needed couldn't hold me and tell me everything was going to be away. 

6 years, yet the same tears still flow. Proud to be your grandson, always.

This entire week, my boyfriend has also been without electricity. If I ever needed any confirmation that he is the one for me, I haven't been able to crack a smile all week. Tuesday was our 8 months celebration, but we spoke for a total time of 15 minutes. To put that in context, last event (7 months), we spent about 5-6 hours together. We listened to our song and I could barely hear him say 'I love you'. I've felt so low all week because I realised just how 'second fiddle' I could be. Not having him to talk to, not having him there when I needed him, it leaves a profound gap in my life. And now he's back, I still can't crack a smile. I felt so lonely and I don't know why I can't shake these feelings of not being worth his love.

Wine and chocolate anyone? 

My body is in an incredible amount of pain from playing football on Thursday. It's been 4 years (and 4 stone) since I played competitive football but I put my back out and injured my knee. I feel incredibly pathetic for it. I realise I'm an unfit man who still dreams of scoring that one goal that ends how I think about myself. I'll never get it though if this is how utterly pathetic I am. 

I beat myself up a lot. Mainly because all I want to do is please... and I don't do that.

I couldn't be home for Mothers Day today. If there could be a worse end to the week, it wasn't scripted. I so badly wanted to be there to hug my mum and give her what she wanted today... but I couldn't. That makes me feel even more helpless. It's just over 16 weeks until I fly out and I'm scared that the events of the last week might affect it all. Everything Steven has tried hasn't put a permanent smile on (he got his electricity back Friday) and I'm scared he thinks nothing will work.

I just want to be happy again. I've felt so lonely... I just want a smile on my face.

It was 6 years ago that I went nearly two weeks with a night of crying. I've matched that streak this week and just before. Love's to blame. People kept telling me that relationships aren't easy but I really feel that I'm keeping a good man away from those who are better than myself. I love him with all of my heart; I wouldn't have booked the ticket otherwise. But with recent events, with what people have said about me and for how I'm feeling right now, I don't feel like I deserve perfection, because I'm tarnished.

Who's laughing now? Probably those who I was laughing at before. Foolish, stupid me.