Sunday, 7 October 2012

276 Days To Go - 9th July 2013

So, after the most perfect 6 weeks and a day I could ever have imagined, I have finalised the day where I want to repeat the greatest summer of all time. Tuesday 9th July, 2013. That's a whole 39 and a bit weeks away, which means I'm in absolute agony that it isn't anytime soon. But they always stated that good things come to those who wait. That summer out in Tulsa: I had some of the greatest moments in my young life happen. I met the greatest man, I smiled straight for 6 weeks and, minus a hiccup early on the first Saturday I was there, we both spent each day holding hands, hugging and sharing lives together.

But one thing I must describe to you was that first moment that we saw each other. I had already walked the best part of a quarter of a mile out of the gate where my plane was, looking for arrivals at Tulsa airport. Finally, I saw a busted revolving door with the bollard sign of 'arrivals, this way' on it. Next to it was a lone door with opaque glass. Beyond that glass, beyond that door, was Steven. I took a deep breath and walked through. I was the last off the plane but one of the first through as others had stopped to phone loved ones. How I would have loved that familiarity to do that. But I walked through that door, head up looking. And there he was, Steven. As soon as I looked up I met his glance and instantly broke it, looking down at my shoes and thinking 'I've done it'. I had to take a deep breath to get rid of the smirk on my face and to relax my beating-ever-faster heart. I walked a little faster towards him and, in no time, we shared our first contact. The biggest, hardest hug I've ever had. He whispered 'welcome' to me as we embraced and we let go. I said 'wow, I can't believe it'.

I couldn't believe that, after saying it for so long, I was actually in the presence of perfection.

I won't go into details about the trip as, for the most part, Steven was at work and I was at home. I'll skip right to the end. Departure day arrived and I hated every second of it. I think my family might have underestimated how much I truly did hate it. I cried for the most part of the day and we shared our last goodbye. Unfortunately, we could not negotiate parking at Tulsa so I had to go to the red drop off area, which has a 3 minute limit. We hugged, we cried, we kissed. We never wanted to let go. Finally, he got into the car and rolled down the window. We held hands through the window and, finally, we let go and I let him drive off. That was the most painful thing I've ever had to do. I felt rotten and the journey home was so horrid. Got back to Heathrow and had to go to the bathroom several times before going through customs to get rid of the red eyes. Met my mum and Helen at the arrivals gate but, secretly, all I wanted was to see Steven once again, waiting for me. All I wanted to do was cry and cry and cry but I was told to stop it because it would 'make me feel better'. Not sure about that one.

Especially as, at that point, I wouldn't be with the one I love for just under 11 months. </3

Right now, me and Steven are on a break. Since we got back, it's been a horrid re-evaluation of what we currently have. We had the whole thing and loved every minute, we can't have it for a long while yet. Understandably, that's going to cause a lot of tension. When I say 'break', we aren't physically using voices but we can still FB and text chat. We got into a culture of getting into arguments as, naturally, we are both stubborn. More recently, I've been a lot more vocal due to the confidence I gained whilst being out there. But that's conflicted badly with our personalities so I've got to learn to know when to voice myself and how to do it right, because I've only failed thus far. If he decides to see other people (which, as a disclaimer, he said he wouldn't dare do), I'd understand. But I'll never look for anyone else but him in my life. And whilst we might be experiencing trouble, I have July 9th in my sights. It's still 276 days away.

But it's still 4600 miles away. We've conquered it once. And we want to conquer it again.

And we will, that I have no doubt.

Wednesday, 11 July 2012

In Tulsa: Day 1 - Wednesday 11th July

Hi all. I would go on with a long post about the flight, the meeting and the first encounters, but me and Steven thought what might make a better blog post is just one simple photo.


The first of us :)

Monday, 9 July 2012

1 Day To Go

It's just the tiniest bit unbelievable that I find myself blogging right now. I genuinely expected that I would have crumbled into a sense of self-loathing and not wanted to be around anyone. Instead, I've counselled a counsellor, been liked more than Murray's tears and had so many well wishes that, to the naked eye, it would look like I've suffered a bereavement, what with the congregation of smiles and positive thinking! I cannot truly express how happy everyone has made me feel today; Steven included. I've had texts, FB messages and likes coming out of every orifice imaginable. Truly, to everyone who has wished me well, thank you so much. Your kind gestures of friendship have been so warm and welcoming that I don't think I'd be so calm right now if it truly wasn't for you guys and gals! Only a few days ago I had a message out of the blue from someone who I haven't spoken with in 5 years. He wished me luck. He took time out of his day to wish me luck and we haven't spoken in yonks. That's the measure of how big this is and just how much it means to everyone else.

I'm travelling the world for love. Finally, everyone's starting to see this in my way.

There is one thing that has been prevalent throughout this day: people keep saying I'm brave. Not that I disagree with that label, but it's something I've never really been called before. It put everything into a new light for me. I am travelling 4600 miles into states I've never entered, into airports I've never been and an apartment I've only seen through the lens of a camera. And for what? A shot at love. A chance to be with someone I want to share my life with. Through the doubters, the haters and those who just didn't understand,  I finally am within 24 hours of another country and another life. For the first time, I could genuinely feel such an elation run through my body when I realised that I'd made it through a whole year at university, passed it and got to the point where I get to spend 6 of the greatest weeks of my life with, hopefully, the greatest guy in my life.

Who'd travel that far for love? Only a lovestruck man would.

So that's it. My next blog post will be from Tulsa, Oklahoma. I'll keep you regularly updated here and on Facebook.  Just think, the next time you'll see a blog post from me, I would have met Steven, possibly spent the night and woken up in Tulsa the happiest guy in the land.

Till tomorrow. I love you Steven. :)

<3

Saturday, 7 July 2012

3 Days To Go

Instead of a blog where I rant, I wanted to publish something I sent to Steven a short while ago. At the time of writing, he hasn't responded, but he is at work.

I've been panicking all day and I confessed that I was incredibly scared of what was about to happen, to which Steven said that he'd understand if I didn't fly on Tuesday.

I'm posting my response to that comment.

Steven.
The sense of what is coming up for us is really impacting now. Being far away without family to turn to, financial burdens: it's all so much to handle calmly and consistently.

But these are words that will be spoken and never harbour any falsities. I would never pass up a chance to meet the love of my life and you, Steven Mayo, are the love of my life. I wouldn't dare regret what has the potential to be the greatest times in my life with you.

Yes, the panic will get worse and on Monday I'll be immobile through sheer panic. But know that the reason I am doing it is fear of failure: that I won't be what you like. I am going there as your boyfriend and your lifepartner. I, so badly, want this to work for the both of us to know that our lives are better for knowing each other.

But I'll never leave you. And whilst in Heathrow, Atlanta and the Tulsa gates I'll be the most nervous, emotional person in the world, I can guarantee you that seeing your face will instantly do justice to a year of waiting, a month of panic and, hopefully, many more happy years of being together.

I love you Steven, never doubt that in this life or the next. You are my lifepartner, my soulmate and the person that I want to spend my life with. This opportunity that presents itself is one that scares me to the back bones but it's an opportunity to be with the greatest guy in my life.

That is worth any price.

I love you Steven :) xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

3 Days To Go

<3

Thursday, 5 July 2012

5 Days To Go

And now there is a huge air of excitement running through me at every point. It's nearly the end of the week and what lies ahead is a hugely busy weekend. Strangely though, none of it involves the holiday. Which means several things. It means my mind will be elsewhere and it means it'll be occupied. But the greatest thing is that time will absolutely fly. On my end, I've relaxed at exactly the right time. There was huge tension towards the end of last week and massive indecision flying around. To me, that was my mind and my body telling me that it was realising just what a huge risk this is and how much it might come back to bite me on the ass. I'm not a risk taker, I wouldn't do something unless I know it's going to go smoothly. Which is why me travelling 4600 miles is the biggest risk I've ever taken and, probably, will ever take in life.

Somehow, I might not be feeling so bad if I was choosing between red and black. Someone take me to a casino!

It's only 5 days now. Closer to 4 really since it's 50 minutes to a new day (at the time of writing that) and it inches closer. I wish I didn't express myself as much sometimes (or at least not be good at it) because there's a level; of expectation that you'll get it back. Whilst you say you don't expect something from someone, there will always be a base level of which you expect a response. I know Steven doesn't emote, so of course, he's never going to show to anyone, let alone me, that he'd be nervous. Neither would he admit to being scared at the prospect of me coming over (maybe as, in terms of legwork, I'm doing the heavy travelling) or any other prospect for that matter. But he knows I'm scared and he knows that I'll always be nervous about this. So many people have offered their ears as a source of relief and aid and it's so gratifying to know that so many people really do care for my well-being for that to happen.

And from what it seems, if it goes wrong, Steven has some very angry Brits to deal with. Hot tea anyone?

I found out today how much of a bitch university is when you are away from it. I received my second set of Professional Studies results (Reflective Essay - D+) and a new reading list for English. I had just, this week, finally settled at home and got any inclination of hard work out of my system. See, for the last few weeks, I've felt like I've needed to work. Surely, I can't just sit on my arse and relax (unless you are doing a sports course, embrace the hate guys and gals!), I haven't been able to do that for a whole year and now I'm expected to switch off? I can't do that. I've never been able to switch off, it's why it takes me years to get off to sleep. There's no way I'm switching off on the night going into the 10th and I can guarantee you that my mind won't be off work until I know I'm in university next year.

Worcester can shove it. Stress when it isn't needed. Disgraceful.

5 Days To Go. I Love You Steven. :)

<3


Monday, 2 July 2012

8 Days To Go

Not that much really happened yesterday, so blogging would have been a bit redundant. Plus I guess you don't want a page full of crap (you all have news feeds for that), so I figured I'd wait until today to blog.

So today I got my money. I withdrew what I needed and came back with under $300. That isn't so much a worry but I know it means I'm going to have to play it tight when I get out there, knowing it's 6 weeks worth ($50 a week, that is going to be hard to stick to) but I'm sure I'll manage. I also managed to reserve my seats on the flights as well, which is proper amazing! I got a window seat on one of them (oddly enough, it's the Atlanta to Tulsa flight so I'll be able to see everything) and the rest I get to be the really annoying single passenger (sitting middle middle, meaning I'm central, symmetrical trouble!) who uses his elbows too much when he eats.

I'm growing little devil horns to mark such a brilliant occasion!

Me and Steven have had our little up and down days recently but I think everything is just getting to me in a big way. This is one huge transition, I've never really 'dated' anyone and I've never stayed in another country on my own, that's for sure. I am scared, I can't lie. I am a very scared person and I do worry. Deep down, it's because I guess I just expect to be worse off in every situation, hence I do what I can to help others. I don't want to feel like I'm in a position where I can be abused or hurt; and whilst this opportunity I have can swing either way on it, I want to try my hardest to please everyone on it. I've been going on about this trip for so long that I can't really turn round and say it failed because of my shortcomings.

I don't want to fail again. I've done it enough time in life.

So tomorrow begins the longest week. When I get to the 10th, I bet I'll turn round and say it went so fast and I wish I had more time. All year I've wished time to fly and it did. I don't fully regret it, but I regret the means in which I did it. My first year should have been care free, adventurous and tipsy. OK, maybe not the last one, but I think that, on reflection, I could have come out a few more times. I could have expressed myself much better in certain situations. I could have been more of a friend to my flatmates and I certainly wouldn't let go of people who drifted away. Saying that, all those things led me to where I am now and that, my friends, can't have been all a bad thing.

God bless the broken road, that led me straight, to you. Rascal Flatts.

8 Days To Go. I Love You Steven.

<3

Saturday, 30 June 2012

10 Days To Go

Apologies for not blogging yesterday. Way too much happened to even put my mind to an update there and then. So here it goes, 24 hours on.

I was scared of carnage yesterday. I had a friend over (Zoe) and she's training to read people's minds (or a psychology course, I'm not sure which.). Basically, I haven't seen her in yonks and it was supposed to be a nice little catch up over a drink and a laugh. But she reads these blogs and she wanted to get down to the bottom of why I've been very much not myself. She discovered it pretty fast and gave me some direction to go in (because it was lacking very badly). I just wanted some small things for myself. I kept on putting others first and didn't look at my own wants and getting them through. It sounds selfish, but a relationship should be equal and I didn't feel I was in one. I put my case to Steven and I told him how strongly I felt that, just some more, he is a little more expressive in himself and how he feels about me. If someone you care about so much doesn't tell you the things that they supposedly think of you, how are you to believe they still do feel them? It was a really stressful and upsetting day and, for the 5th day straight, I couldn't hold myself together long enough to not cry. I know I'm an emotional person but I'm not by any means a walkover. I really just wanted a boyfriend who could emote like I know he could but chose not to.

And I think I broke through. I think...

Because today, I woke up to a load of Kik messages and (you'll gasp at this, I know it) a FB wall post. If you didn't gasp, you do not know me, Steven or anything. That is exactly what I wanted from him, just a public show of affection. I thought he never was going to do it, I was scared I was never publicly going to be anything to him but David. He said caring things about me on Kik, he actually became a Steven that I've never seen but always wanted to see. For the first time in what seems like forever, he was happy. I've literally just got off Skype with him and he smiled! He sounded happy! I am just so glad that things seem back on track to succeed when I'm out there. I cannot thank Steven enough for him wanting to do some little things that I like. I love you Steven :) xxx

And Zoe, you are a miracle worker. Without you, I'd never push myself. Thank you babe :) x

10 days. This is the last day that it'll be a double digit countdown for an awful long time. I've suddenly found an air of confidence in myself and my belief that this will all work out. I was scared that, yesterday, I wasn't going to be welcomed into Tulsa. I was going to be rejected and left. Instead, I still believe we can share that most romantic of thoughts. The one where, after a year of waiting, of fights and arguments and love and tension, I finally walk through the arrivals gate at Tulsa International. I look around and my eyes meet with this man. No pixels, no static connection. It's live. My eyes meet with this amazingly good looking guy and we walk up to each other. We're nervous but we're excited. Finally, it all ends. The waiting ends and we have that first embrace. That first moment, that first bond. We hold each other and can't believe that we made it this far. The sky wasn't the limit, we're higher than that in the moment. We are finally, all of a sudden, together. And that will be the single greatest feeling I will ever experience.

50 Shades of Grey, eat your heart out. Who says men can't do romance?

10 days. I love you Steven. :)

<3

Thursday, 28 June 2012

12 Days To Go

I don't want to exaggerate things, but I am a scared man. I was up till half 3 last night, distraught over the supposed idea that, whilst out there, Steven might not be spending all the time with me. He might want to spend it with friends. That doesn't hack me off so much as the connotation that he'd rather spend time with them than me. It's not a big deal, really, he kept on saying. And it isn't, but I know I'm feeling the pressure of going over a thousand times more than he is with having me over. Every little thing I say, I over-analyse and every little thing he says, I review to death. It's only because I want a perfectly happy boyfriend. I have many insecurities I know, but to me he's perfect and I'm horribly flawed. The fear runs deeper than just being cast aside (because I've felt like that for months), it's going out there to be judged and found wanting. Found to not be the person he thinks I am.

This is all too much of a gamble to be taken lightly. To be taken at all...

I'm sitting in a house that's absolutely baking. The temp has got beyond 30C several times today, but the humidity is killer. I'm still (technically) resting my foot even though it seems to be 99% healed. So I'm stewing. To give you an indicator of things, it was 30C at about 11am today here. I got to bed at 3:45am last night, it was 21C then. It barely changed thanks to the humidity. I've already felt totally uncomfortable today, but now, physically, I feel weaker than a wet sock. I know I'm travelling out to a country that loves pushing 35C in the summer, but that's a holiday. I have the mindset that it's going to be hot. I don't like it that a country famous for shit summers decides to pull out an Ibiza-in-a-day weather pattern.

Next thing you know we'll all be drinking Sangria off donkeys.

It's 12 days to go and I feel like I'm digging a bigger hole, which I can't stop digging and I can't escape from. When you know you won't truly get what you want, ever, there's a period of acceptance that should happen. You re-adjust your goals and wants and aim for them. I just cannot accept that I truly won't actually get my idea of love, whilst at the same time giving someone theirs and so much more. And in no way is it his fault, this mine. I'm to blame for the hurt and pain that's caused. I'm just too scared to ask for two main reasons: first it will be rejected and that fear of rejection is nearly as bad as him not wanting to talk to me. The other is that I can't anything more of him. I've ruined conversations and days more often than I have fingers, how dare I want anything from him: when the only thing I seem to be these days is tears and emotion? I'm not fun anymore, I'm not happy anymore.

It hurts more when he says it though.

12 days. I love you Steven. I'm so sorry. ;'(

<3

Wednesday, 27 June 2012

13 Days To Go

I seem to have a terrible habit lately. The one thing I truly want, it never seems to happen if I look for it to happen. The lessons I've learnt from previous relationships, to me, have shaped the success on my end for this current one working: I never struck up a healthy balance between distance, affection, romance and blame. It seems like, however, I'm to blame for many things going wrong recently. It is my fault though, I focus too much on something that should come naturally, like breathing. You should be able to make your other half smile, laugh and enjoy the time they spend with you. I've given him none of the four aforementioned things. Therefore, I haven't given him any of what I should. With it being so close to going out there, I need to find some way of making myself happy so I can make him happy.

He only smiles when I smile. I've had people say I'm vain but I didn't want a mirror this time...

I woke up in somewhat of a cold sweat last night. About 4am I woke up, incredibly upset. I was upset that evening (when your BF says he doesn't want to talk to you, you know you've done wrong) and couldn't for the life of me understand why my heart was beating so fast. I didn't have a bad dream, I had realised something terrible. I picked up where I had left off. When I went to bed, I was still major upset. I worked myself up so bad that I fell asleep crying in my bed. When I woke up, I carried on. I really hurt someone I care very deeply about and I haven't shown him how much he means to me. I'll be the first to admit I'm no expert on relationships, but even I have to look back at how I've acted and I'd kick my ass.

Which is no mean feat to do, especially without dislocating your ankle.

I'm a fan of affection. I 'aww' in the street if I see it happen. A hug from a long-time-no-see friend, a kiss off a grandfather to his grandkids. I don't baulk at the sight of seeing a couple embrace, brothers and sisters hold hands, an elderly couple taking a slow walk or even an 'ILY' message on Facebook. I had my ideas on what I expected romance to be like and I had my ideas about how much of it was realistic in this relationship. I know I was never going to hold his hand in public, hug him or kiss him in the street. Hell, I bet I'd be called 'queer' if I walked any closer than 5 paces in front. I just wish any of my expectations had come true. I haven't had what I want and I daren't say what I want in case it's a step too far for him. I just wish, apart from me spreading the word, for once I could be the recipient of something big. And it can be as small as this font.

Fun fact: Tulsa bans kissing in public being longer than 3 minutes. You'd need a smaller unit of measurement for LBGT couples I bet.

13 days. I love you Steven. I'm sorry. <3

Tuesday, 26 June 2012

14 Days To Go

2 measly little weeks until I board a plane to destiny. So cheesy yet profound. It's hard to think back all those months ago to when I bought the ticket. To when I bought the ESTA. To when I bought the travel insurance. All those months wishing that time would speed up. I can truly say now that I didn't appreciate the time I had. I had time to prepare for what lay ahead and I didn't. I had time to adjust my attitudes and feelings and I didn't. I instead blinded myself with exaggerations of excitement, fronting a rather more scared and frightened child. I'm 19, and I felt 5. I still feel 5, I feel really vulnerable.

Not so much that I need a dummy.

I injured my foot (somehow) on Monday morning, meaning I've had to use crutches to get around. Today I had an 'alumni' thing at my old secondary school and I completely ballsed up my speech. I felt horrid. I talked about random stuff that had no meaning and not about the course or anything. I felt like a complete reject. I had Mel to help me there (a friendly face out of many) and I realised just how thankful I was that I still kept in contact with old friends. She isn't old in herself, but her friendship goes back a few years. I would have killed as a student to have the opportunity we gave those kids today.

Shame they didn't look like they wanted it.

I find that, with so little time to go now, I'm getting far too panicky. I shouldn't read so deeply into actions. I'm so insecure in myself and I'm so sure about Steven being the right one that I make all the mistakes. If he forgets to do something, it's my fault. I shouldn't just jump in at the worst possibility. But I fear I've realised this too late. I have a terrible habit of hurting the ones I love because I jump to the wrong conclusions. I panic, I worry and that is me, that is my nature. But I should be able to change if it doesn't benefit the greater good (in any case, the greater good would be Steven's happiness over anything else). All I want in life is for Steven to have a smile on his face, and more often than not recently, I've not given that to him. He deserves someone who does give it to him.

He's doing humanity a favour by picking me up. Shake his hand if you meet him.

14 days. I love you Steven. I'm so sorry. <3

Monday, 25 June 2012

15 Days To Go: Countdown Begins

Sorry for the lack of updates. Those who follow on Facebook know that University stress and placements don't mix. Much like whiskey and beer and coke. More on that later.

So the first year of university is completed. A sad time as I'm leaving a lot of good memories behind but I don;t think I could have continued on much longer at the pace we were going. My flatmates were amazing the last few days, they were so composed and I know if any of them had been an emotional wreck before Thursday just gone, I would have been in tears. Those people (Tish, Alex and James) will always hold a special place in my heart for many years to come. They watched me grow and I watched them watch me. Sounds almost perverse but let's not forget that what was said and done in that flat stays there. I'll truly miss their little foibles and, to psychologies it a bit, I think that's what I'll miss most when I move into my new house.

Avon Flat 2 forever. The flat karaoke, I'll miss that too. <3

Had my final bit of placement and a residential. Here's a tip to those who don't have kids: wait until the government makes leashes legal. The worry about losing kids was almost too much on some occasions. But I got to teach them everyday whilst in school, which was so valuable in my development. And 3 'outstandings' out of 3 isn't half bad ain't it? Going to London with them was such a welcome distraction from University's last few breaths of the academic year and getting to see the kids who only thought I wore a waistcoat and suit out of school was so nice. They were totally different but they loved the experience, as did I.

I'm never planning a school trip though. That would be ridiculous. They can run around on the playground all day for all I care.

Me and Steven have hit more than 11 months together. That's significant as it's the last anniversary before I'm finally out there. Me and him went through some rough patches, but with it being so close to getting out there, I can only see it as the pressure getting there. Only in the last few weeks have we admitted to each other that we're nervous as anything and slightly scared as to how it'll all go down. My worry is I'll turn up at the airport and either he isn't there or he looks and me and think 'oh Christ look at this minger, what the hell have I landed?' . I'm sure his worry is the same thing and it's a crying shame you can't get someone to believe in how good they look. Damn self image problems. But 15 days, I can't begin to tell you how excited I am for the time coming up. It's going to be an intense last few weeks of panicking and excitement.

That's if the airport stop changing my freaking itinerary. As it goes, I might be landing in Alaska!

I also went to go see my friend Liam down in Greenwich again. A fantastic opportunity to let my hair down, game till it's dawn and catch up on all the lewd bits of life that I missed but Liam casually picked up! Although, on a pub crawl through Greenwich, it maybe wasn't wise to order McDonalds on the last leg. And them cockily ask Tom to get me a whiskey to end the night. After the puking stopped I felt glorious, but a little tender. That's another life lesson brought to you by the unfortunate lovechild of Ann Widdecombe and Chewbacca.

That lovechild's name was David. They vowed secrecy. Until now.

15 Days. <3 I love you Steven.

Thursday, 10 May 2012

61 Days To Go

Ohhhhhhh, less than 9 weeks to go now! Must admit, it's getting pretty exciting knowing that, day by day, I'm getting so much closer to the holiday of a lifetime. With tonnes of uni work though, it's not like the days are going quickly. It's kind of something I really want, the days to go a little faster. But here's the thing... I'm now trying to complete the work I wanted to leave to make the days pass by fast. So... essentially... I'm getting it all done early for... er... peace of mind? Less stress? Not all too sure what the ulterior motive is for trying to be a good student but once it's done, it's done I guess.

I'll topple all this work, just like I toppled waking up early for placement.

These last few days have been so damn stressful. Tears, anger, worry and stress. They all amount to a person I never knew existed. Someone who isn't fearing the bigger things in life: more he worries about keeping the best things that happened to me. I've had arguments I never thought I'd have but my real worry is that I showed a side of me that people will hate. When you try so hard to fit in by being yourself and getting someone to fall for you, only to show the Hyde in yourself, it's a struggle to regain trust. And with 61 days to go... well... it's a side that's best repressed.

Repressed... and then blogged... rawr.

Placement is halfway through now and I'm buzzing. I feel really comfortable in front of the class but I'm annoyed that not all of my lessons seem to be getting through to them. I know, as a teacher, you can't always deliver a perfect lesson. But you'd hope that all the kids go away knowing they've had fun and enjoyed what you taught them. Having kids come up to you and say it's the best lesson they've had for years, only to turn round the next week and not learn a thing...

It's massively disheartening.

Tuesday, 1 May 2012

70 Days To Go

10 weeks. 10 very long, very hectic, very stressful, very draining, very taxing weeks. Anyone who knows me knows I don't do things easy and waiting is definitely one of them. I wasn't born with much patience. About as patient as I got as a youngster was when 6:01pm hit. Dinner was 1 minute late. You know I was standing by that cooker, hoping food would magic its way into my massive gob. (perhaps that's why I'm overweight now then!) I know that (as of writing) I have 7 lecture weeks left in my first year here at Worcester. In that time, 2 essays, an audit, 3 profiles and 4 presentations will have to be made and presented before I decide to get my bags and pack for a happy venture back home.

70 days till I get my 'Love Actually' moment. I can't even look at the case right now.

So, I decided to get my arse in gear (LOL apparently on my spell-check I've spelt 'arse' wrong) and try and bash out my science essay this week. If I've done that, I only have the Professional Studies essay to do on my own. The rest is either group work or DSTs. Currently I stand with an essay that meets the word count and nothing else. I still have to type up the lesson plan and photocopy the examples of work and write the reference list. All in good time and assigned dates my friends. So, as you might be able to tell, I'm buzzing slightly. I'm doing it all for Steven. He knows just how badly I want this work done and why I want it completed. I want it done so I can spend more time with him when the options open up and I have days where I can just lay down and relax about the world.

Much like August 21st. When I'll lay down, stare at the stars and think back to the greatest 6 weeks of my life.

I'm back at placement for Thursdays and Fridays. This time, we are teaching a solo lesson each day. I must admit, I'm getting a lot more comfortable with the idea of being a teacher and standing in front of the class and delivering lessons. I just wish the hours weren't so stupid! Getting up at 5:45am is not my exact idea of a good start to the morning. But, to be fair, I have some awesome people on placement with me who make it all worthwhile. It sounds slightly sad but, I wish next year I am in placement with them again. They just make the whole experience totally worthwhile and fun when you feel on your lowest for months. It will be sad to part from them.

Having said that... no more early mornings for now. I can do with that! The next early morning after placement will be getting to the airport. Cannot freaking wait!

It's seriously killing me that I don't get to spend as much time with Steven anymore. I keep complaining about it here hoping something will change but, again, wasn't blessed with patience. (those going WTF at this point obv didn't read the rest of this blog) I've hit the stage where I feel like I've lost myself if I haven't spoken to him or haven't heard from him in a while. Is that love or craziness? I'm scared that maybe, for a  9 1/2 month relationship, I'm being too selfish wanting him to talk to me, despite his situation meaning he can't do that most days. I know I'm a lot more open about these things than he is, am I wrong to be so open?

Anyone who thought that last sentence was dirty before me mentioning it, go check yourself into a sex clinic. Please.


Wednesday, 25 April 2012

76 Days To Go

Apologies for the lack of updates. Can't really give you a legit reason. Instead, let's crack on.

So my flight itinerary changed. I get to Tulsa a couple of minutes earlier and I leave England a little later, but they moved me to Heathrow. That's annoyed my hugely seeing as Olympic traffic is going to be berserk, even 2-3 weeks before the games. I'm usually quite upbeat about such changes but I'm a little nervous about the changeover. I have just under 2 hours to get to my connecting flight. That isn't so much time to really peg it to the plane whilst checking in and stuff. Should be very fun indeed.

Maybe it's why I want to get fit. I fancy running through Atlanta!

I decided (after quite a few fat jibes) that I'd get out and get fit. Eating healthy, going to the gym and taking better care of myself. I started this on Monday officially and at a starting weight of 15st dead (95kg approx), with the aim being to reduce my body fat and get down to something like 14st by the time I leave Uni. The likeliness of this happening is not particularly high but I'm motivated more than ever to make these positive changes. Although it was adorable when Steven popped up to say that he loves me just the way I am.

True 'awwww' moment that. If you didn't gush, you have no heart!

Me and Steven have been together now for over 9 months. It seemed so far away a few months ago when we were going through a rough patch and seemed so far away when we started dating. 9 months was very much one of those special moments; however due to a living situation on his end, we couldn't spend it the way I envisaged it. When circumstances change, you realise exactly what you took for granted. I assumed I'd see Steven's face every day and I'd hear his voice when I could. I didn't fully take it for granted but I know that I didn't visibly show much I appreciated the time I got to spend with him. Now I barely get any time with him until possibly late May/early June. It's going to be a damn hard couple of weeks.

I've never doubted for a second I'd get to see him for real. Under 11 weeks. I will.

This week marks the start of the most intense period at university this year. The final term. 8 lecture weeks, 9 assignments and a hell of a time at placement to come. I thrive under a little bit of pressure but knowing that, come the end of it all, it'll be just 2 and a half weeks until I find myself flying. I got a huge confidence boost today as I got re-elected StAR Rep for my group. Knowing that people have this much faith in me to serve them is something I never got in Essex. So, I get the chance again that I never had at home. I get to shine, be independent and make people proud of me. I get the chance that I wanted but never got. And I feel as high as a kite for knowing that people believe in me!

Placement tomorrow though. I'm grounded. Temporarily. :)

Tuesday, 10 April 2012

91 Days To Go

13 weeks and I'm starting to feel a little queasy. Not because time is flying, but because I've just done another price search. Yes, you heard. I just wanted to see how much of a saving I have made. Compared to when it was at its peak in prices, I saved £30. Compared to where it's at now, I've lost £250. That's right, my £800 would have cost me £550 today. That is money that could have really helped in the long run (as spending money probably). Now I could face going to America STILL broke.

I gotta get seriously working soon. Like, red light district working...

I just paid out the ass for travel insurance as well. I eventually got it down from £70 to £38 using Confuzzzzled.com but it was still money that I needed to save. I'm starting to think that, after university, life with a job and a house might seem just a little easier than this. All the more impetus to keep it all going then! Being home has been a real lesson in losing independence. Whilst I have every right to do most things, I forgot just how much freedom I had away at University and just how much easier it was to relax, let go and de-stress. When I get back to Uni, whilst I'll be busy I'll be sure to have a bigger smile on my face knowing that I'm going to thrive being an underdog once again.

If you were planning a trip to Tulsa, I've saved you £282 already. Thank me in the form of a cheque please.

It's nearly 9 months me and Steven have been together. To know that I'm nearly 3/4 of the way to a year with someone is an incredible feeling. One which might not be repeated for some time. It feels incredible and it feels humbling, knowing someone wants to put up with me in such close proximity for so long too! He's got the patience of a saint he has! It got me thinking though, 9 months is a really long time. Like, January to September is 9 months and that seems an awful long time! I know we can go way longer than that, but how fast is it going to feel? These last 9 months have breezed by. What's 12/18/24 months going to feel like?

LOL. It's going to feel brilliant.

N.B. I have a pageview from Canada and I know exactly who it is. :D

Thursday, 5 April 2012

96 Days To Go - ESTA

Feels weird to type only two digits in the title box. Makes this whole blog feel that tiny bit shorter. Much like my ego. It wasn't anywhere to start, then I found it and now it feels as small as the number of days left. It's been a bit of a revolutionary few days. I haven't felt totally lost without a cause, (after doing all your Easter uni work though, that feeling kinda lingers) but recently more than ever I've felt an awful amount of pressure on myself to not feel nervous or excited for what's coming up, mainly because no-one else feels that way. If you felt something completely different to everyone else, you'd be forgiven for thinking that it's wrong to feel that way. When it isn't actually. But you change it because you feel so out of place.

Until the end of Year 1 at Uni, no more excitement. I command myself to be bland and boring. Cue mild applause.

I like being home a hell of a lot. It's comforting to be in my own bed, in the security of my own house and not having to worry so much about the financial side of life. Having said that, I just bought some summer clothes. 2 pairs of jean shorts (I look like I'm wearing what 5 year olds would wear if they were freaks of nature. I look adorable), a new top and new shoes. All of this when my best friend Liam should have bought his new game. On a day where I only planned to buy a bus ticket and lunch, I ended up forking out more on clothing than health.

I'm not a stereotype by any means. But...

I also bought something else a few days ago which only became valid today, my ESTA. Essentially, you used to have to buy a Visa to enter the USA. But, because our country is popular, you can buy an ESTA from the Visa Waiver programme. It's basically a cheaper, longer lasting Visa that grants you multiple access, but the border control can still choose not to let you in. So, essentially, it's a second ticket to get it, meaning the only thing that is stopping me getting to Tulsa is the pure fact of time. And that's going to go super fast (after Easter, 5 weeks till half term, then 2 weeks after half term it's summer) that excites me. Which is why those first 5 weeks back at Uni are going to be super intense.

Watch my life crumble around me. WATCH IT....

Sunday, 1 April 2012

100 Days To Go

100 days left. It's certainly looking a lot sooner now. I'm at home for about 25 of those days before I break up for summer (that's about 18 days), so I have about 50-55 days left at University. It's even scarier to them think that that means 9 assignments in about 8 weeks. Which means that this term, coupled with placement, is going to be more intense, more hard working and a lot more drinking. I kid of course. I'll only drink a little. But I'm going to have to say goodbye to weekends and goodbye to my social life (BAHAHAHA, I never had one of those!) for a couple of weeks so I don't have to worry about the prospects of resits and finding out whilst I'm in the USA.

One day, I'll be able to call these breaks from University a 'holiday'.

I didn't have the greatest run in to get to Easter. Whilst lectures wound down, assignments were, well, passed and packing went like a dream, I felt like I was battling a real sense of panic. I've said before, I'm certainly not scared of going. If I was, I would not have bought the ticket. This is the longest relationship I've been in, I've never been in one so serious and I know I'm not a massive catch so... to me, I'm pressuring myself to be as good as I can be. I want Steven and others to be able and look back, if I do anything wrong, and say that I only do what I do in life because I had the best intentions at heart. You hope that's enough to shien through whatever crack has been made.

It's going to be an unusually intense couple of days. Saturday was all about the travelling, lugging around dead weight and bar-staffing. Today is about roast lamb and Wrestlemania (:P) and tomorrow is all about removing a greenhouse and more travelling, with Tuesday being going round geeking out with Liam (much like old times!). Can't say I'm not looking forward to it, but I slept till 1:30pm today. Half my day was gone: a day I pencilled in to be my ESTA purchasing day and my journal surmising day.

Those journals will be thankful I didn't make them my bitch today. You wait till next week.

Wednesday, 28 March 2012

104 Days To Go

Just under 15 weeks to go now and, once again, comes the end of another term where development was key but stability was everything. This was the longest term out of the three and, if there was a term to go wrong, this would be the one. Block placement, 4 assignments (ended up being 5 for me due to the fail in Maths) and long periods away from home put a hell of a lot of strain on me. It showed throughout various points during the start of 2012: breaking down in the toilets at placement, breaking down in front of Steven and breaking down in front of friends and family.

You'd think I would have taken out breakdown cover. Amirite?

It's slightly scary how fast time is flying really. Well, it's scary in the same way getting a dog is scary. You absolutely cannot wait to get it (to be honest, this metaphor only works if you like dogs and want one. Otherwise, close your eyes, hum a tune and let me have my moment) but the responsibility of having it means things will change in your life. When I'm home and it hits 14 weeks to go, we are in double digits for days to go (98. SPOILER ALERT!) and it feels fantastic! Knowing that the next 8 weeks after that will be absolute hell on Earth with University, it's nice to know that I'll have a distraction to take me through to moving out and then the USA.

10/1 that I end the year with a grey hair. I've placed a bet. Join me?

I swear that I'm going through some very weird phase. I don't know what I'm doing, but I'm starting to feel a bit more 'attractive'. It stemmed from a trip to the River Bank yesterday with Tisha and we took a camera. In hindsight, best decision since they released Vanilla Coke. We took loads of photos and some looked halfway decent and then FLASH! That one photo that, literally, brought a tear to my eye. It's my profile pic on FB, I'm heads over heels happy with it and I hope you like it too. Then I went home and talked to Steven and tried on my bar-staffing uniform for a party on Saturday. Steven's reaction was... a different form of happiness I've ever seen. It made me feel amazing to know he liked it so much, but there's something he needs to remember.

It doesn't how much (or how little) or what he wears. He still looks amazing to me. :)

Wednesday, 21 March 2012

111 Days To Go

Odd days come and go much like the passing weathers. There are those days you are as high as life may take you and there are those days where the slightest discrepancy makes the day redundant. More and more, I seem to be suffering the latter and less of the former. I'm think it's probably to do with 'end-of-term syndrome', where I'm too looking forward to going back to home that I'm down that I'm not there yet. The real problem it presents is that, with under 16 weeks to go, it's taking a toll on me and Steven. I find myself progressively looking towards him as a source of happiness, which he only now sees to be the key to cheering me up, not stabilising fun and flirtation. I guess I'm still reeling from just how bad last week was and just how low it set me.

I seem to prove, at every turn, every doubt anyone ever had over me.

In the same vein of judgement, a thought arose. Year 2 at Uni is coming up and, far be it from me to be worried about things (when has that ever happened before?!), re-elections are coming up. I asked for a chance and they, very kindly, gave me my chance. Re-election means: did you screw up your chance? How the mighty might rise and fall. Something I pride myself on is being able to relate and reach out; I've gone through it all this year. Failing assignments, deaths in the family and I never took any of it lying down and I'll be damned that come the time of judgement from peers alike, I'll give it as good as I ever have done in fulfilling a role I've prided my life on for several months.

But I'll be damned if I'm making election badges.

The minutes are getting longer, it seems. The days seem to be finding new ways to stretch patience and I've found myself counting each day falling away as a victory. It hit me last night as I lay awake at 4:30am that in 111 days time, at that very point, I'll be getting ready to leave my house and take my plane to a love that travels as fast as light itself. Just for that first moment of embrace, when I finally can touch, see, feel, hear and taste a future. We have more than 3 months left, but that countdown never increases. It will come around, I'll drag it kicking and screaming to Tulsa. For that first moment of touch where a year of waiting vanishes within the first locking of lips. Where the days of arguments and tension disappear along with the fear and are replaced with euphoria and the sense of relief.

That, in Tulsa, I see my life. And, for the first time, I love every moment.

Sunday, 18 March 2012

114 Days To Go

If you don't mind me saying, it's been a complete stinker of a week. To run it down, I started this week (Sunday to Sunday) with my Dad as we went through old times with football. I was home. Now, I'm back at Uni. So first bummer of the week is that I'm now 180 miles away from a family hug. Which is more valuable than most things in this world. Tuesday marked 6 years to the day when my Grandad passed away and, yet again, I wasn't there to give and take that hug that reaffirmed love, support and want. Instead, I silently cried as the ones I needed couldn't hold me and tell me everything was going to be away. 

6 years, yet the same tears still flow. Proud to be your grandson, always.

This entire week, my boyfriend has also been without electricity. If I ever needed any confirmation that he is the one for me, I haven't been able to crack a smile all week. Tuesday was our 8 months celebration, but we spoke for a total time of 15 minutes. To put that in context, last event (7 months), we spent about 5-6 hours together. We listened to our song and I could barely hear him say 'I love you'. I've felt so low all week because I realised just how 'second fiddle' I could be. Not having him to talk to, not having him there when I needed him, it leaves a profound gap in my life. And now he's back, I still can't crack a smile. I felt so lonely and I don't know why I can't shake these feelings of not being worth his love.

Wine and chocolate anyone? 

My body is in an incredible amount of pain from playing football on Thursday. It's been 4 years (and 4 stone) since I played competitive football but I put my back out and injured my knee. I feel incredibly pathetic for it. I realise I'm an unfit man who still dreams of scoring that one goal that ends how I think about myself. I'll never get it though if this is how utterly pathetic I am. 

I beat myself up a lot. Mainly because all I want to do is please... and I don't do that.

I couldn't be home for Mothers Day today. If there could be a worse end to the week, it wasn't scripted. I so badly wanted to be there to hug my mum and give her what she wanted today... but I couldn't. That makes me feel even more helpless. It's just over 16 weeks until I fly out and I'm scared that the events of the last week might affect it all. Everything Steven has tried hasn't put a permanent smile on (he got his electricity back Friday) and I'm scared he thinks nothing will work.

I just want to be happy again. I've felt so lonely... I just want a smile on my face.

It was 6 years ago that I went nearly two weeks with a night of crying. I've matched that streak this week and just before. Love's to blame. People kept telling me that relationships aren't easy but I really feel that I'm keeping a good man away from those who are better than myself. I love him with all of my heart; I wouldn't have booked the ticket otherwise. But with recent events, with what people have said about me and for how I'm feeling right now, I don't feel like I deserve perfection, because I'm tarnished.

Who's laughing now? Probably those who I was laughing at before. Foolish, stupid me.


Sunday, 11 March 2012

121 Days To Go

A thought came across me today. I'm back in Worcester after spending the most wonderful few days at home and I'm feeling very very low. Why am I feeling low? Because for how little I spoke to my BF this weekend, it'll be even less this week. Why did I let this get to me? Because I discovered something. We all know that bullying comes in all forms: physical, verbal etc. Have you ever considered 'silence' bullying? I can see why not speaking up can be seen as bullying. Do you know the first thing I did when I got home? I threw my hands round my mum, holding back tears because, for the first time since joining university, I was bullied. Bullied by silence.

It takes balls to take responsibility. Seems like I've got a massive pair compared to you.

It occurs to me that I have 6 'official' followers. Those who have an account and wish to follow this blog! To those of you, hello! To those who follow but haven't joined, hello to you too! It fills me with such joy when people have come to me and spoken of their joy for reading this blog (despite it being sometimes more depressing than brown bread). If I get just one person to understand how I feel, I've explained myself well and it makes this all worth it. I'm not all about reader statistics, I'm just blown over by how many people have cared enough to look. In such a time of feeling alone, I feel heartened to have such nice things to reflect upon when writing this.

Officially on record: thanks for listening! :)

I'll be honest, I'm scared. I'm scared of a lot of things. I find myself with 3 weeks of Uni till the Easter break which, if I'm right, isn't going to be a 'stressful' run in. But after that break, full days, placement and money come straight into the picture. I'm scared that, as the year draws to a close, I'll find myself under pressure with more assignments. And I'm scared that in 121 days, whilst I have no doubt in me that I'm making the right decision, my life will change forever.

If I can louden my bullies though, I'm sure I'll be just fine.

Friday, 9 March 2012

123 Days To Go

I'm back home in Essex. I admit, I was buzzing the first time because it was the first time in about 2 months that I'd seen my parents. This time, I just wanted to be home because I knew I'd be in the company of people who wouldn't throw me under the bus. I was so frustrated and annoyed yesterday, but I spoke it out with my parents and they made me feel respected. Something that I think some people don't want me to feel sometimes. When you are made to feel like a scapegoat, you find that those who accept you are those who value you for who you are and not for being a 'yes' man.

I'm so much more than a 'yes' man. I say 'no' too.

I had a really lovely 24hrs with Steven yesterday. Mainly because we are both adults and I was really made to feel like a nice adult at that by him. We talked things out and we had fun and we had a laugh. Me and him have such a good connection. I think I could talk the head off a torso, but he just lets it happen. The weirdest thing is, well, he loves it. I'm naturally very introverted but if I like someone, I come out of my comfort zone and I appear very confident. I'm not a confident person at all, but he just feels so welcoming. Which means, come July 10th, I'll be expecting the biggest hug of my life.

I'll bring the tissues. Because, after a whole year of waiting, you are bound to run and cry down that arrival gate and into the arms of the one you want to be with. Duh.

It's that time in the education system when you start to ween out who's been playing a game. Who's been a true, real friend to you. I got that feeling throughout Thursday. Me and Nicola (my Worcester best friend) had an amazing little session that night with our friend Katy and we just laughed the night away (NB - Nicking Nic's phone and texting her loverboy IS NOT THE WAY to a friend's heart or speech). It's exactly what I needed; that day was going to be a total blowover until they saved it. I can't wait for Thursday though, having a kick about with lads in our group is going to be a real highlight of my week.

76 goals in 150 appearances. I have a name to behold.

Wednesday, 7 March 2012

125 Days To Go

I've got to admit, I'm feeling a little low. Things haven't been adding up so well since I got back to Uni. Granted, I passed my Maths resubmission (B on the 2nd attempt, get in?) and I'm so looking forward to being back in Essex again this weekend, but I feel like I'm pushing things off the rails. Everyone is human and they make mistakes, but why today, of all days, am I killing myself over my BF forgetting one little request? I'm down, I'm crying, it's almost like I'm on some sort of time of the month. Am I wrong to be hurt by it?

And then this makes me doubt everything. I have to keep checking my Maths to believe I've passed.

Now this does sound corny but... I do like romancing a little. I love doing it... but it's never happened vice versa. I've never really been 'romanced', so to say. Sounds stupid to say but I feel like I'm not good enough to be 'romanced'. Admittedly, it's hard to be romanced so far away, but I'd kill for the little messages of affection. I love being in love and I want the world to know that I have love back. I don't give to receive because I know what makes him smile and what makes him happy.

I know I'm a hard person to like... much harder to love.

It's been a week since I got rid of my old baggage and I'm so relieved he is out of my life. For all the problems I've ever had with Steven, the baggage has given me 100x more. I can't remember feeling this happy that my life is all in order, but feeling so low for being hurt once by the one I love. He's perfect, he's always on my mind in lectures, on my travels he pops up, every piece of music I listen to, he features. I love him with all of my heart and I've not put him up on a pedastool. I'm a complete wreck, I shouldn't be depressed when I belong to perfection.

With the way I feel, he's heroic for staying put...

I wish this could be a happier blog. I want to have a smile on my face. I want you to join in with my euphoria at being 125 days away from the grandest day of my life. But I will now have to hijack your hearts slightly further by asking you to visit www.kony2012.com. Joseph Kony is a war criminal in Uganda who, disgracefully, we are only starting to realise. Please watch the video and join the pledge and help up oust the Hitler of Africa.

Just by sharing that video, you've shared the exposure of his doings. Please.

I'm more nervous than ever now. I'm scared this whole thing will hang over for a long time. If I'm holding on (stupidly) for one little thing, what the hell will happen if something bigger happens? I felt the mood change so badly today, almost instantly. I wasn't smiling, I needed to take breaks to talk to him. I needed to splash cold water over my face to calm down, what must he think of me? Am I some kind of controlling monster? I feel like an unloving prat. Because I love him so much, I'm hurt. That doesn't make sense... so why on God's green earth am I tearing up and crying writing this?

All my life I've felt this way, but I could never find the words to say... stay.

I've been sitting here staring at the clock on the wall... he knows the rest.

Friday, 2 March 2012

130 Days To Go

Significantly, my first blog from home. I got home and finally got the hug I've waited for for as long as two months. My mum was waiting and we just locked up and couldn't let go. I'm not lying, I was holding back some tears. It just felt so good to be held on to and felt like someone didn't want me to leave. My parents have been nothing but golden, so supportive and welcoming. Coming home just brought back all those feelings of growing up, knowing that I'm not going to get a hug when I go back, I'm not going to have a meal waiting for me. It's just going to be me, grown up, again.

There really is no place like home. Scary to think I can't call it 'my home' anymore.

Me and my mum got chatting and catching up on everything. I showed her my school experience folder (just to prove that I wasn't lying when I said I got some 'outstanding' marks, I really didn't hit any kids) and we got caught up on all issues. And we got chatting about the trip again. You know when you try so desperately to say something to someone but it wouldn't do any good? I'd like to think and recognise I'm in a relationship. A loving and fulfilling relationship (at least at this stage, before meeting) but I don't think people see it as anything more than a friendship.

If the latter is the case, I'm a massive slut. *shows sideboob*

I've had a stunning few days. Only yesterday I found out I'd been called to attend a disciplinary hearing for Alex's 21st (not our fault but our responsibility) but that didn't get me down. Instead, I got a lot of work done and I'd like to think I'm making my boyfriend happy by being in this happy and real mood. Of course, usually seeing me happy either means someone's given me money or the ex's that hate me have validated my reasons for not liking them. When both happens within 24 hours, it makes my smile even bigger than certain people's egos!

I'm feeling a little dance coming on... but I won't embarrass myself... again...

Thursday, 1 March 2012

131 Days To Go

I'm in the mood for summer. And this time, not just July 10th. No, I mean some proper summer. The sun rising at 6am, the sun setting at 8/9pm and the days where the lessons take place outside. Why am I in this mood? Because it's the last time I was so truly happy. The hot days, the hotter friendships and the hottest moods, I cannot wait to wake up to bright sunlight and look forward to a day where I learn with the windows open and learn without the mind being closed. Plus, in retrospect, last summer was about success and change. This summer is all about fun and frolics abroad and at home.

Oh, and the summer playlist. That will be mentioned a lot more soon. Hint - Smooth makes it.

I slept amazingly well last night considering what happened the previous day. I woke up today to something that has put a permanent smile on my face for the whole of today. So, truly, the last 24hrs have been utter bliss. Steven messaged me whilst I was alseep. You'll read this and think 'what's so special about that?', but it's the fact that rarely it ever happens. So, rarely, he takes time out of whatever he is doing to message me, knowing I'm not going to reply. He just wants to talk to me when I can't. In some way, I get a lot of happiness from that. And having woken up to see that, I feel ever so loved.

It feels like I'm being touched by an angel when he does that. I know Steven will have something to say about that...

Lectures today brought home an important message. In 131 days time, I'll finally be in front of someone I really want to listen to and to learn from. I'm not going to lie, there are indecencies I'd rather suffer than sit through a Maths lecture, so it makes the want for it all to end so much bigger. I'm paying near enough £3.5k a year to be told that I can't read a calculator to tell me what a calculator should say. (Confused? So was I.) It brought back the simple happiness I derived from the small things in life as well. Happiness such as winding up one of my best friends about her 'lovers', happiness such as a Strongbow whilst playing pool with a friend, happiness such as listening to the music you loved long ago.

A weird mix, Blondie, alcohol and lovers. Anyone would think that I went back in time to get laid...

Wednesday, 29 February 2012

132 Days To Go

In starting this entry, M People came onto my iPod with 'Proud'. Incredibly indicative of my day today. I really made myself proud (something I seldom do these days) today by growing some balls and standing up for what I believe in. When those around you harass you for thinking what you think, they themselves are exposed. To question is to grow, but my baggage only grew more tiresome to deal with. One more ex that isn't a friend anymore. But I feel relieved that I stood up for what I believed in. I feel rather cleansed if I say so myself.

What did I do today, to make myself feel proud? David defeated Goliath.

In a couple of days, I get to go home. I can't wait to get home and receive and give a huge hug to my parents. To know that, for a couple of days, I'm their little baby once again and it is satisfying. To an extent though. Like, it's just going to feel so good that for a couple of days, I'm with the ones I really love and I have that security of home once again. To know that, for 48 hours, I'm around people who won't judge, it's a stunning feeling.

I'll feel part of the family once more.

I've been in an unseasonably good mood recently. I was feeling very very down for the last couple of days for just the reason that I desperately wanted to leave the country and meet Steven finally. However, recently I've picked up. It's just... things have been going right. They never go right for me, what the hell happened? I feel so much more secure in that fact that I'm in a (hopefully) very long relationship and just seeing Steven smile gives me such warmth. There's no better satisfaction in life seeing those you care about so much, smile. They just prove their eternal happiness.

Just under 19 weeks. <3

I just did a price search. It's been over a month and a half since I booked the ticket and I wanted to check the price of a ticket now in comparison to then. Next year, I'll be buying my ticket later than this year due to loan payments and my incredibly weird renting process. Turns out I'd only be paying £30 extra at this point... makes me think. If I had waited a little longer, I could have a few more seasons of The Big Bang Theory. Or another new pair of converses.

Or a V8. *points gun to mouth*

Sunday, 26 February 2012

135 Days To Go

This week has been, well, stressful. But not that stressful. It's been a week where not much has gone on, but because of that, so much has. I am home alone again for this weekend, but it'll be the last one like for a little while as I up sticks for a couple of days and happily march on home to a hug, good food and good times back in my homeland of Essex. When I went down to see Liam, it was a fantastic opportunity to relax, kick back and be in company that I, not only knew, but felt so relaxed with. I love my Worcester base, the friends I've made are priceless and my flatmates are all so welcoming. But those times when you need someone who's known you longer than you've known yourself to give you that hug and boot up the arse, you pine for home. And I'm so damn thankful to be getting it.

A grown man can cry for his mummy whenever he wants. It's where he does it that depends if he gets funny looks.

I put off doing my Art assignment lesson plan because I never felt in the right mood to work and do it. But oddly enough, doubt from unlikely sources spurred me on. Steven casually observed that I'd said I'd do it, and then every day I'd say 'I'll leave it to tomorrow', to which he'd follow up with 'we'll see'. Whilst he says it was teasing, it pissed me off no end. I know he reads these but for a very long time, I've had a lot of people expect a lot of me and when I don't deliver, I am jabbed and poked about it. Now whilst he's experienced similar, I didn't ever want him to doubt that I'm a man of my word. Which is why I sat my arse down and for an hour, I typed and typed until I completed a lesson plan.

I usually don't want my BF to be quiet. For the times, they are, a changing.

I had a very low week. I wasn't particularly happy, I wasn't cheery and I couldn't get any energy to do anything productive. It got me thinking about just how badly we treat those who want to help us. It's how (oddly enough) me and Steven bonded. I was dumped and I pushed him away because, well, I thought I could handle a break up on my own. That was stupid. But all this time, Steven has wanted to help me and show me that what I do and say sometimes are not the logical and best option. I'm a man who wears his heart on his sleeve. Whilst that isn't necessarily a bad thing, it is when it isn't moderated. We end up disregarding our sane mind in favour of what feels right to say or do. When not handled right, it can destroy the bonds it took months, even years to build. Steven has, honestly, the smartest brain I've ever seen.

Thank you Steven. Truly, I know I'm more wrong than I let on. I'm sorry. I love you.

Monday, 20 February 2012

141 Days To Go

I woke up this morning (after the grand total of 30 minutes of sleep) to the news that I had actually reached a bit of a milestone. 1000 reads. 1000 times, people clicked on the links and wanted to read about this adventure. That's not to say 1000 people are interested, more like 20 people quite like a re-read I think. But it does show that people do read this. And more importantly, it shows me that there's a genuine interest in feelings, a genuine interest in the want to show progression and feedback and empathise with the writer.

Or I could look at it and say 'I GOT 1000!!!!!'. Celebratory oxygen for all! It's on me.

I have an ear infection. There is only one upshot to that. Whenever someone tries to talk to you in your bad ear, you can say 'what?' all you want and they can't get angry. They can't get angry because your ear doesn't work. That's like getting angry at a paraplegic for not walking to the shops with you. You know who you are, you disgust me. But it also means I'm in a constant pain. Which means I get frustrated because I can't function properly. Which means I get passive-aggressive. Not a good sign, but since recently I haven't had as much time to talk to the boyfriend, it is understandable.

They call it a 'man period'. Whatever it is, I'm just relieved I haven't had to stick anything in my foof.

I spent a rather enjoyable couple of days in Greenwich visiting my best friend Liam at his digs. We did the things we used to do round each others homes before we both left, which made me really nostalgic. We went down the pub and, of course, we didn't get stabbed (for inner London, I'm impressed). The only bone of contention was with the fact that my ear started playing up whilst I was down there. So I don't think he relished me hogging his laptop to look at local GP surgeries! I loved the time I spent down there and I met some lovely people. Here's hoping the next nice place I get to visit has plenty of the same (hint hint - Tulsa, hint hint).

I also lived in Maccy D's for those couple of days. I was pissing fries and dumping nuggets at the end.

It's going to be a busy couple of days and, hopefully, a profitable one. I'm just really hoping Worcester speed up paying me back on my transport expenses. That's £50 I need to cover my overdraft!! But with resubmissions, creative art, PE, milk, pancake day AND postage of a special present to the States (Airsure fecking rules) all within the space of 48 hours, I can't say I'm relishing doing all of this whilst registering for a GP and writing more poetry. Oh, and there's the small issue of getting home next weekend!!

Something tells me once this term is finished, you'll see a happier, healthier David.

Tuesday, 14 February 2012

148 Days To Go: Valentines

So, it's the first time ever that I get to celebrate Valentines Day with someone. For all the years that I was the one looking jealous at my other friends who got to speak lovely things to each other, got to embrace each other and got to have a day where visible love isn't yucked upon but celebrated, I could finally have that. Except, I can't... I don't feel I can celebrate today because the BF doesn't necessarily like certain aspects of it. And I don't blame him, over-commercialisation of love amongst other grievances are legitimate, even in my own opinion. But for the number of years I always cried and ate and drank because I couldn't celebrate love, I feel slightly saddened that I can't do it to the level I want to; when I finally have someone to do it with.

So Happy Tuesday 14th February. Here's to next week's Pancake Day!

It crossed my mind earlier on Monday... I'm so scared of judgement. But I'm going to the USA as my BF's first ever boyfriend... so I'll have to meet his parents. And that, my readers, made me shit a hellish brick. (Sidenote - shit doesn't come up with a squiggly red line underneath!) I'm going to have to 'meet the parents' at some point and I am so scared of that. For no matter how much I want to impress my BF and my family and my friends, it will be the in-laws who will be the most judgemental and analyse me and I have to make a good first impression.

Or I could go AWOL. In America. (Yu-Gi-Oh Abridged anyone?)

This is also the first time I have blogged with my BF listening to me type. But he also can't see what I'm typing. We talk so often about judgement but rarely if judgement is passed before a full case is to be heard (reference - John Terry). I see the singles in the world become empowered at the thought of being alone on Valentines, those couples who have someone be treated to what they want (not necessarily Hallmark) and then there's the feeling of indifference. When I'm either side of the Valentines spectrum, I still feel indifferent for now having someone. So... there's no middle ground... I just have been made to feel outcast by everyone on Valentines Day.

A card would have been nice. Hell, I'll send it myself.

Sunday, 12 February 2012

150 Days To Go

So, I only discovered this morning that my mum reads these blogs. Which is really heart-warming in one sense and scary in the other. Because these blogs are raw, from the heart. Something I've always been scared of is judgement and I always want to be judged in a good light by my parents. The fact that I have 150 days till I get to Gatwick and go to Tulsa makes it even more scary that I still worry primarily about what people think of me. Is this the concern of all teenage boys?

I panic myself easily. You don't need to prank me, I'll do it myself.

So I seem to have come down with a cold. But I never encountered anyone with a cold, so I know exactly why I got it. It happened after the pantomime I directed finished. Now I've got it after going broke and signing for a house. It's a stress related illness. I want this summer to roll around so badly that the time I'm not doing anything, I want it to end so I can be busy and kill the time till Tulsa.

I'm ill on my break but well during the work. Irony?

I'm going to see my best friend Liam at Greenwich University on Thursday. I can't wait, it makes me feel like a real Uni student. Everyone I know has had friends come up from their respective places to come visit and I get to do that soon. Hopefully he'll do the same at Easter. It actually means an awful lot to go down there and spend some time with him but it means I might sacrifice some time with my BF. I hope he understands how much it'll hurt that I won't get to sleep with him on Skype for a couple of days.

Anytime without him hurts. Lectures hurt. Work hurts. Love hurts.


Saturday, 11 February 2012

151 Days To Go

OK, so, yet again, I haven't blogged. This is down to several major factors that meant the last thing I wanted to do was talk about it. Then, whilst crying to a flatmate, I realised that I could be crying in his arms AND actually look for some help. He sat me down and he ended my panic really well (cheers James). In the mix of everything, I just wanted time to myself and my BF. I didn't want to label myself as 'obsessed' over what was going on, but I quickly realised that I was 'growing up'. And here's why.

And this is where I might start blubbing. Although I did promise James I wouldn't...

We got a house. It was the most part of Wednesday where househunting took centre stage. Our first viewing got cancelled but thanks to Tish and Nicola, we had more viewings. We found a great house with a reasonably good rent (only a couple of more quid than the place I'm in now per year) and a lovely view and room. It just worried me that I now have no money. At all. And whilst this was an eventful happening, this was not the only thing that happened that Wednesday...

And this is where I might start blubbing. Although I did promise myself I wouldn't...

It was my flatmates' 21st (Happy Birthday Alex!) and I promised I would get drunk. And I did. A little too much. The over-riding memory of that night was, basically, drinking two bottles of wine, gin and tonic, sambuca shots, pleading with an Indian man not to fine me after projectiling (for those 'cultured' others, I vomited rather violently and it got hang time) onto his cab and pleading with Steven not to leave me for being so wasted. Overall, it was an amazing night (even if I did get kicked out of the club) but I really wish I didn't drink so much that I felt so crap afterwards. I definitely remember talking to Steven though...

And this is where I might start blubbing. Although I did promise Steven I wouldn't...

I must confess. I felt that, after the late night tomfoolery, Steven would dump my candy ass (Rock to beat Cena) for being so stupid and reckless. Yet he, although he didn't look best pleased, stayed and wanted to talk and wanted me to have a good night. I've known couples to end because of drinking issues smaller than my one night stand, so I was so grateful that he wanted to hear me out and let me speak about how bad I felt that I did the things I did. I enjoyed myself, but too excessively. He didn't flip out at me and I know that because of this, he truly truly does have the heart that I have always wanted to love me.

And this is where I might start blubbing. Although I did promise my family I wouldn't...

I'm growing up. I'm doing it fast. Financially, I'm fecked. Friendship-wise, I'm doing better than expected. Academically, I failed my Maths assignment. Life has evened itself out. That sums up adulthood to me. You'll get by so long as one thing is going right. And so long as I have that healthy balance of school, life and love, I can't fail as I leave childhood and truly enter the world of being an adult.

I can't lie though, I'm damn scared.

Friday, 3 February 2012

159 Days To Go

Ok... so there has been developments. The reason I have not blogged them yet is to find certainty in where to go next. Now that I received that guidance, I can officially tell you that I failed my maths assignment and not for any good reason. Basically, my handwriting differed too much in my lesson plan to call it my own and the feedback of the evaluation was 'unduly harsh'. However, I still have to resubmit my work with improvements. So I spent the latter part of the evening yesterday doing my revised (typed) lesson plan. 1000 words later, I have my lesson plan. Today, I start the reworking of the evaluation. Minor edits only needed, but still a pain in the ass.

Only one I'll have this year, I hope. Giggity.

What I will say though, in comparison to 6th form, is the level of support from peers has been astronomically higher than I ever thought possible. I failed a lot of A-Level things and I was laughed at. Jeered even.(Snagglepuss reference, for the old skoolers) But here, my group has been so supportive. People fail and they ask what they can do to help. People are struggling and they show concern and a want for you to succeed. For these are the people who will pass with you, get their first classroom with you. They will follow you and you will follow them as you, together, achieve something only few others will ever do in the world at that moment.

PITE Group 4, thank you. You are StARs.

I've had a recurring nightmare the past couple of days. It's one I've never had before because, well, I've never really had a real relationship. I dreamt that I was cheated on. This has happened 2 nights in a row and I'm damn scared for tonight. I told Steven and he said 'well, it's not going to happen' and I believe him. But that's the thing about dreams, they have a horrible realism to them; a want to make you believe them; a want to make you see that it is truly possible. But I am so lucky to even have a boyfriend, let alone someone as perfect as Steven.

Any excuse for a late night, eh?

Wednesday, 1 February 2012

161 Days To Go: Part 1

Ok, so yesterday was one of the worst days for a very long time. I, basically, was being an utter twat. I asked for one thing and behaved like a petulant child when I didn't get it. I didn't get it because it would cause too much hassle for the BF to do. So, instead of behaving like the mature adult I know I can be, I turned 4 years old and walked off to help my flatmate who was upset. I walked away because I was angry, even after saying that I wasn't ever going to get angry. So not only did I act out, I lied. For most people, this would be the last straw. I've had so many chances and fecked up so many times, I'm writing the book on feck-ups. But somehow, my BF keeps on forgiving me. I don't know what I've done to deserve such copiously high amounts of forgiveness but I can tell you this and forever, it's a mark of the man if he forgives you for betraying his trust.

I didn't deserve forgiveness or a boyfriend after yesterday. Somehow, I have both. I truly am so thankful for what I have. I have the perfect BF. I love you, Steven.

Monday, 30 January 2012

163 Days To Go

Back to lectures. From the unconfined joy of the random utterances of little children who cannot tell the difference between an essence and a fictional sci-fi monster (The Nativity, t'was a laugh), I find myself back in lecture theatres and classrooms becoming, once again, the student. I'll be honest, I enjoyed laying in my bed watching endless reruns of Family Guy more. Heck, I enjoyed filling in my PDP more than learning what it means to be an 'Inspirational Teacher, Part 2' (Thinking someone's nicking their titles for their presentations from a certain someone...) but it just felt that we were back and they hadn't quite got why we were back. Like, we were supposed to be these awesome teachers now. And we've got the same sort of thing on Thursday.

Part 2. Clever. Cheats.

I'm about to go to drinks for my friend's 19th. As she was 19 whilst we were on school placement (and when I had money), she pushed it back to here (when we aren't on placement and I am without money). It's my first 'uni' drink in about 4 months. Not gonna lie, I am excited to get with the party atmosphere, but I'm glad I'm going early. Drinking was, but is no longer, my thing. I'm over the stage in my life where I drank because I was unhappy, much rather preferring a sober alternative. Too many bad things happen when drink is in you, not least when I was... nearly taken brutal advantage of. Having those who care around you, especially my BF, makes for the kind of atmosphere that I crave, I yearn for. My BF's concern for my drinking at university makes me really value him.

He doesn't mind that I'm broke though. It was all for a good cause.


Sunday, 29 January 2012

164 Days To Go: How To Comment

Now, silly me totally forgot that if people wanted to comment, they should have the right and ability to find out how. So, this blog will be as normal, but firstly here are some instructions for if you wish to comment.

1) Find the blog entry you wish to comment on. You can do this by either scrolling down or picking a blog entry from the archive on the right sidebar.
2) Scroll down to the end of the blog entry you wish to comment on.
3) There should be a hyperlink which states how many comments there are on that post (eg - 0 comments). Click that hyperlink.
4) On the new screen, it should tell you how many comments there are (if there are any, it will display them) and a little lower will be a 'Post a Comment' box.
5) Type your comment into the box. It can be as long, as short and as hurtful as you wish!
6) You can choose to comment with a profile (if you have a Google account or an IM account as such) as either with an identity or as 'anonymous'. If you post anonymous but wish to tell me who you are, please do so on the comment itself.

You now know how to comment! No excuses now...

I got speaking to my BF today (after he woke up... sleeptalking is not cool people...) and I was discussing something that, I thought, was pretty weird. Having bought the ticket, I've had images over and over again of that first meeting. I've replayed the same scenario a million times and I asked him if he did the same. He said no. So... am I overthinking things? Am I becoming a bit over-bearing on the issue? We (as a race) are profoundly selfish, such is the overuse of personal pronouns such as 'I' being used far too often for its own good. But I can't help but feel that maybe I am making a mistake by thinking about something that's happening way down the line. I must be wrong to think these things.

The BF put it perfectly into perspective. I'm surprised he hasn't freaked out yet.

There's something about this weather this week. It's either mild or freezing and yet I still feel so boiling. It doesn't help that our kitchen radiator, no matter what temperature setting you put it on, insists on maintaining its 'kiln' setting. I'm feeling more and more lethargic every day and I know it's not lack of sleep because any sleep I do get actually has a rejuvenation effect. So... this contrast in heat is going to be a real challenge these next few weeks.

40C in the States though when I visit. Winter tan, anyone? 

164 Days To Go: Part 1

Worcester's internet is behaving much like the Hokey Cokey. In, then out, then in again, then out again. Kind of like a party freak with alzheimers it was. So for the large part of this morning, I was panicking down Kik to the BF wondering what the hell my internet was playing at. Finally (at 2pm no less), it seems to have sorted everything out. So in that time, you'd think I'd do something productive? Nope. I decide to have breakfast late, lunch early and shower, when my time may have been better spent trying to find out where my new bank card is.

Not a worry now, but when April rolls around... I don't wanna be down a grand like last time...

I cross off every day on my 'Uni' year planner. What that means to me is that I can visually see how close it is to the end of the year and just what I'll have left. If I said that after January, I'll have a symmetrical two story short section, that won't mean a think to you. To me, it represents a lot of time already gone. Getting to colour in big blocks of time is always fun after a month as well, right now it stands at 5 and a half months until I get to board that plane and take off.

11 assignments to go though...

Now, not that I'm complaining or anything... but February is kind of a busy month. Whilst it'll be a month of hard work, settling down and house-hunting, it's also a rather sociable month by my standards. My flatmates' 21st (my first ever 21st... bit surreal) and travelling down to Greenwich to see my best mate at his uni (to get slowly sloshed at the pub), it's all a bit of a jam-packed month. But after that... only two more 'full' months at university and my first year is complete... my heart is beating faster just typing that!

And I'm going blonde again. That's where you stop reading this and 'sigh' again...

Saturday, 28 January 2012

165 Days To Go: Part 2

With all this newly emerged free time, I got quite a bit done today. Stuff that I couldn't do mainly because I was out of the house trying to teach kids that 'The Tyger' is just as thrilling as 'Smack Ma Bitch Up'. It's a hard task. I sorted out my SE folder (a day late, go figure), got through 5 discs of Family Guy and rediscovered that my purpose in life was to totally remember every single Eurovision entry from the last few years in my CD collection and become moved yet again by my true ability to mime along to 'My Heart Is Yours'. Not only that, started listening, again, to Rascal Flatts. I've truly missed them amongst all the Chase and Status I've been subjected to. And all of the BF' heavy metal when he plays it.

He has heavy metal. If he plays it, I bring Steps to America. His call.

I managed to make something even I didn't expect to ever exist. I had streaky bacon that was out of date tomorrow so I needed to use it today. But my bread was out of date. I had two options... straight bacon or have something out of my cupboard and mix it in. Considering the second option of the latter would have been tea bags, you would have hoped I would have been better prepared for this situation. Turns out I had Tomato and Bacon Soup. A BLT without the health or the L. In liquid form. My ability to improvise was tested and my drama background totally came through.

Still tasted like a BLT without the L. Crap.

Tonight, it sunk in. Today, I saw what my course was all about. Not any card from the kids, not any good marks from the assignments, nothing in this country. I had a bad morning and this evening, me and the BF had a good hour and a bit together just chatting, just laughing. I realised that the money I'd spent to get there, the money I'm spending on this course, it's so I can finally get what the world takes for granted. I can get what many people have experienced but probably never thought it was so special. And boy I'm excited for when it happens. For 6 weeks it happens everyday hopefully.

I'll get to see that smile, that laugh, that face without pixels. And I'll reflect it right back.

165 Days To Go: Part 1

Apologies for the lack of activity recently. With placement getting a hell of a lot busier, the temptation to lay down and fall asleep has never been greater. I'm glad I spelt 'greater' right here, I didn't in my phonics assignment (B+ though... stunning really...) and now I am frantically looking through all of my (submitted) essays in the hope I didn't make the same mistake. 2 B+'s though, I'm Mr Consistency. Pretty darn good seeing as the last essay he ever wrote before university only got him a D. And that was at A-Level.

A-Levels harder than university? Discuss, bitch and argue that one. On the house.

In 5 months and 13 days, I'll be on a plane and cacking it at 36,000 feet. I'm cacking it at sea level to be honest. This last week was so damn painful. The bonds you form with those you haven't had physical contact with are only pulled together by the increased solace and strength we find in their voice, their picture, their movement and their availability to be present. I got a total of 6 hours last week with my BF. To put that in context, on any normal lecture day at Uni, I'd get 3 hours on average. I spent the whole of last week spending as much time with him as I would in 2 days of a normal week. It was damn painful, I'd only get in to a timer of around an hour to get my stuff done and still have some time with him. Falling asleep on HIS break was not a high point either.

Still, the golden globe reminded me he was here. Always.

This placement has been just spectacular. The kids were amazing (including one that, even though they ignored me for half a day because I placed them with someone they didn't like, said I was an 'awesome' teacher!), the staff were so friendly and forthcoming and my colleagues on placement with me were such a hoot. Teaching has a borderline military camaraderie whereby everyone is in the same boat and needs/wants others to succeed in order to progress themselves. We weren't scared of failing what we had to do, but all our lessons were spectacularly well run and produced fantastic end products.

The 'thank you' card they made... I thought I cried enough on my birthday cards...

Longer blog this one to make up for the fact that I haven't done one in a week, although the variety of people who read this is truly remarkable. My flatmate reads this as well and she said I was 'some sort of celebrity' because I mentioned listening to Jessie J. I've rarely woken up laughing but that comment just made me giggle so much, she's such an outgoing and lovely person, can't wait to see her Sunday night! It also raised the point that today was the day applications for student finance next year started.

It's not about the money, money, money...

Sunday, 22 January 2012

171 Days To Go

So after a rather varied kind of night, I got up (yet again) at 9am. Not because I chose to, but bloody Skype kept failing. The BF's internet was being dodgy and I ended up getting up an hour early to start my day. Although it has its perks. I started watching 'Mrs Brown's Boys'. There seriously is something about a foul mouthed old woman (Brendan O'Carroll) and a TV show that breaks the 4th wall that seriously has me hooked. Although I totally forgot to buffer it when I went to have a shower. Therefore, t'was laggy.

I'm a fecking egit.

I was shopping in Worcester today. After realising I was an incredibly selfish and horrible person thanks to me completely disregarding the fact that I was buying things with money that wasn't mine. I saw something that I never thought I'd see. I used to eat chocolate biscuits that were little balls of biscuits. I saw the same biscuits... but flat. I nearly cried.

What can I say... I'm a balls kinda guy.

With one more week of placement left, I'm left to wonder just if I can do it on a regular basis. I'm so damn tired, I've fallen out with my loved ones twice. I'm left confused after each day as to whether I'm on top of all the work I need to do. I love my BF but I get cranky whenever I say something stupid and it brings it all down. Love being affected by early mornings is serious... and scary.

He'll read this and 'sigh'. I'll stop apologising when I stop f***ing up.

Saturday, 21 January 2012

172 Days To Go

Having finally got a few days off to relax, I believed my body was ready to say hello and goodbye to the new day in the same vein as someone in solitary confinement. Without seeing it in person. However, a text from my mum later and I'm up and awake at 9am and not able to get back to sleep. So... another 12 hour day of some kind makes up my (supposedly) productive Saturday. My to-do list this week involves a plan, a presentation and preparation of work. In other words, PPP Saturday.

I made you say P three times. He he.

My ordered shopping came through yesterday to a few surprises. I ordered my shopping at 11pm on a Wednesday. That meant I slept-ordered. In the same vein as sleep talking, I ordered quite poorly. Instead of fresh milk and sugar, I ordered 4 packs of bacon. Instead of ordering my lettuce and peppers I wanted, I ordered 10 bars of milk chocolate. So basically... I have a very student-like cupboard, full of tasty crap. So, on the one hand, I won't be eating healthily for a while. On the plus side, root beer is stocked.

Wish I ordered worse and got some vanilla ice cream... that's a hell of a drink...

Thanks to a recommendation from someone who follows this blog, I got listening to a little bit of Jessie J. I have to admit, my first impression of her as an artist consisted of hiding my face behind a pillow because jewel encrusted lips frightened the hell out of me. But she recommended 'Who's Laughing Now?' by her and it seriously got me thinking. I was made to feel worthless for a number of years by a few people over my love life and my life in general. Turns out I'm nearing 7 months with the BF and they've all ended up either in prison or single.

Who's laughing now? Not that I'm vengeful but I pissed myself when I found out.

Friday, 20 January 2012

173 Days To Go

So I haven't blogged in a little and here's why. I love kids. But I hate them. I do it in equal measure. So, kids is the reason. After starting placement, suddenly things really picked up. Workload coupled with late nights meant I was coming home shattered, falling asleep on Skype to the BF. Twice. He doesn't bore me, trust me, his voice is a huge relief after hearing 300 kids scream and shout that fractions and poetry is hard to solve and write respectively.

He still sent me to sleep though. Can't argue facts.

The kids on placement are so sweet. As per any good professional, I am not disclosing location or names. But they are such a good bunch. I loved teaching my parts of some lessons, although I will say I seem to be the sterner of the other colleagues I work with. Evil Mr Fulton, they call me. I walk in in a cape and kill them all. I kid of course, but it has changed totally the way I view kids behaviour. Essentially, make your mark. If you don't have kids, follow this advice.

Just don't hit them. Ok... whilst they aren't looking.

It hit me whilst I was on placement just what a huge change I was making in my life. I bought an £800 ticket... and I was turning up to placement the next day. Just what a massive chance I was taking, a huge gamble on the pure essence of what love is. I was willing to make financial chances in my life as well as huge lifestyle ones in order to make something I really wanted to work, work. My focus for the whole of my Thursday wasn't on teaching but if I had made a huge mistake. And then a child made me realise what I was doing... it was all the right thing to do. They said to me this, without any hesitation or lie...

'Mr Fulton, I love America. Do you love America?'

The kid made me keep on believing. Keep on dreaming. The want to be there drives me every day.

Tuesday, 17 January 2012

176 Days To Go

Blogging from the staff room doesn't only make you unsociable... It also makes you look busy and that suits me just fine. I'm not a huge fan of small talk but if someone wants to engage in discussion with me in school, I'd rather it was more... less teacher-y. It makes me feel so responsible! I'm not responsible, why, only last week I lost my lesson observations.

I'm a professional. (You'll hear this a lot before the trip. It's best said in a sarcastically young voice.)

Getting up early isn't doing my body any favours. I don't think anyone noticed but I was drifting off during a lesson observation. Not because the lesson was boring but because when the only thing that's been keeping you awake goes to sleep himself, you tend to wonder why you yourself isn't under a blanket.

Preferably with him. Giggity.