276 Days To Go - 9th July 2013

So, after the most perfect 6 weeks and a day I could ever have imagined, I have finalised the day where I want to repeat the greatest summer of all time. Tuesday 9th July, 2013. That's a whole 39 and a bit weeks away, which means I'm in absolute agony that it isn't anytime soon. But they always stated that good things come to those who wait. That summer out in Tulsa: I had some of the greatest moments in my young life happen. I met the greatest man, I smiled straight for 6 weeks and, minus a hiccup early on the first Saturday I was there, we both spent each day holding hands, hugging and sharing lives together.

But one thing I must describe to you was that first moment that we saw each other. I had already walked the best part of a quarter of a mile out of the gate where my plane was, looking for arrivals at Tulsa airport. Finally, I saw a busted revolving door with the bollard sign of 'arrivals, this way' on it. Next to it was a lone door with opaque glass. Beyond that glass, beyond that door, was Steven. I took a deep breath and walked through. I was the last off the plane but one of the first through as others had stopped to phone loved ones. How I would have loved that familiarity to do that. But I walked through that door, head up looking. And there he was, Steven. As soon as I looked up I met his glance and instantly broke it, looking down at my shoes and thinking 'I've done it'. I had to take a deep breath to get rid of the smirk on my face and to relax my beating-ever-faster heart. I walked a little faster towards him and, in no time, we shared our first contact. The biggest, hardest hug I've ever had. He whispered 'welcome' to me as we embraced and we let go. I said 'wow, I can't believe it'.

I couldn't believe that, after saying it for so long, I was actually in the presence of perfection.

I won't go into details about the trip as, for the most part, Steven was at work and I was at home. I'll skip right to the end. Departure day arrived and I hated every second of it. I think my family might have underestimated how much I truly did hate it. I cried for the most part of the day and we shared our last goodbye. Unfortunately, we could not negotiate parking at Tulsa so I had to go to the red drop off area, which has a 3 minute limit. We hugged, we cried, we kissed. We never wanted to let go. Finally, he got into the car and rolled down the window. We held hands through the window and, finally, we let go and I let him drive off. That was the most painful thing I've ever had to do. I felt rotten and the journey home was so horrid. Got back to Heathrow and had to go to the bathroom several times before going through customs to get rid of the red eyes. Met my mum and Helen at the arrivals gate but, secretly, all I wanted was to see Steven once again, waiting for me. All I wanted to do was cry and cry and cry but I was told to stop it because it would 'make me feel better'. Not sure about that one.

Especially as, at that point, I wouldn't be with the one I love for just under 11 months. </3

Right now, me and Steven are on a break. Since we got back, it's been a horrid re-evaluation of what we currently have. We had the whole thing and loved every minute, we can't have it for a long while yet. Understandably, that's going to cause a lot of tension. When I say 'break', we aren't physically using voices but we can still FB and text chat. We got into a culture of getting into arguments as, naturally, we are both stubborn. More recently, I've been a lot more vocal due to the confidence I gained whilst being out there. But that's conflicted badly with our personalities so I've got to learn to know when to voice myself and how to do it right, because I've only failed thus far. If he decides to see other people (which, as a disclaimer, he said he wouldn't dare do), I'd understand. But I'll never look for anyone else but him in my life. And whilst we might be experiencing trouble, I have July 9th in my sights. It's still 276 days away.

But it's still 4600 miles away. We've conquered it once. And we want to conquer it again.

And we will, that I have no doubt.

150 Days To Go

So, I only discovered this morning that my mum reads these blogs. Which is really heart-warming in one sense and scary in the other. Because these blogs are raw, from the heart. Something I've always been scared of is judgement and I always want to be judged in a good light by my parents. The fact that I have 150 days till I get to Gatwick and go to Tulsa makes it even more scary that I still worry primarily about what people think of me. Is this the concern of all teenage boys?

I panic myself easily. You don't need to prank me, I'll do it myself.

So I seem to have come down with a cold. But I never encountered anyone with a cold, so I know exactly why I got it. It happened after the pantomime I directed finished. Now I've got it after going broke and signing for a house. It's a stress related illness. I want this summer to roll around so badly that the time I'm not doing anything, I want it to end so I can be busy and kill the time till Tulsa.

I'm ill on my break but well during the work. Irony?

I'm going to see my best friend Liam at Greenwich University on Thursday. I can't wait, it makes me feel like a real Uni student. Everyone I know has had friends come up from their respective places to come visit and I get to do that soon. Hopefully he'll do the same at Easter. It actually means an awful lot to go down there and spend some time with him but it means I might sacrifice some time with my BF. I hope he understands how much it'll hurt that I won't get to sleep with him on Skype for a couple of days.

Anytime without him hurts. Lectures hurt. Work hurts. Love hurts.

172 Days To Go

Having finally got a few days off to relax, I believed my body was ready to say hello and goodbye to the new day in the same vein as someone in solitary confinement. Without seeing it in person. However, a text from my mum later and I'm up and awake at 9am and not able to get back to sleep. So... another 12 hour day of some kind makes up my (supposedly) productive Saturday. My to-do list this week involves a plan, a presentation and preparation of work. In other words, PPP Saturday.

I made you say P three times. He he.

My ordered shopping came through yesterday to a few surprises. I ordered my shopping at 11pm on a Wednesday. That meant I slept-ordered. In the same vein as sleep talking, I ordered quite poorly. Instead of fresh milk and sugar, I ordered 4 packs of bacon. Instead of ordering my lettuce and peppers I wanted, I ordered 10 bars of milk chocolate. So basically... I have a very student-like cupboard, full of tasty crap. So, on the one hand, I won't be eating healthily for a while. On the plus side, root beer is stocked.

Wish I ordered worse and got some vanilla ice cream... that's a hell of a drink...

Thanks to a recommendation from someone who follows this blog, I got listening to a little bit of Jessie J. I have to admit, my first impression of her as an artist consisted of hiding my face behind a pillow because jewel encrusted lips frightened the hell out of me. But she recommended 'Who's Laughing Now?' by her and it seriously got me thinking. I was made to feel worthless for a number of years by a few people over my love life and my life in general. Turns out I'm nearing 7 months with the BF and they've all ended up either in prison or single.

Who's laughing now? Not that I'm vengeful but I pissed myself when I found out.

177 Days To Go

After the first day of a block placement entangled with pure joy and pure tiredness, I can easily say that I really want to be a primary school teacher with my own classroom, my own class, my own TA and my own wage. This startling conclusion came, not in the classroom setting, but in my own abode. Cleaning my room from an organisational pigsty to something cleaner than the Pope's underwear. My room looked dirtier than a priests' CRB check but after battling the fiendish monster, I feel more organised and prepared than ever to live a life.

And all because I can see the original dead spiders. Ah, bless.

Having rattled out a pretty intense first day on placement (I led some kids in an investigation about science and sat in a 90 minute planning meeting), I came home and went STRAIGHT to Skype. An instant beeline to the laptop to talk with my BF. But... I could only spend 20 minutes with him. For the rest of the time I would be talking to him would then be taken up with dinner, chores, planning, organisation and a private matter. And I truly felt awful, because I vowed to him that I would spend as much time as I could with him, even if it meant putting everything else on hold. I was so glad he was so understanding, but he knows how much I am hurting from not being able to contact him as much today. It got me proper down.

I'll do anything for a job at the end of it, but only one where I can talk to him for a while in between...

I reckon I'll average getting about 4 hours sleep a night for this placement. Whilst I'm still reeling from the fact that I'm going on holiday, my head still isn't fully clear yet. I celebrated 6 months, I turned 19 and I'm teaching my first lesson in under 9 days. With all these big events happening so suddenly, I'm scared of overloading. And with the lack of sleep, I'm really scared that, come weekends... I might not wake up to blog...

It's like a slightly more believable version of 'Saw'. This will be your worst nightmare.

178 Days To Go: The Birthday/6 Months Blog

I celebrated my 19th birthday today, knowing that this day marked huge changes in my life that would impact me and my choices forever. I had 2 slices of cake today, not the whole cake.

Changes.

Today, I bought my ticket to the States. That's £800 paid for the greatest 6 week period of my life. And the feeling of euphoria when I booked it was just epic. Knowing that, in 6 months time, I'll be in Tulsa, OK with the love of my life as we start our journey together. But the feeling was one of relief. This has been hanging over our heads for quite some time, a lot of what ifs and things going wrong. It was off, then on, then off, then on again. Nothing ever ran smoothly until I actually bought the damn thing. My e-ticket takes pride and place on my noticeboard.

Some uni students have photos and posters above their bed. I have my travel itinerary. U jelly?

My birthday was simply magical. Having got up early to Skype with the parents (thank you SOOOOO much for your present!), I settled down for a cosy day with my laptop. Not only was it my birthday, it is 6 months that me and the BF have been dating. It felt awesome that everything came together as it did. With the flatmates somewhat occupied, I just chilled. With tomorrow being the first day of block placement, I didn't want nerves or anxiety creeping into my special day. Just as things started to feel a little lonely (none of my flatmates had said 'happy birthday' at that point due to the fact that my 3rd flatmate wasn't there), they (the other 2 that were here) surprised me with a homemade card and a cake and a note perfect (:P) rendition of 'Happy Birthday'. I burst into tears and hugged them all. They really made today something truly special.

Chocolate cake AND a song? I truly felt unworthy at that point, what had I done to deserve such bliss?

A lovely piece of intimate time with the BF was to follow. I proved to him I could read and we shared our traditional monthly 'Then' moment (Brad Paisley - Then, once a month on our anniversary). Nothing went wrong today. And after visiting my friend Nicola at her flat for another round of cake and singing, it was back to my place. Tish turned up and led me into the second surprise of the day (any more and I would have had a coronary). She got me into my room to talk about the weekend, abruptly left whilst the others decorated the flat with 'happy birthday' banners. They got me into the kitchen, screamed surprise and gave me my gifts. I truly love my flatmates so much for what they did and what they got me, they truly are family to me now.

An effortlessly cool cardigan, a giant mug, two new ties and chocolate. You know when people buy your heart? They (as well as the BF) own it right now.

Placement starts tomorrow. I'm a (19 year old) professional. Good times :)