276 Days To Go - 9th July 2013

So, after the most perfect 6 weeks and a day I could ever have imagined, I have finalised the day where I want to repeat the greatest summer of all time. Tuesday 9th July, 2013. That's a whole 39 and a bit weeks away, which means I'm in absolute agony that it isn't anytime soon. But they always stated that good things come to those who wait. That summer out in Tulsa: I had some of the greatest moments in my young life happen. I met the greatest man, I smiled straight for 6 weeks and, minus a hiccup early on the first Saturday I was there, we both spent each day holding hands, hugging and sharing lives together.

But one thing I must describe to you was that first moment that we saw each other. I had already walked the best part of a quarter of a mile out of the gate where my plane was, looking for arrivals at Tulsa airport. Finally, I saw a busted revolving door with the bollard sign of 'arrivals, this way' on it. Next to it was a lone door with opaque glass. Beyond that glass, beyond that door, was Steven. I took a deep breath and walked through. I was the last off the plane but one of the first through as others had stopped to phone loved ones. How I would have loved that familiarity to do that. But I walked through that door, head up looking. And there he was, Steven. As soon as I looked up I met his glance and instantly broke it, looking down at my shoes and thinking 'I've done it'. I had to take a deep breath to get rid of the smirk on my face and to relax my beating-ever-faster heart. I walked a little faster towards him and, in no time, we shared our first contact. The biggest, hardest hug I've ever had. He whispered 'welcome' to me as we embraced and we let go. I said 'wow, I can't believe it'.

I couldn't believe that, after saying it for so long, I was actually in the presence of perfection.

I won't go into details about the trip as, for the most part, Steven was at work and I was at home. I'll skip right to the end. Departure day arrived and I hated every second of it. I think my family might have underestimated how much I truly did hate it. I cried for the most part of the day and we shared our last goodbye. Unfortunately, we could not negotiate parking at Tulsa so I had to go to the red drop off area, which has a 3 minute limit. We hugged, we cried, we kissed. We never wanted to let go. Finally, he got into the car and rolled down the window. We held hands through the window and, finally, we let go and I let him drive off. That was the most painful thing I've ever had to do. I felt rotten and the journey home was so horrid. Got back to Heathrow and had to go to the bathroom several times before going through customs to get rid of the red eyes. Met my mum and Helen at the arrivals gate but, secretly, all I wanted was to see Steven once again, waiting for me. All I wanted to do was cry and cry and cry but I was told to stop it because it would 'make me feel better'. Not sure about that one.

Especially as, at that point, I wouldn't be with the one I love for just under 11 months. </3

Right now, me and Steven are on a break. Since we got back, it's been a horrid re-evaluation of what we currently have. We had the whole thing and loved every minute, we can't have it for a long while yet. Understandably, that's going to cause a lot of tension. When I say 'break', we aren't physically using voices but we can still FB and text chat. We got into a culture of getting into arguments as, naturally, we are both stubborn. More recently, I've been a lot more vocal due to the confidence I gained whilst being out there. But that's conflicted badly with our personalities so I've got to learn to know when to voice myself and how to do it right, because I've only failed thus far. If he decides to see other people (which, as a disclaimer, he said he wouldn't dare do), I'd understand. But I'll never look for anyone else but him in my life. And whilst we might be experiencing trouble, I have July 9th in my sights. It's still 276 days away.

But it's still 4600 miles away. We've conquered it once. And we want to conquer it again.

And we will, that I have no doubt.

1 Day To Go

It's just the tiniest bit unbelievable that I find myself blogging right now. I genuinely expected that I would have crumbled into a sense of self-loathing and not wanted to be around anyone. Instead, I've counselled a counsellor, been liked more than Murray's tears and had so many well wishes that, to the naked eye, it would look like I've suffered a bereavement, what with the congregation of smiles and positive thinking! I cannot truly express how happy everyone has made me feel today; Steven included. I've had texts, FB messages and likes coming out of every orifice imaginable. Truly, to everyone who has wished me well, thank you so much. Your kind gestures of friendship have been so warm and welcoming that I don't think I'd be so calm right now if it truly wasn't for you guys and gals! Only a few days ago I had a message out of the blue from someone who I haven't spoken with in 5 years. He wished me luck. He took time out of his day to wish me luck and we haven't spoken in yonks. That's the measure of how big this is and just how much it means to everyone else.

I'm travelling the world for love. Finally, everyone's starting to see this in my way.

There is one thing that has been prevalent throughout this day: people keep saying I'm brave. Not that I disagree with that label, but it's something I've never really been called before. It put everything into a new light for me. I am travelling 4600 miles into states I've never entered, into airports I've never been and an apartment I've only seen through the lens of a camera. And for what? A shot at love. A chance to be with someone I want to share my life with. Through the doubters, the haters and those who just didn't understand,  I finally am within 24 hours of another country and another life. For the first time, I could genuinely feel such an elation run through my body when I realised that I'd made it through a whole year at university, passed it and got to the point where I get to spend 6 of the greatest weeks of my life with, hopefully, the greatest guy in my life.

Who'd travel that far for love? Only a lovestruck man would.

So that's it. My next blog post will be from Tulsa, Oklahoma. I'll keep you regularly updated here and on Facebook.  Just think, the next time you'll see a blog post from me, I would have met Steven, possibly spent the night and woken up in Tulsa the happiest guy in the land.

Till tomorrow. I love you Steven. :)

<3

104 Days To Go

Just under 15 weeks to go now and, once again, comes the end of another term where development was key but stability was everything. This was the longest term out of the three and, if there was a term to go wrong, this would be the one. Block placement, 4 assignments (ended up being 5 for me due to the fail in Maths) and long periods away from home put a hell of a lot of strain on me. It showed throughout various points during the start of 2012: breaking down in the toilets at placement, breaking down in front of Steven and breaking down in front of friends and family.

You'd think I would have taken out breakdown cover. Amirite?

It's slightly scary how fast time is flying really. Well, it's scary in the same way getting a dog is scary. You absolutely cannot wait to get it (to be honest, this metaphor only works if you like dogs and want one. Otherwise, close your eyes, hum a tune and let me have my moment) but the responsibility of having it means things will change in your life. When I'm home and it hits 14 weeks to go, we are in double digits for days to go (98. SPOILER ALERT!) and it feels fantastic! Knowing that the next 8 weeks after that will be absolute hell on Earth with University, it's nice to know that I'll have a distraction to take me through to moving out and then the USA.

10/1 that I end the year with a grey hair. I've placed a bet. Join me?

I swear that I'm going through some very weird phase. I don't know what I'm doing, but I'm starting to feel a bit more 'attractive'. It stemmed from a trip to the River Bank yesterday with Tisha and we took a camera. In hindsight, best decision since they released Vanilla Coke. We took loads of photos and some looked halfway decent and then FLASH! That one photo that, literally, brought a tear to my eye. It's my profile pic on FB, I'm heads over heels happy with it and I hope you like it too. Then I went home and talked to Steven and tried on my bar-staffing uniform for a party on Saturday. Steven's reaction was... a different form of happiness I've ever seen. It made me feel amazing to know he liked it so much, but there's something he needs to remember.

It doesn't how much (or how little) or what he wears. He still looks amazing to me. :)

179 Days To Go: Part 2

Last blog as an 18 year old. Would have been more significant if I had been blogging since I turned 18. Alas, a blogger party and present is in order. Who wants to spread this blog?

I had a message this morning from an old friend. Haven't spoken to him in years and he set a status a few days ago slamming bloggers turning FB into a blogging site. Yet he came round and said he liked the blog and wished me luck with it. It meant quite a lot, seeing as (when we used to talk and associate) we always ribbed each other and had a banter-ish friendship which wasn't that close. I'm not saying we used to punch each other playfully, but it's nice that, since I left Essex for university, everyone else seems to be less banter and more canter with their lives and conversations.

It felt good to have that message. It felt better to see he hadn't unadded me. I'm a very lonely person by trade.

Just got out of the shower for the last time as an 18 year old as well. As I see it, it's the last time I can enjoy a shower for leisure purposes. Now I'm older, showers are for getting rid of the old man smell, creating the early onset of wrinkles and for bleeding the life insurance companies clean (2000 shower deaths a year can't be wrong!). Since Worcester got the hot water permanently working, I haven't been able to stop touching my wet self (dirty, huh? You twitched a little, I saw it), it's such a relief to create steam.

If I didn't turn you gay, I definitely turned you Christian.

I must make an apology to Sharon. I seriously can't read and I called you 'vain' instead of playing a fun word game. In this world of miscommunication, purple monkey dishwasher Sean Kingston butterfinger leather wallet. And I am sorry.

A pint on me if you can spot the Simpsons reference.

45 MINUTES TILL MY 19TH BIRTHDAY!!!!! :D