61 Days To Go

Ohhhhhhh, less than 9 weeks to go now! Must admit, it's getting pretty exciting knowing that, day by day, I'm getting so much closer to the holiday of a lifetime. With tonnes of uni work though, it's not like the days are going quickly. It's kind of something I really want, the days to go a little faster. But here's the thing... I'm now trying to complete the work I wanted to leave to make the days pass by fast. So... essentially... I'm getting it all done early for... er... peace of mind? Less stress? Not all too sure what the ulterior motive is for trying to be a good student but once it's done, it's done I guess.

I'll topple all this work, just like I toppled waking up early for placement.

These last few days have been so damn stressful. Tears, anger, worry and stress. They all amount to a person I never knew existed. Someone who isn't fearing the bigger things in life: more he worries about keeping the best things that happened to me. I've had arguments I never thought I'd have but my real worry is that I showed a side of me that people will hate. When you try so hard to fit in by being yourself and getting someone to fall for you, only to show the Hyde in yourself, it's a struggle to regain trust. And with 61 days to go... well... it's a side that's best repressed.

Repressed... and then blogged... rawr.

Placement is halfway through now and I'm buzzing. I feel really comfortable in front of the class but I'm annoyed that not all of my lessons seem to be getting through to them. I know, as a teacher, you can't always deliver a perfect lesson. But you'd hope that all the kids go away knowing they've had fun and enjoyed what you taught them. Having kids come up to you and say it's the best lesson they've had for years, only to turn round the next week and not learn a thing...

It's massively disheartening.

96 Days To Go - ESTA

Feels weird to type only two digits in the title box. Makes this whole blog feel that tiny bit shorter. Much like my ego. It wasn't anywhere to start, then I found it and now it feels as small as the number of days left. It's been a bit of a revolutionary few days. I haven't felt totally lost without a cause, (after doing all your Easter uni work though, that feeling kinda lingers) but recently more than ever I've felt an awful amount of pressure on myself to not feel nervous or excited for what's coming up, mainly because no-one else feels that way. If you felt something completely different to everyone else, you'd be forgiven for thinking that it's wrong to feel that way. When it isn't actually. But you change it because you feel so out of place.

Until the end of Year 1 at Uni, no more excitement. I command myself to be bland and boring. Cue mild applause.

I like being home a hell of a lot. It's comforting to be in my own bed, in the security of my own house and not having to worry so much about the financial side of life. Having said that, I just bought some summer clothes. 2 pairs of jean shorts (I look like I'm wearing what 5 year olds would wear if they were freaks of nature. I look adorable), a new top and new shoes. All of this when my best friend Liam should have bought his new game. On a day where I only planned to buy a bus ticket and lunch, I ended up forking out more on clothing than health.

I'm not a stereotype by any means. But...

I also bought something else a few days ago which only became valid today, my ESTA. Essentially, you used to have to buy a Visa to enter the USA. But, because our country is popular, you can buy an ESTA from the Visa Waiver programme. It's basically a cheaper, longer lasting Visa that grants you multiple access, but the border control can still choose not to let you in. So, essentially, it's a second ticket to get it, meaning the only thing that is stopping me getting to Tulsa is the pure fact of time. And that's going to go super fast (after Easter, 5 weeks till half term, then 2 weeks after half term it's summer) that excites me. Which is why those first 5 weeks back at Uni are going to be super intense.

Watch my life crumble around me. WATCH IT....

148 Days To Go: Valentines

So, it's the first time ever that I get to celebrate Valentines Day with someone. For all the years that I was the one looking jealous at my other friends who got to speak lovely things to each other, got to embrace each other and got to have a day where visible love isn't yucked upon but celebrated, I could finally have that. Except, I can't... I don't feel I can celebrate today because the BF doesn't necessarily like certain aspects of it. And I don't blame him, over-commercialisation of love amongst other grievances are legitimate, even in my own opinion. But for the number of years I always cried and ate and drank because I couldn't celebrate love, I feel slightly saddened that I can't do it to the level I want to; when I finally have someone to do it with.

So Happy Tuesday 14th February. Here's to next week's Pancake Day!

It crossed my mind earlier on Monday... I'm so scared of judgement. But I'm going to the USA as my BF's first ever boyfriend... so I'll have to meet his parents. And that, my readers, made me shit a hellish brick. (Sidenote - shit doesn't come up with a squiggly red line underneath!) I'm going to have to 'meet the parents' at some point and I am so scared of that. For no matter how much I want to impress my BF and my family and my friends, it will be the in-laws who will be the most judgemental and analyse me and I have to make a good first impression.

Or I could go AWOL. In America. (Yu-Gi-Oh Abridged anyone?)

This is also the first time I have blogged with my BF listening to me type. But he also can't see what I'm typing. We talk so often about judgement but rarely if judgement is passed before a full case is to be heard (reference - John Terry). I see the singles in the world become empowered at the thought of being alone on Valentines, those couples who have someone be treated to what they want (not necessarily Hallmark) and then there's the feeling of indifference. When I'm either side of the Valentines spectrum, I still feel indifferent for now having someone. So... there's no middle ground... I just have been made to feel outcast by everyone on Valentines Day.

A card would have been nice. Hell, I'll send it myself.

165 Days To Go: Part 2

With all this newly emerged free time, I got quite a bit done today. Stuff that I couldn't do mainly because I was out of the house trying to teach kids that 'The Tyger' is just as thrilling as 'Smack Ma Bitch Up'. It's a hard task. I sorted out my SE folder (a day late, go figure), got through 5 discs of Family Guy and rediscovered that my purpose in life was to totally remember every single Eurovision entry from the last few years in my CD collection and become moved yet again by my true ability to mime along to 'My Heart Is Yours'. Not only that, started listening, again, to Rascal Flatts. I've truly missed them amongst all the Chase and Status I've been subjected to. And all of the BF' heavy metal when he plays it.

He has heavy metal. If he plays it, I bring Steps to America. His call.

I managed to make something even I didn't expect to ever exist. I had streaky bacon that was out of date tomorrow so I needed to use it today. But my bread was out of date. I had two options... straight bacon or have something out of my cupboard and mix it in. Considering the second option of the latter would have been tea bags, you would have hoped I would have been better prepared for this situation. Turns out I had Tomato and Bacon Soup. A BLT without the health or the L. In liquid form. My ability to improvise was tested and my drama background totally came through.

Still tasted like a BLT without the L. Crap.

Tonight, it sunk in. Today, I saw what my course was all about. Not any card from the kids, not any good marks from the assignments, nothing in this country. I had a bad morning and this evening, me and the BF had a good hour and a bit together just chatting, just laughing. I realised that the money I'd spent to get there, the money I'm spending on this course, it's so I can finally get what the world takes for granted. I can get what many people have experienced but probably never thought it was so special. And boy I'm excited for when it happens. For 6 weeks it happens everyday hopefully.

I'll get to see that smile, that laugh, that face without pixels. And I'll reflect it right back.