Wednesday, 27 June 2012

13 Days To Go

I seem to have a terrible habit lately. The one thing I truly want, it never seems to happen if I look for it to happen. The lessons I've learnt from previous relationships, to me, have shaped the success on my end for this current one working: I never struck up a healthy balance between distance, affection, romance and blame. It seems like, however, I'm to blame for many things going wrong recently. It is my fault though, I focus too much on something that should come naturally, like breathing. You should be able to make your other half smile, laugh and enjoy the time they spend with you. I've given him none of the four aforementioned things. Therefore, I haven't given him any of what I should. With it being so close to going out there, I need to find some way of making myself happy so I can make him happy.

He only smiles when I smile. I've had people say I'm vain but I didn't want a mirror this time...

I woke up in somewhat of a cold sweat last night. About 4am I woke up, incredibly upset. I was upset that evening (when your BF says he doesn't want to talk to you, you know you've done wrong) and couldn't for the life of me understand why my heart was beating so fast. I didn't have a bad dream, I had realised something terrible. I picked up where I had left off. When I went to bed, I was still major upset. I worked myself up so bad that I fell asleep crying in my bed. When I woke up, I carried on. I really hurt someone I care very deeply about and I haven't shown him how much he means to me. I'll be the first to admit I'm no expert on relationships, but even I have to look back at how I've acted and I'd kick my ass.

Which is no mean feat to do, especially without dislocating your ankle.

I'm a fan of affection. I 'aww' in the street if I see it happen. A hug from a long-time-no-see friend, a kiss off a grandfather to his grandkids. I don't baulk at the sight of seeing a couple embrace, brothers and sisters hold hands, an elderly couple taking a slow walk or even an 'ILY' message on Facebook. I had my ideas on what I expected romance to be like and I had my ideas about how much of it was realistic in this relationship. I know I was never going to hold his hand in public, hug him or kiss him in the street. Hell, I bet I'd be called 'queer' if I walked any closer than 5 paces in front. I just wish any of my expectations had come true. I haven't had what I want and I daren't say what I want in case it's a step too far for him. I just wish, apart from me spreading the word, for once I could be the recipient of something big. And it can be as small as this font.

Fun fact: Tulsa bans kissing in public being longer than 3 minutes. You'd need a smaller unit of measurement for LBGT couples I bet.

13 days. I love you Steven. I'm sorry. <3

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