3 Days To Go

Instead of a blog where I rant, I wanted to publish something I sent to Steven a short while ago. At the time of writing, he hasn't responded, but he is at work.

I've been panicking all day and I confessed that I was incredibly scared of what was about to happen, to which Steven said that he'd understand if I didn't fly on Tuesday.

I'm posting my response to that comment.

Steven.
The sense of what is coming up for us is really impacting now. Being far away without family to turn to, financial burdens: it's all so much to handle calmly and consistently.

But these are words that will be spoken and never harbour any falsities. I would never pass up a chance to meet the love of my life and you, Steven Mayo, are the love of my life. I wouldn't dare regret what has the potential to be the greatest times in my life with you.

Yes, the panic will get worse and on Monday I'll be immobile through sheer panic. But know that the reason I am doing it is fear of failure: that I won't be what you like. I am going there as your boyfriend and your lifepartner. I, so badly, want this to work for the both of us to know that our lives are better for knowing each other.

But I'll never leave you. And whilst in Heathrow, Atlanta and the Tulsa gates I'll be the most nervous, emotional person in the world, I can guarantee you that seeing your face will instantly do justice to a year of waiting, a month of panic and, hopefully, many more happy years of being together.

I love you Steven, never doubt that in this life or the next. You are my lifepartner, my soulmate and the person that I want to spend my life with. This opportunity that presents itself is one that scares me to the back bones but it's an opportunity to be with the greatest guy in my life.

That is worth any price.

I love you Steven :) xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

3 Days To Go

<3

10 Days To Go

Apologies for not blogging yesterday. Way too much happened to even put my mind to an update there and then. So here it goes, 24 hours on.

I was scared of carnage yesterday. I had a friend over (Zoe) and she's training to read people's minds (or a psychology course, I'm not sure which.). Basically, I haven't seen her in yonks and it was supposed to be a nice little catch up over a drink and a laugh. But she reads these blogs and she wanted to get down to the bottom of why I've been very much not myself. She discovered it pretty fast and gave me some direction to go in (because it was lacking very badly). I just wanted some small things for myself. I kept on putting others first and didn't look at my own wants and getting them through. It sounds selfish, but a relationship should be equal and I didn't feel I was in one. I put my case to Steven and I told him how strongly I felt that, just some more, he is a little more expressive in himself and how he feels about me. If someone you care about so much doesn't tell you the things that they supposedly think of you, how are you to believe they still do feel them? It was a really stressful and upsetting day and, for the 5th day straight, I couldn't hold myself together long enough to not cry. I know I'm an emotional person but I'm not by any means a walkover. I really just wanted a boyfriend who could emote like I know he could but chose not to.

And I think I broke through. I think...

Because today, I woke up to a load of Kik messages and (you'll gasp at this, I know it) a FB wall post. If you didn't gasp, you do not know me, Steven or anything. That is exactly what I wanted from him, just a public show of affection. I thought he never was going to do it, I was scared I was never publicly going to be anything to him but David. He said caring things about me on Kik, he actually became a Steven that I've never seen but always wanted to see. For the first time in what seems like forever, he was happy. I've literally just got off Skype with him and he smiled! He sounded happy! I am just so glad that things seem back on track to succeed when I'm out there. I cannot thank Steven enough for him wanting to do some little things that I like. I love you Steven :) xxx

And Zoe, you are a miracle worker. Without you, I'd never push myself. Thank you babe :) x

10 days. This is the last day that it'll be a double digit countdown for an awful long time. I've suddenly found an air of confidence in myself and my belief that this will all work out. I was scared that, yesterday, I wasn't going to be welcomed into Tulsa. I was going to be rejected and left. Instead, I still believe we can share that most romantic of thoughts. The one where, after a year of waiting, of fights and arguments and love and tension, I finally walk through the arrivals gate at Tulsa International. I look around and my eyes meet with this man. No pixels, no static connection. It's live. My eyes meet with this amazingly good looking guy and we walk up to each other. We're nervous but we're excited. Finally, it all ends. The waiting ends and we have that first embrace. That first moment, that first bond. We hold each other and can't believe that we made it this far. The sky wasn't the limit, we're higher than that in the moment. We are finally, all of a sudden, together. And that will be the single greatest feeling I will ever experience.

50 Shades of Grey, eat your heart out. Who says men can't do romance?

10 days. I love you Steven. :)

<3

12 Days To Go

I don't want to exaggerate things, but I am a scared man. I was up till half 3 last night, distraught over the supposed idea that, whilst out there, Steven might not be spending all the time with me. He might want to spend it with friends. That doesn't hack me off so much as the connotation that he'd rather spend time with them than me. It's not a big deal, really, he kept on saying. And it isn't, but I know I'm feeling the pressure of going over a thousand times more than he is with having me over. Every little thing I say, I over-analyse and every little thing he says, I review to death. It's only because I want a perfectly happy boyfriend. I have many insecurities I know, but to me he's perfect and I'm horribly flawed. The fear runs deeper than just being cast aside (because I've felt like that for months), it's going out there to be judged and found wanting. Found to not be the person he thinks I am.

This is all too much of a gamble to be taken lightly. To be taken at all...

I'm sitting in a house that's absolutely baking. The temp has got beyond 30C several times today, but the humidity is killer. I'm still (technically) resting my foot even though it seems to be 99% healed. So I'm stewing. To give you an indicator of things, it was 30C at about 11am today here. I got to bed at 3:45am last night, it was 21C then. It barely changed thanks to the humidity. I've already felt totally uncomfortable today, but now, physically, I feel weaker than a wet sock. I know I'm travelling out to a country that loves pushing 35C in the summer, but that's a holiday. I have the mindset that it's going to be hot. I don't like it that a country famous for shit summers decides to pull out an Ibiza-in-a-day weather pattern.

Next thing you know we'll all be drinking Sangria off donkeys.

It's 12 days to go and I feel like I'm digging a bigger hole, which I can't stop digging and I can't escape from. When you know you won't truly get what you want, ever, there's a period of acceptance that should happen. You re-adjust your goals and wants and aim for them. I just cannot accept that I truly won't actually get my idea of love, whilst at the same time giving someone theirs and so much more. And in no way is it his fault, this mine. I'm to blame for the hurt and pain that's caused. I'm just too scared to ask for two main reasons: first it will be rejected and that fear of rejection is nearly as bad as him not wanting to talk to me. The other is that I can't anything more of him. I've ruined conversations and days more often than I have fingers, how dare I want anything from him: when the only thing I seem to be these days is tears and emotion? I'm not fun anymore, I'm not happy anymore.

It hurts more when he says it though.

12 days. I love you Steven. I'm so sorry. ;'(

<3

14 Days To Go

2 measly little weeks until I board a plane to destiny. So cheesy yet profound. It's hard to think back all those months ago to when I bought the ticket. To when I bought the ESTA. To when I bought the travel insurance. All those months wishing that time would speed up. I can truly say now that I didn't appreciate the time I had. I had time to prepare for what lay ahead and I didn't. I had time to adjust my attitudes and feelings and I didn't. I instead blinded myself with exaggerations of excitement, fronting a rather more scared and frightened child. I'm 19, and I felt 5. I still feel 5, I feel really vulnerable.

Not so much that I need a dummy.

I injured my foot (somehow) on Monday morning, meaning I've had to use crutches to get around. Today I had an 'alumni' thing at my old secondary school and I completely ballsed up my speech. I felt horrid. I talked about random stuff that had no meaning and not about the course or anything. I felt like a complete reject. I had Mel to help me there (a friendly face out of many) and I realised just how thankful I was that I still kept in contact with old friends. She isn't old in herself, but her friendship goes back a few years. I would have killed as a student to have the opportunity we gave those kids today.

Shame they didn't look like they wanted it.

I find that, with so little time to go now, I'm getting far too panicky. I shouldn't read so deeply into actions. I'm so insecure in myself and I'm so sure about Steven being the right one that I make all the mistakes. If he forgets to do something, it's my fault. I shouldn't just jump in at the worst possibility. But I fear I've realised this too late. I have a terrible habit of hurting the ones I love because I jump to the wrong conclusions. I panic, I worry and that is me, that is my nature. But I should be able to change if it doesn't benefit the greater good (in any case, the greater good would be Steven's happiness over anything else). All I want in life is for Steven to have a smile on his face, and more often than not recently, I've not given that to him. He deserves someone who does give it to him.

He's doing humanity a favour by picking me up. Shake his hand if you meet him.

14 days. I love you Steven. I'm so sorry. <3