Sunday, 7 October 2012

276 Days To Go - 9th July 2013

So, after the most perfect 6 weeks and a day I could ever have imagined, I have finalised the day where I want to repeat the greatest summer of all time. Tuesday 9th July, 2013. That's a whole 39 and a bit weeks away, which means I'm in absolute agony that it isn't anytime soon. But they always stated that good things come to those who wait. That summer out in Tulsa: I had some of the greatest moments in my young life happen. I met the greatest man, I smiled straight for 6 weeks and, minus a hiccup early on the first Saturday I was there, we both spent each day holding hands, hugging and sharing lives together.

But one thing I must describe to you was that first moment that we saw each other. I had already walked the best part of a quarter of a mile out of the gate where my plane was, looking for arrivals at Tulsa airport. Finally, I saw a busted revolving door with the bollard sign of 'arrivals, this way' on it. Next to it was a lone door with opaque glass. Beyond that glass, beyond that door, was Steven. I took a deep breath and walked through. I was the last off the plane but one of the first through as others had stopped to phone loved ones. How I would have loved that familiarity to do that. But I walked through that door, head up looking. And there he was, Steven. As soon as I looked up I met his glance and instantly broke it, looking down at my shoes and thinking 'I've done it'. I had to take a deep breath to get rid of the smirk on my face and to relax my beating-ever-faster heart. I walked a little faster towards him and, in no time, we shared our first contact. The biggest, hardest hug I've ever had. He whispered 'welcome' to me as we embraced and we let go. I said 'wow, I can't believe it'.

I couldn't believe that, after saying it for so long, I was actually in the presence of perfection.

I won't go into details about the trip as, for the most part, Steven was at work and I was at home. I'll skip right to the end. Departure day arrived and I hated every second of it. I think my family might have underestimated how much I truly did hate it. I cried for the most part of the day and we shared our last goodbye. Unfortunately, we could not negotiate parking at Tulsa so I had to go to the red drop off area, which has a 3 minute limit. We hugged, we cried, we kissed. We never wanted to let go. Finally, he got into the car and rolled down the window. We held hands through the window and, finally, we let go and I let him drive off. That was the most painful thing I've ever had to do. I felt rotten and the journey home was so horrid. Got back to Heathrow and had to go to the bathroom several times before going through customs to get rid of the red eyes. Met my mum and Helen at the arrivals gate but, secretly, all I wanted was to see Steven once again, waiting for me. All I wanted to do was cry and cry and cry but I was told to stop it because it would 'make me feel better'. Not sure about that one.

Especially as, at that point, I wouldn't be with the one I love for just under 11 months. </3

Right now, me and Steven are on a break. Since we got back, it's been a horrid re-evaluation of what we currently have. We had the whole thing and loved every minute, we can't have it for a long while yet. Understandably, that's going to cause a lot of tension. When I say 'break', we aren't physically using voices but we can still FB and text chat. We got into a culture of getting into arguments as, naturally, we are both stubborn. More recently, I've been a lot more vocal due to the confidence I gained whilst being out there. But that's conflicted badly with our personalities so I've got to learn to know when to voice myself and how to do it right, because I've only failed thus far. If he decides to see other people (which, as a disclaimer, he said he wouldn't dare do), I'd understand. But I'll never look for anyone else but him in my life. And whilst we might be experiencing trouble, I have July 9th in my sights. It's still 276 days away.

But it's still 4600 miles away. We've conquered it once. And we want to conquer it again.

And we will, that I have no doubt.

Wednesday, 11 July 2012

In Tulsa: Day 1 - Wednesday 11th July

Hi all. I would go on with a long post about the flight, the meeting and the first encounters, but me and Steven thought what might make a better blog post is just one simple photo.

The first of us :)

Monday, 9 July 2012

1 Day To Go

It's just the tiniest bit unbelievable that I find myself blogging right now. I genuinely expected that I would have crumbled into a sense of self-loathing and not wanted to be around anyone. Instead, I've counselled a counsellor, been liked more than Murray's tears and had so many well wishes that, to the naked eye, it would look like I've suffered a bereavement, what with the congregation of smiles and positive thinking! I cannot truly express how happy everyone has made me feel today; Steven included. I've had texts, FB messages and likes coming out of every orifice imaginable. Truly, to everyone who has wished me well, thank you so much. Your kind gestures of friendship have been so warm and welcoming that I don't think I'd be so calm right now if it truly wasn't for you guys and gals! Only a few days ago I had a message out of the blue from someone who I haven't spoken with in 5 years. He wished me luck. He took time out of his day to wish me luck and we haven't spoken in yonks. That's the measure of how big this is and just how much it means to everyone else.

I'm travelling the world for love. Finally, everyone's starting to see this in my way.

There is one thing that has been prevalent throughout this day: people keep saying I'm brave. Not that I disagree with that label, but it's something I've never really been called before. It put everything into a new light for me. I am travelling 4600 miles into states I've never entered, into airports I've never been and an apartment I've only seen through the lens of a camera. And for what? A shot at love. A chance to be with someone I want to share my life with. Through the doubters, the haters and those who just didn't understand,  I finally am within 24 hours of another country and another life. For the first time, I could genuinely feel such an elation run through my body when I realised that I'd made it through a whole year at university, passed it and got to the point where I get to spend 6 of the greatest weeks of my life with, hopefully, the greatest guy in my life.

Who'd travel that far for love? Only a lovestruck man would.

So that's it. My next blog post will be from Tulsa, Oklahoma. I'll keep you regularly updated here and on Facebook.  Just think, the next time you'll see a blog post from me, I would have met Steven, possibly spent the night and woken up in Tulsa the happiest guy in the land.

Till tomorrow. I love you Steven. :)


Saturday, 7 July 2012

3 Days To Go

Instead of a blog where I rant, I wanted to publish something I sent to Steven a short while ago. At the time of writing, he hasn't responded, but he is at work.

I've been panicking all day and I confessed that I was incredibly scared of what was about to happen, to which Steven said that he'd understand if I didn't fly on Tuesday.

I'm posting my response to that comment.

The sense of what is coming up for us is really impacting now. Being far away without family to turn to, financial burdens: it's all so much to handle calmly and consistently.

But these are words that will be spoken and never harbour any falsities. I would never pass up a chance to meet the love of my life and you, Steven Mayo, are the love of my life. I wouldn't dare regret what has the potential to be the greatest times in my life with you.

Yes, the panic will get worse and on Monday I'll be immobile through sheer panic. But know that the reason I am doing it is fear of failure: that I won't be what you like. I am going there as your boyfriend and your lifepartner. I, so badly, want this to work for the both of us to know that our lives are better for knowing each other.

But I'll never leave you. And whilst in Heathrow, Atlanta and the Tulsa gates I'll be the most nervous, emotional person in the world, I can guarantee you that seeing your face will instantly do justice to a year of waiting, a month of panic and, hopefully, many more happy years of being together.

I love you Steven, never doubt that in this life or the next. You are my lifepartner, my soulmate and the person that I want to spend my life with. This opportunity that presents itself is one that scares me to the back bones but it's an opportunity to be with the greatest guy in my life.

That is worth any price.

I love you Steven :) xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

3 Days To Go


Thursday, 5 July 2012

5 Days To Go

And now there is a huge air of excitement running through me at every point. It's nearly the end of the week and what lies ahead is a hugely busy weekend. Strangely though, none of it involves the holiday. Which means several things. It means my mind will be elsewhere and it means it'll be occupied. But the greatest thing is that time will absolutely fly. On my end, I've relaxed at exactly the right time. There was huge tension towards the end of last week and massive indecision flying around. To me, that was my mind and my body telling me that it was realising just what a huge risk this is and how much it might come back to bite me on the ass. I'm not a risk taker, I wouldn't do something unless I know it's going to go smoothly. Which is why me travelling 4600 miles is the biggest risk I've ever taken and, probably, will ever take in life.

Somehow, I might not be feeling so bad if I was choosing between red and black. Someone take me to a casino!

It's only 5 days now. Closer to 4 really since it's 50 minutes to a new day (at the time of writing that) and it inches closer. I wish I didn't express myself as much sometimes (or at least not be good at it) because there's a level; of expectation that you'll get it back. Whilst you say you don't expect something from someone, there will always be a base level of which you expect a response. I know Steven doesn't emote, so of course, he's never going to show to anyone, let alone me, that he'd be nervous. Neither would he admit to being scared at the prospect of me coming over (maybe as, in terms of legwork, I'm doing the heavy travelling) or any other prospect for that matter. But he knows I'm scared and he knows that I'll always be nervous about this. So many people have offered their ears as a source of relief and aid and it's so gratifying to know that so many people really do care for my well-being for that to happen.

And from what it seems, if it goes wrong, Steven has some very angry Brits to deal with. Hot tea anyone?

I found out today how much of a bitch university is when you are away from it. I received my second set of Professional Studies results (Reflective Essay - D+) and a new reading list for English. I had just, this week, finally settled at home and got any inclination of hard work out of my system. See, for the last few weeks, I've felt like I've needed to work. Surely, I can't just sit on my arse and relax (unless you are doing a sports course, embrace the hate guys and gals!), I haven't been able to do that for a whole year and now I'm expected to switch off? I can't do that. I've never been able to switch off, it's why it takes me years to get off to sleep. There's no way I'm switching off on the night going into the 10th and I can guarantee you that my mind won't be off work until I know I'm in university next year.

Worcester can shove it. Stress when it isn't needed. Disgraceful.

5 Days To Go. I Love You Steven. :)


Monday, 2 July 2012

8 Days To Go

Not that much really happened yesterday, so blogging would have been a bit redundant. Plus I guess you don't want a page full of crap (you all have news feeds for that), so I figured I'd wait until today to blog.

So today I got my money. I withdrew what I needed and came back with under $300. That isn't so much a worry but I know it means I'm going to have to play it tight when I get out there, knowing it's 6 weeks worth ($50 a week, that is going to be hard to stick to) but I'm sure I'll manage. I also managed to reserve my seats on the flights as well, which is proper amazing! I got a window seat on one of them (oddly enough, it's the Atlanta to Tulsa flight so I'll be able to see everything) and the rest I get to be the really annoying single passenger (sitting middle middle, meaning I'm central, symmetrical trouble!) who uses his elbows too much when he eats.

I'm growing little devil horns to mark such a brilliant occasion!

Me and Steven have had our little up and down days recently but I think everything is just getting to me in a big way. This is one huge transition, I've never really 'dated' anyone and I've never stayed in another country on my own, that's for sure. I am scared, I can't lie. I am a very scared person and I do worry. Deep down, it's because I guess I just expect to be worse off in every situation, hence I do what I can to help others. I don't want to feel like I'm in a position where I can be abused or hurt; and whilst this opportunity I have can swing either way on it, I want to try my hardest to please everyone on it. I've been going on about this trip for so long that I can't really turn round and say it failed because of my shortcomings.

I don't want to fail again. I've done it enough time in life.

So tomorrow begins the longest week. When I get to the 10th, I bet I'll turn round and say it went so fast and I wish I had more time. All year I've wished time to fly and it did. I don't fully regret it, but I regret the means in which I did it. My first year should have been care free, adventurous and tipsy. OK, maybe not the last one, but I think that, on reflection, I could have come out a few more times. I could have expressed myself much better in certain situations. I could have been more of a friend to my flatmates and I certainly wouldn't let go of people who drifted away. Saying that, all those things led me to where I am now and that, my friends, can't have been all a bad thing.

God bless the broken road, that led me straight, to you. Rascal Flatts.

8 Days To Go. I Love You Steven.


Saturday, 30 June 2012

10 Days To Go

Apologies for not blogging yesterday. Way too much happened to even put my mind to an update there and then. So here it goes, 24 hours on.

I was scared of carnage yesterday. I had a friend over (Zoe) and she's training to read people's minds (or a psychology course, I'm not sure which.). Basically, I haven't seen her in yonks and it was supposed to be a nice little catch up over a drink and a laugh. But she reads these blogs and she wanted to get down to the bottom of why I've been very much not myself. She discovered it pretty fast and gave me some direction to go in (because it was lacking very badly). I just wanted some small things for myself. I kept on putting others first and didn't look at my own wants and getting them through. It sounds selfish, but a relationship should be equal and I didn't feel I was in one. I put my case to Steven and I told him how strongly I felt that, just some more, he is a little more expressive in himself and how he feels about me. If someone you care about so much doesn't tell you the things that they supposedly think of you, how are you to believe they still do feel them? It was a really stressful and upsetting day and, for the 5th day straight, I couldn't hold myself together long enough to not cry. I know I'm an emotional person but I'm not by any means a walkover. I really just wanted a boyfriend who could emote like I know he could but chose not to.

And I think I broke through. I think...

Because today, I woke up to a load of Kik messages and (you'll gasp at this, I know it) a FB wall post. If you didn't gasp, you do not know me, Steven or anything. That is exactly what I wanted from him, just a public show of affection. I thought he never was going to do it, I was scared I was never publicly going to be anything to him but David. He said caring things about me on Kik, he actually became a Steven that I've never seen but always wanted to see. For the first time in what seems like forever, he was happy. I've literally just got off Skype with him and he smiled! He sounded happy! I am just so glad that things seem back on track to succeed when I'm out there. I cannot thank Steven enough for him wanting to do some little things that I like. I love you Steven :) xxx

And Zoe, you are a miracle worker. Without you, I'd never push myself. Thank you babe :) x

10 days. This is the last day that it'll be a double digit countdown for an awful long time. I've suddenly found an air of confidence in myself and my belief that this will all work out. I was scared that, yesterday, I wasn't going to be welcomed into Tulsa. I was going to be rejected and left. Instead, I still believe we can share that most romantic of thoughts. The one where, after a year of waiting, of fights and arguments and love and tension, I finally walk through the arrivals gate at Tulsa International. I look around and my eyes meet with this man. No pixels, no static connection. It's live. My eyes meet with this amazingly good looking guy and we walk up to each other. We're nervous but we're excited. Finally, it all ends. The waiting ends and we have that first embrace. That first moment, that first bond. We hold each other and can't believe that we made it this far. The sky wasn't the limit, we're higher than that in the moment. We are finally, all of a sudden, together. And that will be the single greatest feeling I will ever experience.

50 Shades of Grey, eat your heart out. Who says men can't do romance?

10 days. I love you Steven. :)


Thursday, 28 June 2012

12 Days To Go

I don't want to exaggerate things, but I am a scared man. I was up till half 3 last night, distraught over the supposed idea that, whilst out there, Steven might not be spending all the time with me. He might want to spend it with friends. That doesn't hack me off so much as the connotation that he'd rather spend time with them than me. It's not a big deal, really, he kept on saying. And it isn't, but I know I'm feeling the pressure of going over a thousand times more than he is with having me over. Every little thing I say, I over-analyse and every little thing he says, I review to death. It's only because I want a perfectly happy boyfriend. I have many insecurities I know, but to me he's perfect and I'm horribly flawed. The fear runs deeper than just being cast aside (because I've felt like that for months), it's going out there to be judged and found wanting. Found to not be the person he thinks I am.

This is all too much of a gamble to be taken lightly. To be taken at all...

I'm sitting in a house that's absolutely baking. The temp has got beyond 30C several times today, but the humidity is killer. I'm still (technically) resting my foot even though it seems to be 99% healed. So I'm stewing. To give you an indicator of things, it was 30C at about 11am today here. I got to bed at 3:45am last night, it was 21C then. It barely changed thanks to the humidity. I've already felt totally uncomfortable today, but now, physically, I feel weaker than a wet sock. I know I'm travelling out to a country that loves pushing 35C in the summer, but that's a holiday. I have the mindset that it's going to be hot. I don't like it that a country famous for shit summers decides to pull out an Ibiza-in-a-day weather pattern.

Next thing you know we'll all be drinking Sangria off donkeys.

It's 12 days to go and I feel like I'm digging a bigger hole, which I can't stop digging and I can't escape from. When you know you won't truly get what you want, ever, there's a period of acceptance that should happen. You re-adjust your goals and wants and aim for them. I just cannot accept that I truly won't actually get my idea of love, whilst at the same time giving someone theirs and so much more. And in no way is it his fault, this mine. I'm to blame for the hurt and pain that's caused. I'm just too scared to ask for two main reasons: first it will be rejected and that fear of rejection is nearly as bad as him not wanting to talk to me. The other is that I can't anything more of him. I've ruined conversations and days more often than I have fingers, how dare I want anything from him: when the only thing I seem to be these days is tears and emotion? I'm not fun anymore, I'm not happy anymore.

It hurts more when he says it though.

12 days. I love you Steven. I'm so sorry. ;'(


Wednesday, 27 June 2012

13 Days To Go

I seem to have a terrible habit lately. The one thing I truly want, it never seems to happen if I look for it to happen. The lessons I've learnt from previous relationships, to me, have shaped the success on my end for this current one working: I never struck up a healthy balance between distance, affection, romance and blame. It seems like, however, I'm to blame for many things going wrong recently. It is my fault though, I focus too much on something that should come naturally, like breathing. You should be able to make your other half smile, laugh and enjoy the time they spend with you. I've given him none of the four aforementioned things. Therefore, I haven't given him any of what I should. With it being so close to going out there, I need to find some way of making myself happy so I can make him happy.

He only smiles when I smile. I've had people say I'm vain but I didn't want a mirror this time...

I woke up in somewhat of a cold sweat last night. About 4am I woke up, incredibly upset. I was upset that evening (when your BF says he doesn't want to talk to you, you know you've done wrong) and couldn't for the life of me understand why my heart was beating so fast. I didn't have a bad dream, I had realised something terrible. I picked up where I had left off. When I went to bed, I was still major upset. I worked myself up so bad that I fell asleep crying in my bed. When I woke up, I carried on. I really hurt someone I care very deeply about and I haven't shown him how much he means to me. I'll be the first to admit I'm no expert on relationships, but even I have to look back at how I've acted and I'd kick my ass.

Which is no mean feat to do, especially without dislocating your ankle.

I'm a fan of affection. I 'aww' in the street if I see it happen. A hug from a long-time-no-see friend, a kiss off a grandfather to his grandkids. I don't baulk at the sight of seeing a couple embrace, brothers and sisters hold hands, an elderly couple taking a slow walk or even an 'ILY' message on Facebook. I had my ideas on what I expected romance to be like and I had my ideas about how much of it was realistic in this relationship. I know I was never going to hold his hand in public, hug him or kiss him in the street. Hell, I bet I'd be called 'queer' if I walked any closer than 5 paces in front. I just wish any of my expectations had come true. I haven't had what I want and I daren't say what I want in case it's a step too far for him. I just wish, apart from me spreading the word, for once I could be the recipient of something big. And it can be as small as this font.

Fun fact: Tulsa bans kissing in public being longer than 3 minutes. You'd need a smaller unit of measurement for LBGT couples I bet.

13 days. I love you Steven. I'm sorry. <3

Tuesday, 26 June 2012

14 Days To Go

2 measly little weeks until I board a plane to destiny. So cheesy yet profound. It's hard to think back all those months ago to when I bought the ticket. To when I bought the ESTA. To when I bought the travel insurance. All those months wishing that time would speed up. I can truly say now that I didn't appreciate the time I had. I had time to prepare for what lay ahead and I didn't. I had time to adjust my attitudes and feelings and I didn't. I instead blinded myself with exaggerations of excitement, fronting a rather more scared and frightened child. I'm 19, and I felt 5. I still feel 5, I feel really vulnerable.

Not so much that I need a dummy.

I injured my foot (somehow) on Monday morning, meaning I've had to use crutches to get around. Today I had an 'alumni' thing at my old secondary school and I completely ballsed up my speech. I felt horrid. I talked about random stuff that had no meaning and not about the course or anything. I felt like a complete reject. I had Mel to help me there (a friendly face out of many) and I realised just how thankful I was that I still kept in contact with old friends. She isn't old in herself, but her friendship goes back a few years. I would have killed as a student to have the opportunity we gave those kids today.

Shame they didn't look like they wanted it.

I find that, with so little time to go now, I'm getting far too panicky. I shouldn't read so deeply into actions. I'm so insecure in myself and I'm so sure about Steven being the right one that I make all the mistakes. If he forgets to do something, it's my fault. I shouldn't just jump in at the worst possibility. But I fear I've realised this too late. I have a terrible habit of hurting the ones I love because I jump to the wrong conclusions. I panic, I worry and that is me, that is my nature. But I should be able to change if it doesn't benefit the greater good (in any case, the greater good would be Steven's happiness over anything else). All I want in life is for Steven to have a smile on his face, and more often than not recently, I've not given that to him. He deserves someone who does give it to him.

He's doing humanity a favour by picking me up. Shake his hand if you meet him.

14 days. I love you Steven. I'm so sorry. <3