125 Days To Go

I've got to admit, I'm feeling a little low. Things haven't been adding up so well since I got back to Uni. Granted, I passed my Maths resubmission (B on the 2nd attempt, get in?) and I'm so looking forward to being back in Essex again this weekend, but I feel like I'm pushing things off the rails. Everyone is human and they make mistakes, but why today, of all days, am I killing myself over my BF forgetting one little request? I'm down, I'm crying, it's almost like I'm on some sort of time of the month. Am I wrong to be hurt by it?

And then this makes me doubt everything. I have to keep checking my Maths to believe I've passed.

Now this does sound corny but... I do like romancing a little. I love doing it... but it's never happened vice versa. I've never really been 'romanced', so to say. Sounds stupid to say but I feel like I'm not good enough to be 'romanced'. Admittedly, it's hard to be romanced so far away, but I'd kill for the little messages of affection. I love being in love and I want the world to know that I have love back. I don't give to receive because I know what makes him smile and what makes him happy.

I know I'm a hard person to like... much harder to love.

It's been a week since I got rid of my old baggage and I'm so relieved he is out of my life. For all the problems I've ever had with Steven, the baggage has given me 100x more. I can't remember feeling this happy that my life is all in order, but feeling so low for being hurt once by the one I love. He's perfect, he's always on my mind in lectures, on my travels he pops up, every piece of music I listen to, he features. I love him with all of my heart and I've not put him up on a pedastool. I'm a complete wreck, I shouldn't be depressed when I belong to perfection.

With the way I feel, he's heroic for staying put...

I wish this could be a happier blog. I want to have a smile on my face. I want you to join in with my euphoria at being 125 days away from the grandest day of my life. But I will now have to hijack your hearts slightly further by asking you to visit www.kony2012.com. Joseph Kony is a war criminal in Uganda who, disgracefully, we are only starting to realise. Please watch the video and join the pledge and help up oust the Hitler of Africa.

Just by sharing that video, you've shared the exposure of his doings. Please.

I'm more nervous than ever now. I'm scared this whole thing will hang over for a long time. If I'm holding on (stupidly) for one little thing, what the hell will happen if something bigger happens? I felt the mood change so badly today, almost instantly. I wasn't smiling, I needed to take breaks to talk to him. I needed to splash cold water over my face to calm down, what must he think of me? Am I some kind of controlling monster? I feel like an unloving prat. Because I love him so much, I'm hurt. That doesn't make sense... so why on God's green earth am I tearing up and crying writing this?

All my life I've felt this way, but I could never find the words to say... stay.

I've been sitting here staring at the clock on the wall... he knows the rest.

130 Days To Go

Significantly, my first blog from home. I got home and finally got the hug I've waited for for as long as two months. My mum was waiting and we just locked up and couldn't let go. I'm not lying, I was holding back some tears. It just felt so good to be held on to and felt like someone didn't want me to leave. My parents have been nothing but golden, so supportive and welcoming. Coming home just brought back all those feelings of growing up, knowing that I'm not going to get a hug when I go back, I'm not going to have a meal waiting for me. It's just going to be me, grown up, again.

There really is no place like home. Scary to think I can't call it 'my home' anymore.

Me and my mum got chatting and catching up on everything. I showed her my school experience folder (just to prove that I wasn't lying when I said I got some 'outstanding' marks, I really didn't hit any kids) and we got caught up on all issues. And we got chatting about the trip again. You know when you try so desperately to say something to someone but it wouldn't do any good? I'd like to think and recognise I'm in a relationship. A loving and fulfilling relationship (at least at this stage, before meeting) but I don't think people see it as anything more than a friendship.

If the latter is the case, I'm a massive slut. *shows sideboob*

I've had a stunning few days. Only yesterday I found out I'd been called to attend a disciplinary hearing for Alex's 21st (not our fault but our responsibility) but that didn't get me down. Instead, I got a lot of work done and I'd like to think I'm making my boyfriend happy by being in this happy and real mood. Of course, usually seeing me happy either means someone's given me money or the ex's that hate me have validated my reasons for not liking them. When both happens within 24 hours, it makes my smile even bigger than certain people's egos!

I'm feeling a little dance coming on... but I won't embarrass myself... again...

132 Days To Go

In starting this entry, M People came onto my iPod with 'Proud'. Incredibly indicative of my day today. I really made myself proud (something I seldom do these days) today by growing some balls and standing up for what I believe in. When those around you harass you for thinking what you think, they themselves are exposed. To question is to grow, but my baggage only grew more tiresome to deal with. One more ex that isn't a friend anymore. But I feel relieved that I stood up for what I believed in. I feel rather cleansed if I say so myself.

What did I do today, to make myself feel proud? David defeated Goliath.

In a couple of days, I get to go home. I can't wait to get home and receive and give a huge hug to my parents. To know that, for a couple of days, I'm their little baby once again and it is satisfying. To an extent though. Like, it's just going to feel so good that for a couple of days, I'm with the ones I really love and I have that security of home once again. To know that, for 48 hours, I'm around people who won't judge, it's a stunning feeling.

I'll feel part of the family once more.

I've been in an unseasonably good mood recently. I was feeling very very down for the last couple of days for just the reason that I desperately wanted to leave the country and meet Steven finally. However, recently I've picked up. It's just... things have been going right. They never go right for me, what the hell happened? I feel so much more secure in that fact that I'm in a (hopefully) very long relationship and just seeing Steven smile gives me such warmth. There's no better satisfaction in life seeing those you care about so much, smile. They just prove their eternal happiness.

Just under 19 weeks. <3

I just did a price search. It's been over a month and a half since I booked the ticket and I wanted to check the price of a ticket now in comparison to then. Next year, I'll be buying my ticket later than this year due to loan payments and my incredibly weird renting process. Turns out I'd only be paying £30 extra at this point... makes me think. If I had waited a little longer, I could have a few more seasons of The Big Bang Theory. Or another new pair of converses.

Or a V8. *points gun to mouth*