Saturday, 30 June 2012

10 Days To Go

Apologies for not blogging yesterday. Way too much happened to even put my mind to an update there and then. So here it goes, 24 hours on.

I was scared of carnage yesterday. I had a friend over (Zoe) and she's training to read people's minds (or a psychology course, I'm not sure which.). Basically, I haven't seen her in yonks and it was supposed to be a nice little catch up over a drink and a laugh. But she reads these blogs and she wanted to get down to the bottom of why I've been very much not myself. She discovered it pretty fast and gave me some direction to go in (because it was lacking very badly). I just wanted some small things for myself. I kept on putting others first and didn't look at my own wants and getting them through. It sounds selfish, but a relationship should be equal and I didn't feel I was in one. I put my case to Steven and I told him how strongly I felt that, just some more, he is a little more expressive in himself and how he feels about me. If someone you care about so much doesn't tell you the things that they supposedly think of you, how are you to believe they still do feel them? It was a really stressful and upsetting day and, for the 5th day straight, I couldn't hold myself together long enough to not cry. I know I'm an emotional person but I'm not by any means a walkover. I really just wanted a boyfriend who could emote like I know he could but chose not to.

And I think I broke through. I think...

Because today, I woke up to a load of Kik messages and (you'll gasp at this, I know it) a FB wall post. If you didn't gasp, you do not know me, Steven or anything. That is exactly what I wanted from him, just a public show of affection. I thought he never was going to do it, I was scared I was never publicly going to be anything to him but David. He said caring things about me on Kik, he actually became a Steven that I've never seen but always wanted to see. For the first time in what seems like forever, he was happy. I've literally just got off Skype with him and he smiled! He sounded happy! I am just so glad that things seem back on track to succeed when I'm out there. I cannot thank Steven enough for him wanting to do some little things that I like. I love you Steven :) xxx

And Zoe, you are a miracle worker. Without you, I'd never push myself. Thank you babe :) x

10 days. This is the last day that it'll be a double digit countdown for an awful long time. I've suddenly found an air of confidence in myself and my belief that this will all work out. I was scared that, yesterday, I wasn't going to be welcomed into Tulsa. I was going to be rejected and left. Instead, I still believe we can share that most romantic of thoughts. The one where, after a year of waiting, of fights and arguments and love and tension, I finally walk through the arrivals gate at Tulsa International. I look around and my eyes meet with this man. No pixels, no static connection. It's live. My eyes meet with this amazingly good looking guy and we walk up to each other. We're nervous but we're excited. Finally, it all ends. The waiting ends and we have that first embrace. That first moment, that first bond. We hold each other and can't believe that we made it this far. The sky wasn't the limit, we're higher than that in the moment. We are finally, all of a sudden, together. And that will be the single greatest feeling I will ever experience.

50 Shades of Grey, eat your heart out. Who says men can't do romance?

10 days. I love you Steven. :)


Thursday, 28 June 2012

12 Days To Go

I don't want to exaggerate things, but I am a scared man. I was up till half 3 last night, distraught over the supposed idea that, whilst out there, Steven might not be spending all the time with me. He might want to spend it with friends. That doesn't hack me off so much as the connotation that he'd rather spend time with them than me. It's not a big deal, really, he kept on saying. And it isn't, but I know I'm feeling the pressure of going over a thousand times more than he is with having me over. Every little thing I say, I over-analyse and every little thing he says, I review to death. It's only because I want a perfectly happy boyfriend. I have many insecurities I know, but to me he's perfect and I'm horribly flawed. The fear runs deeper than just being cast aside (because I've felt like that for months), it's going out there to be judged and found wanting. Found to not be the person he thinks I am.

This is all too much of a gamble to be taken lightly. To be taken at all...

I'm sitting in a house that's absolutely baking. The temp has got beyond 30C several times today, but the humidity is killer. I'm still (technically) resting my foot even though it seems to be 99% healed. So I'm stewing. To give you an indicator of things, it was 30C at about 11am today here. I got to bed at 3:45am last night, it was 21C then. It barely changed thanks to the humidity. I've already felt totally uncomfortable today, but now, physically, I feel weaker than a wet sock. I know I'm travelling out to a country that loves pushing 35C in the summer, but that's a holiday. I have the mindset that it's going to be hot. I don't like it that a country famous for shit summers decides to pull out an Ibiza-in-a-day weather pattern.

Next thing you know we'll all be drinking Sangria off donkeys.

It's 12 days to go and I feel like I'm digging a bigger hole, which I can't stop digging and I can't escape from. When you know you won't truly get what you want, ever, there's a period of acceptance that should happen. You re-adjust your goals and wants and aim for them. I just cannot accept that I truly won't actually get my idea of love, whilst at the same time giving someone theirs and so much more. And in no way is it his fault, this mine. I'm to blame for the hurt and pain that's caused. I'm just too scared to ask for two main reasons: first it will be rejected and that fear of rejection is nearly as bad as him not wanting to talk to me. The other is that I can't anything more of him. I've ruined conversations and days more often than I have fingers, how dare I want anything from him: when the only thing I seem to be these days is tears and emotion? I'm not fun anymore, I'm not happy anymore.

It hurts more when he says it though.

12 days. I love you Steven. I'm so sorry. ;'(


Wednesday, 27 June 2012

13 Days To Go

I seem to have a terrible habit lately. The one thing I truly want, it never seems to happen if I look for it to happen. The lessons I've learnt from previous relationships, to me, have shaped the success on my end for this current one working: I never struck up a healthy balance between distance, affection, romance and blame. It seems like, however, I'm to blame for many things going wrong recently. It is my fault though, I focus too much on something that should come naturally, like breathing. You should be able to make your other half smile, laugh and enjoy the time they spend with you. I've given him none of the four aforementioned things. Therefore, I haven't given him any of what I should. With it being so close to going out there, I need to find some way of making myself happy so I can make him happy.

He only smiles when I smile. I've had people say I'm vain but I didn't want a mirror this time...

I woke up in somewhat of a cold sweat last night. About 4am I woke up, incredibly upset. I was upset that evening (when your BF says he doesn't want to talk to you, you know you've done wrong) and couldn't for the life of me understand why my heart was beating so fast. I didn't have a bad dream, I had realised something terrible. I picked up where I had left off. When I went to bed, I was still major upset. I worked myself up so bad that I fell asleep crying in my bed. When I woke up, I carried on. I really hurt someone I care very deeply about and I haven't shown him how much he means to me. I'll be the first to admit I'm no expert on relationships, but even I have to look back at how I've acted and I'd kick my ass.

Which is no mean feat to do, especially without dislocating your ankle.

I'm a fan of affection. I 'aww' in the street if I see it happen. A hug from a long-time-no-see friend, a kiss off a grandfather to his grandkids. I don't baulk at the sight of seeing a couple embrace, brothers and sisters hold hands, an elderly couple taking a slow walk or even an 'ILY' message on Facebook. I had my ideas on what I expected romance to be like and I had my ideas about how much of it was realistic in this relationship. I know I was never going to hold his hand in public, hug him or kiss him in the street. Hell, I bet I'd be called 'queer' if I walked any closer than 5 paces in front. I just wish any of my expectations had come true. I haven't had what I want and I daren't say what I want in case it's a step too far for him. I just wish, apart from me spreading the word, for once I could be the recipient of something big. And it can be as small as this font.

Fun fact: Tulsa bans kissing in public being longer than 3 minutes. You'd need a smaller unit of measurement for LBGT couples I bet.

13 days. I love you Steven. I'm sorry. <3

Tuesday, 26 June 2012

14 Days To Go

2 measly little weeks until I board a plane to destiny. So cheesy yet profound. It's hard to think back all those months ago to when I bought the ticket. To when I bought the ESTA. To when I bought the travel insurance. All those months wishing that time would speed up. I can truly say now that I didn't appreciate the time I had. I had time to prepare for what lay ahead and I didn't. I had time to adjust my attitudes and feelings and I didn't. I instead blinded myself with exaggerations of excitement, fronting a rather more scared and frightened child. I'm 19, and I felt 5. I still feel 5, I feel really vulnerable.

Not so much that I need a dummy.

I injured my foot (somehow) on Monday morning, meaning I've had to use crutches to get around. Today I had an 'alumni' thing at my old secondary school and I completely ballsed up my speech. I felt horrid. I talked about random stuff that had no meaning and not about the course or anything. I felt like a complete reject. I had Mel to help me there (a friendly face out of many) and I realised just how thankful I was that I still kept in contact with old friends. She isn't old in herself, but her friendship goes back a few years. I would have killed as a student to have the opportunity we gave those kids today.

Shame they didn't look like they wanted it.

I find that, with so little time to go now, I'm getting far too panicky. I shouldn't read so deeply into actions. I'm so insecure in myself and I'm so sure about Steven being the right one that I make all the mistakes. If he forgets to do something, it's my fault. I shouldn't just jump in at the worst possibility. But I fear I've realised this too late. I have a terrible habit of hurting the ones I love because I jump to the wrong conclusions. I panic, I worry and that is me, that is my nature. But I should be able to change if it doesn't benefit the greater good (in any case, the greater good would be Steven's happiness over anything else). All I want in life is for Steven to have a smile on his face, and more often than not recently, I've not given that to him. He deserves someone who does give it to him.

He's doing humanity a favour by picking me up. Shake his hand if you meet him.

14 days. I love you Steven. I'm so sorry. <3

Monday, 25 June 2012

15 Days To Go: Countdown Begins

Sorry for the lack of updates. Those who follow on Facebook know that University stress and placements don't mix. Much like whiskey and beer and coke. More on that later.

So the first year of university is completed. A sad time as I'm leaving a lot of good memories behind but I don;t think I could have continued on much longer at the pace we were going. My flatmates were amazing the last few days, they were so composed and I know if any of them had been an emotional wreck before Thursday just gone, I would have been in tears. Those people (Tish, Alex and James) will always hold a special place in my heart for many years to come. They watched me grow and I watched them watch me. Sounds almost perverse but let's not forget that what was said and done in that flat stays there. I'll truly miss their little foibles and, to psychologies it a bit, I think that's what I'll miss most when I move into my new house.

Avon Flat 2 forever. The flat karaoke, I'll miss that too. <3

Had my final bit of placement and a residential. Here's a tip to those who don't have kids: wait until the government makes leashes legal. The worry about losing kids was almost too much on some occasions. But I got to teach them everyday whilst in school, which was so valuable in my development. And 3 'outstandings' out of 3 isn't half bad ain't it? Going to London with them was such a welcome distraction from University's last few breaths of the academic year and getting to see the kids who only thought I wore a waistcoat and suit out of school was so nice. They were totally different but they loved the experience, as did I.

I'm never planning a school trip though. That would be ridiculous. They can run around on the playground all day for all I care.

Me and Steven have hit more than 11 months together. That's significant as it's the last anniversary before I'm finally out there. Me and him went through some rough patches, but with it being so close to getting out there, I can only see it as the pressure getting there. Only in the last few weeks have we admitted to each other that we're nervous as anything and slightly scared as to how it'll all go down. My worry is I'll turn up at the airport and either he isn't there or he looks and me and think 'oh Christ look at this minger, what the hell have I landed?' . I'm sure his worry is the same thing and it's a crying shame you can't get someone to believe in how good they look. Damn self image problems. But 15 days, I can't begin to tell you how excited I am for the time coming up. It's going to be an intense last few weeks of panicking and excitement.

That's if the airport stop changing my freaking itinerary. As it goes, I might be landing in Alaska!

I also went to go see my friend Liam down in Greenwich again. A fantastic opportunity to let my hair down, game till it's dawn and catch up on all the lewd bits of life that I missed but Liam casually picked up! Although, on a pub crawl through Greenwich, it maybe wasn't wise to order McDonalds on the last leg. And them cockily ask Tom to get me a whiskey to end the night. After the puking stopped I felt glorious, but a little tender. That's another life lesson brought to you by the unfortunate lovechild of Ann Widdecombe and Chewbacca.

That lovechild's name was David. They vowed secrecy. Until now.

15 Days. <3 I love you Steven.