2 measly little weeks until I board a plane to destiny. So cheesy yet profound. It's hard to think back all those months ago to when I bought the ticket. To when I bought the ESTA. To when I bought the travel insurance. All those months wishing that time would speed up. I can truly say now that I didn't appreciate the time I had. I had time to prepare for what lay ahead and I didn't. I had time to adjust my attitudes and feelings and I didn't. I instead blinded myself with exaggerations of excitement, fronting a rather more scared and frightened child. I'm 19, and I felt 5. I still feel 5, I feel really vulnerable.
Not so much that I need a dummy.
I injured my foot (somehow) on Monday morning, meaning I've had to use crutches to get around. Today I had an 'alumni' thing at my old secondary school and I completely ballsed up my speech. I felt horrid. I talked about random stuff that had no meaning and not about the course or anything. I felt like a complete reject. I had Mel to help me there (a friendly face out of many) and I realised just how thankful I was that I still kept in contact with old friends. She isn't old in herself, but her friendship goes back a few years. I would have killed as a student to have the opportunity we gave those kids today.
Shame they didn't look like they wanted it.
I find that, with so little time to go now, I'm getting far too panicky. I shouldn't read so deeply into actions. I'm so insecure in myself and I'm so sure about Steven being the right one that I make all the mistakes. If he forgets to do something, it's my fault. I shouldn't just jump in at the worst possibility. But I fear I've realised this too late. I have a terrible habit of hurting the ones I love because I jump to the wrong conclusions. I panic, I worry and that is me, that is my nature. But I should be able to change if it doesn't benefit the greater good (in any case, the greater good would be Steven's happiness over anything else). All I want in life is for Steven to have a smile on his face, and more often than not recently, I've not given that to him. He deserves someone who does give it to him.
He's doing humanity a favour by picking me up. Shake his hand if you meet him.
14 days. I love you Steven. I'm so sorry. <3
Showing posts with label school. Show all posts
Showing posts with label school. Show all posts
Tuesday, 26 June 2012
Monday, 25 June 2012
15 Days To Go: Countdown Begins
Sorry for the lack of updates. Those who follow on Facebook know that University stress and placements don't mix. Much like whiskey and beer and coke. More on that later.
So the first year of university is completed. A sad time as I'm leaving a lot of good memories behind but I don;t think I could have continued on much longer at the pace we were going. My flatmates were amazing the last few days, they were so composed and I know if any of them had been an emotional wreck before Thursday just gone, I would have been in tears. Those people (Tish, Alex and James) will always hold a special place in my heart for many years to come. They watched me grow and I watched them watch me. Sounds almost perverse but let's not forget that what was said and done in that flat stays there. I'll truly miss their little foibles and, to psychologies it a bit, I think that's what I'll miss most when I move into my new house.
Avon Flat 2 forever. The flat karaoke, I'll miss that too. <3
Had my final bit of placement and a residential. Here's a tip to those who don't have kids: wait until the government makes leashes legal. The worry about losing kids was almost too much on some occasions. But I got to teach them everyday whilst in school, which was so valuable in my development. And 3 'outstandings' out of 3 isn't half bad ain't it? Going to London with them was such a welcome distraction from University's last few breaths of the academic year and getting to see the kids who only thought I wore a waistcoat and suit out of school was so nice. They were totally different but they loved the experience, as did I.
I'm never planning a school trip though. That would be ridiculous. They can run around on the playground all day for all I care.
Me and Steven have hit more than 11 months together. That's significant as it's the last anniversary before I'm finally out there. Me and him went through some rough patches, but with it being so close to getting out there, I can only see it as the pressure getting there. Only in the last few weeks have we admitted to each other that we're nervous as anything and slightly scared as to how it'll all go down. My worry is I'll turn up at the airport and either he isn't there or he looks and me and think 'oh Christ look at this minger, what the hell have I landed?' . I'm sure his worry is the same thing and it's a crying shame you can't get someone to believe in how good they look. Damn self image problems. But 15 days, I can't begin to tell you how excited I am for the time coming up. It's going to be an intense last few weeks of panicking and excitement.
That's if the airport stop changing my freaking itinerary. As it goes, I might be landing in Alaska!
I also went to go see my friend Liam down in Greenwich again. A fantastic opportunity to let my hair down, game till it's dawn and catch up on all the lewd bits of life that I missed but Liam casually picked up! Although, on a pub crawl through Greenwich, it maybe wasn't wise to order McDonalds on the last leg. And them cockily ask Tom to get me a whiskey to end the night. After the puking stopped I felt glorious, but a little tender. That's another life lesson brought to you by the unfortunate lovechild of Ann Widdecombe and Chewbacca.
That lovechild's name was David. They vowed secrecy. Until now.
15 Days. <3 I love you Steven.
So the first year of university is completed. A sad time as I'm leaving a lot of good memories behind but I don;t think I could have continued on much longer at the pace we were going. My flatmates were amazing the last few days, they were so composed and I know if any of them had been an emotional wreck before Thursday just gone, I would have been in tears. Those people (Tish, Alex and James) will always hold a special place in my heart for many years to come. They watched me grow and I watched them watch me. Sounds almost perverse but let's not forget that what was said and done in that flat stays there. I'll truly miss their little foibles and, to psychologies it a bit, I think that's what I'll miss most when I move into my new house.
Avon Flat 2 forever. The flat karaoke, I'll miss that too. <3
Had my final bit of placement and a residential. Here's a tip to those who don't have kids: wait until the government makes leashes legal. The worry about losing kids was almost too much on some occasions. But I got to teach them everyday whilst in school, which was so valuable in my development. And 3 'outstandings' out of 3 isn't half bad ain't it? Going to London with them was such a welcome distraction from University's last few breaths of the academic year and getting to see the kids who only thought I wore a waistcoat and suit out of school was so nice. They were totally different but they loved the experience, as did I.
I'm never planning a school trip though. That would be ridiculous. They can run around on the playground all day for all I care.
Me and Steven have hit more than 11 months together. That's significant as it's the last anniversary before I'm finally out there. Me and him went through some rough patches, but with it being so close to getting out there, I can only see it as the pressure getting there. Only in the last few weeks have we admitted to each other that we're nervous as anything and slightly scared as to how it'll all go down. My worry is I'll turn up at the airport and either he isn't there or he looks and me and think 'oh Christ look at this minger, what the hell have I landed?' . I'm sure his worry is the same thing and it's a crying shame you can't get someone to believe in how good they look. Damn self image problems. But 15 days, I can't begin to tell you how excited I am for the time coming up. It's going to be an intense last few weeks of panicking and excitement.
That's if the airport stop changing my freaking itinerary. As it goes, I might be landing in Alaska!
I also went to go see my friend Liam down in Greenwich again. A fantastic opportunity to let my hair down, game till it's dawn and catch up on all the lewd bits of life that I missed but Liam casually picked up! Although, on a pub crawl through Greenwich, it maybe wasn't wise to order McDonalds on the last leg. And them cockily ask Tom to get me a whiskey to end the night. After the puking stopped I felt glorious, but a little tender. That's another life lesson brought to you by the unfortunate lovechild of Ann Widdecombe and Chewbacca.
That lovechild's name was David. They vowed secrecy. Until now.
15 Days. <3 I love you Steven.
Thursday, 10 May 2012
61 Days To Go
Ohhhhhhh, less than 9 weeks to go now! Must admit, it's getting pretty exciting knowing that, day by day, I'm getting so much closer to the holiday of a lifetime. With tonnes of uni work though, it's not like the days are going quickly. It's kind of something I really want, the days to go a little faster. But here's the thing... I'm now trying to complete the work I wanted to leave to make the days pass by fast. So... essentially... I'm getting it all done early for... er... peace of mind? Less stress? Not all too sure what the ulterior motive is for trying to be a good student but once it's done, it's done I guess.
I'll topple all this work, just like I toppled waking up early for placement.
These last few days have been so damn stressful. Tears, anger, worry and stress. They all amount to a person I never knew existed. Someone who isn't fearing the bigger things in life: more he worries about keeping the best things that happened to me. I've had arguments I never thought I'd have but my real worry is that I showed a side of me that people will hate. When you try so hard to fit in by being yourself and getting someone to fall for you, only to show the Hyde in yourself, it's a struggle to regain trust. And with 61 days to go... well... it's a side that's best repressed.
Repressed... and then blogged... rawr.
Placement is halfway through now and I'm buzzing. I feel really comfortable in front of the class but I'm annoyed that not all of my lessons seem to be getting through to them. I know, as a teacher, you can't always deliver a perfect lesson. But you'd hope that all the kids go away knowing they've had fun and enjoyed what you taught them. Having kids come up to you and say it's the best lesson they've had for years, only to turn round the next week and not learn a thing...
It's massively disheartening.
Tuesday, 1 May 2012
70 Days To Go
10 weeks. 10 very long, very hectic, very stressful, very draining, very taxing weeks. Anyone who knows me knows I don't do things easy and waiting is definitely one of them. I wasn't born with much patience. About as patient as I got as a youngster was when 6:01pm hit. Dinner was 1 minute late. You know I was standing by that cooker, hoping food would magic its way into my massive gob. (perhaps that's why I'm overweight now then!) I know that (as of writing) I have 7 lecture weeks left in my first year here at Worcester. In that time, 2 essays, an audit, 3 profiles and 4 presentations will have to be made and presented before I decide to get my bags and pack for a happy venture back home.
70 days till I get my 'Love Actually' moment. I can't even look at the case right now.
So, I decided to get my arse in gear (LOL apparently on my spell-check I've spelt 'arse' wrong) and try and bash out my science essay this week. If I've done that, I only have the Professional Studies essay to do on my own. The rest is either group work or DSTs. Currently I stand with an essay that meets the word count and nothing else. I still have to type up the lesson plan and photocopy the examples of work and write the reference list. All in good time and assigned dates my friends. So, as you might be able to tell, I'm buzzing slightly. I'm doing it all for Steven. He knows just how badly I want this work done and why I want it completed. I want it done so I can spend more time with him when the options open up and I have days where I can just lay down and relax about the world.
Much like August 21st. When I'll lay down, stare at the stars and think back to the greatest 6 weeks of my life.
I'm back at placement for Thursdays and Fridays. This time, we are teaching a solo lesson each day. I must admit, I'm getting a lot more comfortable with the idea of being a teacher and standing in front of the class and delivering lessons. I just wish the hours weren't so stupid! Getting up at 5:45am is not my exact idea of a good start to the morning. But, to be fair, I have some awesome people on placement with me who make it all worthwhile. It sounds slightly sad but, I wish next year I am in placement with them again. They just make the whole experience totally worthwhile and fun when you feel on your lowest for months. It will be sad to part from them.
Having said that... no more early mornings for now. I can do with that! The next early morning after placement will be getting to the airport. Cannot freaking wait!
It's seriously killing me that I don't get to spend as much time with Steven anymore. I keep complaining about it here hoping something will change but, again, wasn't blessed with patience. (those going WTF at this point obv didn't read the rest of this blog) I've hit the stage where I feel like I've lost myself if I haven't spoken to him or haven't heard from him in a while. Is that love or craziness? I'm scared that maybe, for a 9 1/2 month relationship, I'm being too selfish wanting him to talk to me, despite his situation meaning he can't do that most days. I know I'm a lot more open about these things than he is, am I wrong to be so open?
Anyone who thought that last sentence was dirty before me mentioning it, go check yourself into a sex clinic. Please.
70 days till I get my 'Love Actually' moment. I can't even look at the case right now.
So, I decided to get my arse in gear (LOL apparently on my spell-check I've spelt 'arse' wrong) and try and bash out my science essay this week. If I've done that, I only have the Professional Studies essay to do on my own. The rest is either group work or DSTs. Currently I stand with an essay that meets the word count and nothing else. I still have to type up the lesson plan and photocopy the examples of work and write the reference list. All in good time and assigned dates my friends. So, as you might be able to tell, I'm buzzing slightly. I'm doing it all for Steven. He knows just how badly I want this work done and why I want it completed. I want it done so I can spend more time with him when the options open up and I have days where I can just lay down and relax about the world.
Much like August 21st. When I'll lay down, stare at the stars and think back to the greatest 6 weeks of my life.
I'm back at placement for Thursdays and Fridays. This time, we are teaching a solo lesson each day. I must admit, I'm getting a lot more comfortable with the idea of being a teacher and standing in front of the class and delivering lessons. I just wish the hours weren't so stupid! Getting up at 5:45am is not my exact idea of a good start to the morning. But, to be fair, I have some awesome people on placement with me who make it all worthwhile. It sounds slightly sad but, I wish next year I am in placement with them again. They just make the whole experience totally worthwhile and fun when you feel on your lowest for months. It will be sad to part from them.
Having said that... no more early mornings for now. I can do with that! The next early morning after placement will be getting to the airport. Cannot freaking wait!
It's seriously killing me that I don't get to spend as much time with Steven anymore. I keep complaining about it here hoping something will change but, again, wasn't blessed with patience. (those going WTF at this point obv didn't read the rest of this blog) I've hit the stage where I feel like I've lost myself if I haven't spoken to him or haven't heard from him in a while. Is that love or craziness? I'm scared that maybe, for a 9 1/2 month relationship, I'm being too selfish wanting him to talk to me, despite his situation meaning he can't do that most days. I know I'm a lot more open about these things than he is, am I wrong to be so open?
Anyone who thought that last sentence was dirty before me mentioning it, go check yourself into a sex clinic. Please.
Wednesday, 25 April 2012
76 Days To Go
Apologies for the lack of updates. Can't really give you a legit reason. Instead, let's crack on.
So my flight itinerary changed. I get to Tulsa a couple of minutes earlier and I leave England a little later, but they moved me to Heathrow. That's annoyed my hugely seeing as Olympic traffic is going to be berserk, even 2-3 weeks before the games. I'm usually quite upbeat about such changes but I'm a little nervous about the changeover. I have just under 2 hours to get to my connecting flight. That isn't so much time to really peg it to the plane whilst checking in and stuff. Should be very fun indeed.
Maybe it's why I want to get fit. I fancy running through Atlanta!
I decided (after quite a few fat jibes) that I'd get out and get fit. Eating healthy, going to the gym and taking better care of myself. I started this on Monday officially and at a starting weight of 15st dead (95kg approx), with the aim being to reduce my body fat and get down to something like 14st by the time I leave Uni. The likeliness of this happening is not particularly high but I'm motivated more than ever to make these positive changes. Although it was adorable when Steven popped up to say that he loves me just the way I am.
True 'awwww' moment that. If you didn't gush, you have no heart!
Me and Steven have been together now for over 9 months. It seemed so far away a few months ago when we were going through a rough patch and seemed so far away when we started dating. 9 months was very much one of those special moments; however due to a living situation on his end, we couldn't spend it the way I envisaged it. When circumstances change, you realise exactly what you took for granted. I assumed I'd see Steven's face every day and I'd hear his voice when I could. I didn't fully take it for granted but I know that I didn't visibly show much I appreciated the time I got to spend with him. Now I barely get any time with him until possibly late May/early June. It's going to be a damn hard couple of weeks.
I've never doubted for a second I'd get to see him for real. Under 11 weeks. I will.
This week marks the start of the most intense period at university this year. The final term. 8 lecture weeks, 9 assignments and a hell of a time at placement to come. I thrive under a little bit of pressure but knowing that, come the end of it all, it'll be just 2 and a half weeks until I find myself flying. I got a huge confidence boost today as I got re-elected StAR Rep for my group. Knowing that people have this much faith in me to serve them is something I never got in Essex. So, I get the chance again that I never had at home. I get to shine, be independent and make people proud of me. I get the chance that I wanted but never got. And I feel as high as a kite for knowing that people believe in me!
Placement tomorrow though. I'm grounded. Temporarily. :)
So my flight itinerary changed. I get to Tulsa a couple of minutes earlier and I leave England a little later, but they moved me to Heathrow. That's annoyed my hugely seeing as Olympic traffic is going to be berserk, even 2-3 weeks before the games. I'm usually quite upbeat about such changes but I'm a little nervous about the changeover. I have just under 2 hours to get to my connecting flight. That isn't so much time to really peg it to the plane whilst checking in and stuff. Should be very fun indeed.
Maybe it's why I want to get fit. I fancy running through Atlanta!
I decided (after quite a few fat jibes) that I'd get out and get fit. Eating healthy, going to the gym and taking better care of myself. I started this on Monday officially and at a starting weight of 15st dead (95kg approx), with the aim being to reduce my body fat and get down to something like 14st by the time I leave Uni. The likeliness of this happening is not particularly high but I'm motivated more than ever to make these positive changes. Although it was adorable when Steven popped up to say that he loves me just the way I am.
True 'awwww' moment that. If you didn't gush, you have no heart!
Me and Steven have been together now for over 9 months. It seemed so far away a few months ago when we were going through a rough patch and seemed so far away when we started dating. 9 months was very much one of those special moments; however due to a living situation on his end, we couldn't spend it the way I envisaged it. When circumstances change, you realise exactly what you took for granted. I assumed I'd see Steven's face every day and I'd hear his voice when I could. I didn't fully take it for granted but I know that I didn't visibly show much I appreciated the time I got to spend with him. Now I barely get any time with him until possibly late May/early June. It's going to be a damn hard couple of weeks.
I've never doubted for a second I'd get to see him for real. Under 11 weeks. I will.
This week marks the start of the most intense period at university this year. The final term. 8 lecture weeks, 9 assignments and a hell of a time at placement to come. I thrive under a little bit of pressure but knowing that, come the end of it all, it'll be just 2 and a half weeks until I find myself flying. I got a huge confidence boost today as I got re-elected StAR Rep for my group. Knowing that people have this much faith in me to serve them is something I never got in Essex. So, I get the chance again that I never had at home. I get to shine, be independent and make people proud of me. I get the chance that I wanted but never got. And I feel as high as a kite for knowing that people believe in me!
Placement tomorrow though. I'm grounded. Temporarily. :)
Monday, 16 January 2012
177 Days To Go
After the first day of a block placement entangled with pure joy and pure tiredness, I can easily say that I really want to be a primary school teacher with my own classroom, my own class, my own TA and my own wage. This startling conclusion came, not in the classroom setting, but in my own abode. Cleaning my room from an organisational pigsty to something cleaner than the Pope's underwear. My room looked dirtier than a priests' CRB check but after battling the fiendish monster, I feel more organised and prepared than ever to live a life.
And all because I can see the original dead spiders. Ah, bless.
Having rattled out a pretty intense first day on placement (I led some kids in an investigation about science and sat in a 90 minute planning meeting), I came home and went STRAIGHT to Skype. An instant beeline to the laptop to talk with my BF. But... I could only spend 20 minutes with him. For the rest of the time I would be talking to him would then be taken up with dinner, chores, planning, organisation and a private matter. And I truly felt awful, because I vowed to him that I would spend as much time as I could with him, even if it meant putting everything else on hold. I was so glad he was so understanding, but he knows how much I am hurting from not being able to contact him as much today. It got me proper down.
I'll do anything for a job at the end of it, but only one where I can talk to him for a while in between...
I reckon I'll average getting about 4 hours sleep a night for this placement. Whilst I'm still reeling from the fact that I'm going on holiday, my head still isn't fully clear yet. I celebrated 6 months, I turned 19 and I'm teaching my first lesson in under 9 days. With all these big events happening so suddenly, I'm scared of overloading. And with the lack of sleep, I'm really scared that, come weekends... I might not wake up to blog...
It's like a slightly more believable version of 'Saw'. This will be your worst nightmare.
And all because I can see the original dead spiders. Ah, bless.
Having rattled out a pretty intense first day on placement (I led some kids in an investigation about science and sat in a 90 minute planning meeting), I came home and went STRAIGHT to Skype. An instant beeline to the laptop to talk with my BF. But... I could only spend 20 minutes with him. For the rest of the time I would be talking to him would then be taken up with dinner, chores, planning, organisation and a private matter. And I truly felt awful, because I vowed to him that I would spend as much time as I could with him, even if it meant putting everything else on hold. I was so glad he was so understanding, but he knows how much I am hurting from not being able to contact him as much today. It got me proper down.
I'll do anything for a job at the end of it, but only one where I can talk to him for a while in between...
I reckon I'll average getting about 4 hours sleep a night for this placement. Whilst I'm still reeling from the fact that I'm going on holiday, my head still isn't fully clear yet. I celebrated 6 months, I turned 19 and I'm teaching my first lesson in under 9 days. With all these big events happening so suddenly, I'm scared of overloading. And with the lack of sleep, I'm really scared that, come weekends... I might not wake up to blog...
It's like a slightly more believable version of 'Saw'. This will be your worst nightmare.
Saturday, 14 January 2012
179 Days To Go: Part 1
So, having downloaded Blogger for my iPhone, I very quickly realise something. You get on a roll with a keyboard, not so much on a touchpad...
Got a massive smile on my face today. My parents birthday present came a little early and, after a little bit of accountancy (I can't call what I did 'maths' because I actually enjoyed it), I can see that my summer is going to be awesome. With a capital 'f***ing'. That's not to be misconstrued as my holiday being some sort of jerk(off)fest, but just my first ever holiday that I planned, (mostly) financed and went on, all on my own. It seems that growing up does have some sort of benefit. Then again, so does eating chocolate and bacon apparently.
So I'm fat AND responsible. So long as I'm not a twig and shoving my head down the toilet, I can take fat geek jokes.
This, rather boring, Saturday also gave me the time to rip a couple of CDs for my mates (of which some of those songs are in my all time favourites) and install Unreal Tournament 2004. Now, I don't know how many of you who read my blogs are FPS fans... I'm not a huge one myself. But there is something about shooting the rear end off a robot that I find both hysterical and entertaining. So for those who think COD is too elite, Battlefield is too s***e and think Doom expired when they changed the name of Marathon bars to Snickers, then Unreal is your game.
Although having said that, I had the difficulty setting on 'Novice'. I like to ease into what I like. Hehe.
On, possibly the slowest day of my life, I ended up getting the most washing up done I've ever seen. Not only this, but I got my printing done AND decided on what I'm going to get with some leftover money. If that isn't enough, I only recently made the discovery of fresh air. Which tells me one thing. I was a geek at home and even then, got MORE fresh air then at university, where I'm supposedly going out, having drinks and walking to placement.
And it's going to cost kids £12k a year now to do that. Just stick some trance on and play a game at home. You are the future of Britain.
Got a massive smile on my face today. My parents birthday present came a little early and, after a little bit of accountancy (I can't call what I did 'maths' because I actually enjoyed it), I can see that my summer is going to be awesome. With a capital 'f***ing'. That's not to be misconstrued as my holiday being some sort of jerk(off)fest, but just my first ever holiday that I planned, (mostly) financed and went on, all on my own. It seems that growing up does have some sort of benefit. Then again, so does eating chocolate and bacon apparently.
So I'm fat AND responsible. So long as I'm not a twig and shoving my head down the toilet, I can take fat geek jokes.
This, rather boring, Saturday also gave me the time to rip a couple of CDs for my mates (of which some of those songs are in my all time favourites) and install Unreal Tournament 2004. Now, I don't know how many of you who read my blogs are FPS fans... I'm not a huge one myself. But there is something about shooting the rear end off a robot that I find both hysterical and entertaining. So for those who think COD is too elite, Battlefield is too s***e and think Doom expired when they changed the name of Marathon bars to Snickers, then Unreal is your game.
Although having said that, I had the difficulty setting on 'Novice'. I like to ease into what I like. Hehe.
On, possibly the slowest day of my life, I ended up getting the most washing up done I've ever seen. Not only this, but I got my printing done AND decided on what I'm going to get with some leftover money. If that isn't enough, I only recently made the discovery of fresh air. Which tells me one thing. I was a geek at home and even then, got MORE fresh air then at university, where I'm supposedly going out, having drinks and walking to placement.
And it's going to cost kids £12k a year now to do that. Just stick some trance on and play a game at home. You are the future of Britain.
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