5 Days To Go

And now there is a huge air of excitement running through me at every point. It's nearly the end of the week and what lies ahead is a hugely busy weekend. Strangely though, none of it involves the holiday. Which means several things. It means my mind will be elsewhere and it means it'll be occupied. But the greatest thing is that time will absolutely fly. On my end, I've relaxed at exactly the right time. There was huge tension towards the end of last week and massive indecision flying around. To me, that was my mind and my body telling me that it was realising just what a huge risk this is and how much it might come back to bite me on the ass. I'm not a risk taker, I wouldn't do something unless I know it's going to go smoothly. Which is why me travelling 4600 miles is the biggest risk I've ever taken and, probably, will ever take in life.

Somehow, I might not be feeling so bad if I was choosing between red and black. Someone take me to a casino!

It's only 5 days now. Closer to 4 really since it's 50 minutes to a new day (at the time of writing that) and it inches closer. I wish I didn't express myself as much sometimes (or at least not be good at it) because there's a level; of expectation that you'll get it back. Whilst you say you don't expect something from someone, there will always be a base level of which you expect a response. I know Steven doesn't emote, so of course, he's never going to show to anyone, let alone me, that he'd be nervous. Neither would he admit to being scared at the prospect of me coming over (maybe as, in terms of legwork, I'm doing the heavy travelling) or any other prospect for that matter. But he knows I'm scared and he knows that I'll always be nervous about this. So many people have offered their ears as a source of relief and aid and it's so gratifying to know that so many people really do care for my well-being for that to happen.

And from what it seems, if it goes wrong, Steven has some very angry Brits to deal with. Hot tea anyone?

I found out today how much of a bitch university is when you are away from it. I received my second set of Professional Studies results (Reflective Essay - D+) and a new reading list for English. I had just, this week, finally settled at home and got any inclination of hard work out of my system. See, for the last few weeks, I've felt like I've needed to work. Surely, I can't just sit on my arse and relax (unless you are doing a sports course, embrace the hate guys and gals!), I haven't been able to do that for a whole year and now I'm expected to switch off? I can't do that. I've never been able to switch off, it's why it takes me years to get off to sleep. There's no way I'm switching off on the night going into the 10th and I can guarantee you that my mind won't be off work until I know I'm in university next year.

Worcester can shove it. Stress when it isn't needed. Disgraceful.

5 Days To Go. I Love You Steven. :)

<3

61 Days To Go

Ohhhhhhh, less than 9 weeks to go now! Must admit, it's getting pretty exciting knowing that, day by day, I'm getting so much closer to the holiday of a lifetime. With tonnes of uni work though, it's not like the days are going quickly. It's kind of something I really want, the days to go a little faster. But here's the thing... I'm now trying to complete the work I wanted to leave to make the days pass by fast. So... essentially... I'm getting it all done early for... er... peace of mind? Less stress? Not all too sure what the ulterior motive is for trying to be a good student but once it's done, it's done I guess.

I'll topple all this work, just like I toppled waking up early for placement.

These last few days have been so damn stressful. Tears, anger, worry and stress. They all amount to a person I never knew existed. Someone who isn't fearing the bigger things in life: more he worries about keeping the best things that happened to me. I've had arguments I never thought I'd have but my real worry is that I showed a side of me that people will hate. When you try so hard to fit in by being yourself and getting someone to fall for you, only to show the Hyde in yourself, it's a struggle to regain trust. And with 61 days to go... well... it's a side that's best repressed.

Repressed... and then blogged... rawr.

Placement is halfway through now and I'm buzzing. I feel really comfortable in front of the class but I'm annoyed that not all of my lessons seem to be getting through to them. I know, as a teacher, you can't always deliver a perfect lesson. But you'd hope that all the kids go away knowing they've had fun and enjoyed what you taught them. Having kids come up to you and say it's the best lesson they've had for years, only to turn round the next week and not learn a thing...

It's massively disheartening.

150 Days To Go

So, I only discovered this morning that my mum reads these blogs. Which is really heart-warming in one sense and scary in the other. Because these blogs are raw, from the heart. Something I've always been scared of is judgement and I always want to be judged in a good light by my parents. The fact that I have 150 days till I get to Gatwick and go to Tulsa makes it even more scary that I still worry primarily about what people think of me. Is this the concern of all teenage boys?

I panic myself easily. You don't need to prank me, I'll do it myself.

So I seem to have come down with a cold. But I never encountered anyone with a cold, so I know exactly why I got it. It happened after the pantomime I directed finished. Now I've got it after going broke and signing for a house. It's a stress related illness. I want this summer to roll around so badly that the time I'm not doing anything, I want it to end so I can be busy and kill the time till Tulsa.

I'm ill on my break but well during the work. Irony?

I'm going to see my best friend Liam at Greenwich University on Thursday. I can't wait, it makes me feel like a real Uni student. Everyone I know has had friends come up from their respective places to come visit and I get to do that soon. Hopefully he'll do the same at Easter. It actually means an awful lot to go down there and spend some time with him but it means I might sacrifice some time with my BF. I hope he understands how much it'll hurt that I won't get to sleep with him on Skype for a couple of days.

Anytime without him hurts. Lectures hurt. Work hurts. Love hurts.