12 Days To Go

I don't want to exaggerate things, but I am a scared man. I was up till half 3 last night, distraught over the supposed idea that, whilst out there, Steven might not be spending all the time with me. He might want to spend it with friends. That doesn't hack me off so much as the connotation that he'd rather spend time with them than me. It's not a big deal, really, he kept on saying. And it isn't, but I know I'm feeling the pressure of going over a thousand times more than he is with having me over. Every little thing I say, I over-analyse and every little thing he says, I review to death. It's only because I want a perfectly happy boyfriend. I have many insecurities I know, but to me he's perfect and I'm horribly flawed. The fear runs deeper than just being cast aside (because I've felt like that for months), it's going out there to be judged and found wanting. Found to not be the person he thinks I am.

This is all too much of a gamble to be taken lightly. To be taken at all...

I'm sitting in a house that's absolutely baking. The temp has got beyond 30C several times today, but the humidity is killer. I'm still (technically) resting my foot even though it seems to be 99% healed. So I'm stewing. To give you an indicator of things, it was 30C at about 11am today here. I got to bed at 3:45am last night, it was 21C then. It barely changed thanks to the humidity. I've already felt totally uncomfortable today, but now, physically, I feel weaker than a wet sock. I know I'm travelling out to a country that loves pushing 35C in the summer, but that's a holiday. I have the mindset that it's going to be hot. I don't like it that a country famous for shit summers decides to pull out an Ibiza-in-a-day weather pattern.

Next thing you know we'll all be drinking Sangria off donkeys.

It's 12 days to go and I feel like I'm digging a bigger hole, which I can't stop digging and I can't escape from. When you know you won't truly get what you want, ever, there's a period of acceptance that should happen. You re-adjust your goals and wants and aim for them. I just cannot accept that I truly won't actually get my idea of love, whilst at the same time giving someone theirs and so much more. And in no way is it his fault, this mine. I'm to blame for the hurt and pain that's caused. I'm just too scared to ask for two main reasons: first it will be rejected and that fear of rejection is nearly as bad as him not wanting to talk to me. The other is that I can't anything more of him. I've ruined conversations and days more often than I have fingers, how dare I want anything from him: when the only thing I seem to be these days is tears and emotion? I'm not fun anymore, I'm not happy anymore.

It hurts more when he says it though.

12 days. I love you Steven. I'm so sorry. ;'(

<3

159 Days To Go

Ok... so there has been developments. The reason I have not blogged them yet is to find certainty in where to go next. Now that I received that guidance, I can officially tell you that I failed my maths assignment and not for any good reason. Basically, my handwriting differed too much in my lesson plan to call it my own and the feedback of the evaluation was 'unduly harsh'. However, I still have to resubmit my work with improvements. So I spent the latter part of the evening yesterday doing my revised (typed) lesson plan. 1000 words later, I have my lesson plan. Today, I start the reworking of the evaluation. Minor edits only needed, but still a pain in the ass.

Only one I'll have this year, I hope. Giggity.

What I will say though, in comparison to 6th form, is the level of support from peers has been astronomically higher than I ever thought possible. I failed a lot of A-Level things and I was laughed at. Jeered even.(Snagglepuss reference, for the old skoolers) But here, my group has been so supportive. People fail and they ask what they can do to help. People are struggling and they show concern and a want for you to succeed. For these are the people who will pass with you, get their first classroom with you. They will follow you and you will follow them as you, together, achieve something only few others will ever do in the world at that moment.

PITE Group 4, thank you. You are StARs.

I've had a recurring nightmare the past couple of days. It's one I've never had before because, well, I've never really had a real relationship. I dreamt that I was cheated on. This has happened 2 nights in a row and I'm damn scared for tonight. I told Steven and he said 'well, it's not going to happen' and I believe him. But that's the thing about dreams, they have a horrible realism to them; a want to make you believe them; a want to make you see that it is truly possible. But I am so lucky to even have a boyfriend, let alone someone as perfect as Steven.

Any excuse for a late night, eh?