125 Days To Go

I've got to admit, I'm feeling a little low. Things haven't been adding up so well since I got back to Uni. Granted, I passed my Maths resubmission (B on the 2nd attempt, get in?) and I'm so looking forward to being back in Essex again this weekend, but I feel like I'm pushing things off the rails. Everyone is human and they make mistakes, but why today, of all days, am I killing myself over my BF forgetting one little request? I'm down, I'm crying, it's almost like I'm on some sort of time of the month. Am I wrong to be hurt by it?

And then this makes me doubt everything. I have to keep checking my Maths to believe I've passed.

Now this does sound corny but... I do like romancing a little. I love doing it... but it's never happened vice versa. I've never really been 'romanced', so to say. Sounds stupid to say but I feel like I'm not good enough to be 'romanced'. Admittedly, it's hard to be romanced so far away, but I'd kill for the little messages of affection. I love being in love and I want the world to know that I have love back. I don't give to receive because I know what makes him smile and what makes him happy.

I know I'm a hard person to like... much harder to love.

It's been a week since I got rid of my old baggage and I'm so relieved he is out of my life. For all the problems I've ever had with Steven, the baggage has given me 100x more. I can't remember feeling this happy that my life is all in order, but feeling so low for being hurt once by the one I love. He's perfect, he's always on my mind in lectures, on my travels he pops up, every piece of music I listen to, he features. I love him with all of my heart and I've not put him up on a pedastool. I'm a complete wreck, I shouldn't be depressed when I belong to perfection.

With the way I feel, he's heroic for staying put...

I wish this could be a happier blog. I want to have a smile on my face. I want you to join in with my euphoria at being 125 days away from the grandest day of my life. But I will now have to hijack your hearts slightly further by asking you to visit www.kony2012.com. Joseph Kony is a war criminal in Uganda who, disgracefully, we are only starting to realise. Please watch the video and join the pledge and help up oust the Hitler of Africa.

Just by sharing that video, you've shared the exposure of his doings. Please.

I'm more nervous than ever now. I'm scared this whole thing will hang over for a long time. If I'm holding on (stupidly) for one little thing, what the hell will happen if something bigger happens? I felt the mood change so badly today, almost instantly. I wasn't smiling, I needed to take breaks to talk to him. I needed to splash cold water over my face to calm down, what must he think of me? Am I some kind of controlling monster? I feel like an unloving prat. Because I love him so much, I'm hurt. That doesn't make sense... so why on God's green earth am I tearing up and crying writing this?

All my life I've felt this way, but I could never find the words to say... stay.

I've been sitting here staring at the clock on the wall... he knows the rest.

131 Days To Go

I'm in the mood for summer. And this time, not just July 10th. No, I mean some proper summer. The sun rising at 6am, the sun setting at 8/9pm and the days where the lessons take place outside. Why am I in this mood? Because it's the last time I was so truly happy. The hot days, the hotter friendships and the hottest moods, I cannot wait to wake up to bright sunlight and look forward to a day where I learn with the windows open and learn without the mind being closed. Plus, in retrospect, last summer was about success and change. This summer is all about fun and frolics abroad and at home.

Oh, and the summer playlist. That will be mentioned a lot more soon. Hint - Smooth makes it.

I slept amazingly well last night considering what happened the previous day. I woke up today to something that has put a permanent smile on my face for the whole of today. So, truly, the last 24hrs have been utter bliss. Steven messaged me whilst I was alseep. You'll read this and think 'what's so special about that?', but it's the fact that rarely it ever happens. So, rarely, he takes time out of whatever he is doing to message me, knowing I'm not going to reply. He just wants to talk to me when I can't. In some way, I get a lot of happiness from that. And having woken up to see that, I feel ever so loved.

It feels like I'm being touched by an angel when he does that. I know Steven will have something to say about that...

Lectures today brought home an important message. In 131 days time, I'll finally be in front of someone I really want to listen to and to learn from. I'm not going to lie, there are indecencies I'd rather suffer than sit through a Maths lecture, so it makes the want for it all to end so much bigger. I'm paying near enough £3.5k a year to be told that I can't read a calculator to tell me what a calculator should say. (Confused? So was I.) It brought back the simple happiness I derived from the small things in life as well. Happiness such as winding up one of my best friends about her 'lovers', happiness such as a Strongbow whilst playing pool with a friend, happiness such as listening to the music you loved long ago.

A weird mix, Blondie, alcohol and lovers. Anyone would think that I went back in time to get laid...

159 Days To Go

Ok... so there has been developments. The reason I have not blogged them yet is to find certainty in where to go next. Now that I received that guidance, I can officially tell you that I failed my maths assignment and not for any good reason. Basically, my handwriting differed too much in my lesson plan to call it my own and the feedback of the evaluation was 'unduly harsh'. However, I still have to resubmit my work with improvements. So I spent the latter part of the evening yesterday doing my revised (typed) lesson plan. 1000 words later, I have my lesson plan. Today, I start the reworking of the evaluation. Minor edits only needed, but still a pain in the ass.

Only one I'll have this year, I hope. Giggity.

What I will say though, in comparison to 6th form, is the level of support from peers has been astronomically higher than I ever thought possible. I failed a lot of A-Level things and I was laughed at. Jeered even.(Snagglepuss reference, for the old skoolers) But here, my group has been so supportive. People fail and they ask what they can do to help. People are struggling and they show concern and a want for you to succeed. For these are the people who will pass with you, get their first classroom with you. They will follow you and you will follow them as you, together, achieve something only few others will ever do in the world at that moment.

PITE Group 4, thank you. You are StARs.

I've had a recurring nightmare the past couple of days. It's one I've never had before because, well, I've never really had a real relationship. I dreamt that I was cheated on. This has happened 2 nights in a row and I'm damn scared for tonight. I told Steven and he said 'well, it's not going to happen' and I believe him. But that's the thing about dreams, they have a horrible realism to them; a want to make you believe them; a want to make you see that it is truly possible. But I am so lucky to even have a boyfriend, let alone someone as perfect as Steven.

Any excuse for a late night, eh?