100 Days To Go

100 days left. It's certainly looking a lot sooner now. I'm at home for about 25 of those days before I break up for summer (that's about 18 days), so I have about 50-55 days left at University. It's even scarier to them think that that means 9 assignments in about 8 weeks. Which means that this term, coupled with placement, is going to be more intense, more hard working and a lot more drinking. I kid of course. I'll only drink a little. But I'm going to have to say goodbye to weekends and goodbye to my social life (BAHAHAHA, I never had one of those!) for a couple of weeks so I don't have to worry about the prospects of resits and finding out whilst I'm in the USA.

One day, I'll be able to call these breaks from University a 'holiday'.

I didn't have the greatest run in to get to Easter. Whilst lectures wound down, assignments were, well, passed and packing went like a dream, I felt like I was battling a real sense of panic. I've said before, I'm certainly not scared of going. If I was, I would not have bought the ticket. This is the longest relationship I've been in, I've never been in one so serious and I know I'm not a massive catch so... to me, I'm pressuring myself to be as good as I can be. I want Steven and others to be able and look back, if I do anything wrong, and say that I only do what I do in life because I had the best intentions at heart. You hope that's enough to shien through whatever crack has been made.

It's going to be an unusually intense couple of days. Saturday was all about the travelling, lugging around dead weight and bar-staffing. Today is about roast lamb and Wrestlemania (:P) and tomorrow is all about removing a greenhouse and more travelling, with Tuesday being going round geeking out with Liam (much like old times!). Can't say I'm not looking forward to it, but I slept till 1:30pm today. Half my day was gone: a day I pencilled in to be my ESTA purchasing day and my journal surmising day.

Those journals will be thankful I didn't make them my bitch today. You wait till next week.

121 Days To Go

A thought came across me today. I'm back in Worcester after spending the most wonderful few days at home and I'm feeling very very low. Why am I feeling low? Because for how little I spoke to my BF this weekend, it'll be even less this week. Why did I let this get to me? Because I discovered something. We all know that bullying comes in all forms: physical, verbal etc. Have you ever considered 'silence' bullying? I can see why not speaking up can be seen as bullying. Do you know the first thing I did when I got home? I threw my hands round my mum, holding back tears because, for the first time since joining university, I was bullied. Bullied by silence.

It takes balls to take responsibility. Seems like I've got a massive pair compared to you.

It occurs to me that I have 6 'official' followers. Those who have an account and wish to follow this blog! To those of you, hello! To those who follow but haven't joined, hello to you too! It fills me with such joy when people have come to me and spoken of their joy for reading this blog (despite it being sometimes more depressing than brown bread). If I get just one person to understand how I feel, I've explained myself well and it makes this all worth it. I'm not all about reader statistics, I'm just blown over by how many people have cared enough to look. In such a time of feeling alone, I feel heartened to have such nice things to reflect upon when writing this.

Officially on record: thanks for listening! :)

I'll be honest, I'm scared. I'm scared of a lot of things. I find myself with 3 weeks of Uni till the Easter break which, if I'm right, isn't going to be a 'stressful' run in. But after that break, full days, placement and money come straight into the picture. I'm scared that, as the year draws to a close, I'll find myself under pressure with more assignments. And I'm scared that in 121 days, whilst I have no doubt in me that I'm making the right decision, my life will change forever.

If I can louden my bullies though, I'm sure I'll be just fine.

150 Days To Go

So, I only discovered this morning that my mum reads these blogs. Which is really heart-warming in one sense and scary in the other. Because these blogs are raw, from the heart. Something I've always been scared of is judgement and I always want to be judged in a good light by my parents. The fact that I have 150 days till I get to Gatwick and go to Tulsa makes it even more scary that I still worry primarily about what people think of me. Is this the concern of all teenage boys?

I panic myself easily. You don't need to prank me, I'll do it myself.

So I seem to have come down with a cold. But I never encountered anyone with a cold, so I know exactly why I got it. It happened after the pantomime I directed finished. Now I've got it after going broke and signing for a house. It's a stress related illness. I want this summer to roll around so badly that the time I'm not doing anything, I want it to end so I can be busy and kill the time till Tulsa.

I'm ill on my break but well during the work. Irony?

I'm going to see my best friend Liam at Greenwich University on Thursday. I can't wait, it makes me feel like a real Uni student. Everyone I know has had friends come up from their respective places to come visit and I get to do that soon. Hopefully he'll do the same at Easter. It actually means an awful lot to go down there and spend some time with him but it means I might sacrifice some time with my BF. I hope he understands how much it'll hurt that I won't get to sleep with him on Skype for a couple of days.

Anytime without him hurts. Lectures hurt. Work hurts. Love hurts.