Wednesday, 29 February 2012

132 Days To Go

In starting this entry, M People came onto my iPod with 'Proud'. Incredibly indicative of my day today. I really made myself proud (something I seldom do these days) today by growing some balls and standing up for what I believe in. When those around you harass you for thinking what you think, they themselves are exposed. To question is to grow, but my baggage only grew more tiresome to deal with. One more ex that isn't a friend anymore. But I feel relieved that I stood up for what I believed in. I feel rather cleansed if I say so myself.

What did I do today, to make myself feel proud? David defeated Goliath.

In a couple of days, I get to go home. I can't wait to get home and receive and give a huge hug to my parents. To know that, for a couple of days, I'm their little baby once again and it is satisfying. To an extent though. Like, it's just going to feel so good that for a couple of days, I'm with the ones I really love and I have that security of home once again. To know that, for 48 hours, I'm around people who won't judge, it's a stunning feeling.

I'll feel part of the family once more.

I've been in an unseasonably good mood recently. I was feeling very very down for the last couple of days for just the reason that I desperately wanted to leave the country and meet Steven finally. However, recently I've picked up. It's just... things have been going right. They never go right for me, what the hell happened? I feel so much more secure in that fact that I'm in a (hopefully) very long relationship and just seeing Steven smile gives me such warmth. There's no better satisfaction in life seeing those you care about so much, smile. They just prove their eternal happiness.

Just under 19 weeks. <3

I just did a price search. It's been over a month and a half since I booked the ticket and I wanted to check the price of a ticket now in comparison to then. Next year, I'll be buying my ticket later than this year due to loan payments and my incredibly weird renting process. Turns out I'd only be paying £30 extra at this point... makes me think. If I had waited a little longer, I could have a few more seasons of The Big Bang Theory. Or another new pair of converses.

Or a V8. *points gun to mouth*

Sunday, 26 February 2012

135 Days To Go

This week has been, well, stressful. But not that stressful. It's been a week where not much has gone on, but because of that, so much has. I am home alone again for this weekend, but it'll be the last one like for a little while as I up sticks for a couple of days and happily march on home to a hug, good food and good times back in my homeland of Essex. When I went down to see Liam, it was a fantastic opportunity to relax, kick back and be in company that I, not only knew, but felt so relaxed with. I love my Worcester base, the friends I've made are priceless and my flatmates are all so welcoming. But those times when you need someone who's known you longer than you've known yourself to give you that hug and boot up the arse, you pine for home. And I'm so damn thankful to be getting it.

A grown man can cry for his mummy whenever he wants. It's where he does it that depends if he gets funny looks.

I put off doing my Art assignment lesson plan because I never felt in the right mood to work and do it. But oddly enough, doubt from unlikely sources spurred me on. Steven casually observed that I'd said I'd do it, and then every day I'd say 'I'll leave it to tomorrow', to which he'd follow up with 'we'll see'. Whilst he says it was teasing, it pissed me off no end. I know he reads these but for a very long time, I've had a lot of people expect a lot of me and when I don't deliver, I am jabbed and poked about it. Now whilst he's experienced similar, I didn't ever want him to doubt that I'm a man of my word. Which is why I sat my arse down and for an hour, I typed and typed until I completed a lesson plan.

I usually don't want my BF to be quiet. For the times, they are, a changing.

I had a very low week. I wasn't particularly happy, I wasn't cheery and I couldn't get any energy to do anything productive. It got me thinking about just how badly we treat those who want to help us. It's how (oddly enough) me and Steven bonded. I was dumped and I pushed him away because, well, I thought I could handle a break up on my own. That was stupid. But all this time, Steven has wanted to help me and show me that what I do and say sometimes are not the logical and best option. I'm a man who wears his heart on his sleeve. Whilst that isn't necessarily a bad thing, it is when it isn't moderated. We end up disregarding our sane mind in favour of what feels right to say or do. When not handled right, it can destroy the bonds it took months, even years to build. Steven has, honestly, the smartest brain I've ever seen.

Thank you Steven. Truly, I know I'm more wrong than I let on. I'm sorry. I love you.

Monday, 20 February 2012

141 Days To Go

I woke up this morning (after the grand total of 30 minutes of sleep) to the news that I had actually reached a bit of a milestone. 1000 reads. 1000 times, people clicked on the links and wanted to read about this adventure. That's not to say 1000 people are interested, more like 20 people quite like a re-read I think. But it does show that people do read this. And more importantly, it shows me that there's a genuine interest in feelings, a genuine interest in the want to show progression and feedback and empathise with the writer.

Or I could look at it and say 'I GOT 1000!!!!!'. Celebratory oxygen for all! It's on me.

I have an ear infection. There is only one upshot to that. Whenever someone tries to talk to you in your bad ear, you can say 'what?' all you want and they can't get angry. They can't get angry because your ear doesn't work. That's like getting angry at a paraplegic for not walking to the shops with you. You know who you are, you disgust me. But it also means I'm in a constant pain. Which means I get frustrated because I can't function properly. Which means I get passive-aggressive. Not a good sign, but since recently I haven't had as much time to talk to the boyfriend, it is understandable.

They call it a 'man period'. Whatever it is, I'm just relieved I haven't had to stick anything in my foof.

I spent a rather enjoyable couple of days in Greenwich visiting my best friend Liam at his digs. We did the things we used to do round each others homes before we both left, which made me really nostalgic. We went down the pub and, of course, we didn't get stabbed (for inner London, I'm impressed). The only bone of contention was with the fact that my ear started playing up whilst I was down there. So I don't think he relished me hogging his laptop to look at local GP surgeries! I loved the time I spent down there and I met some lovely people. Here's hoping the next nice place I get to visit has plenty of the same (hint hint - Tulsa, hint hint).

I also lived in Maccy D's for those couple of days. I was pissing fries and dumping nuggets at the end.

It's going to be a busy couple of days and, hopefully, a profitable one. I'm just really hoping Worcester speed up paying me back on my transport expenses. That's £50 I need to cover my overdraft!! But with resubmissions, creative art, PE, milk, pancake day AND postage of a special present to the States (Airsure fecking rules) all within the space of 48 hours, I can't say I'm relishing doing all of this whilst registering for a GP and writing more poetry. Oh, and there's the small issue of getting home next weekend!!

Something tells me once this term is finished, you'll see a happier, healthier David.

Tuesday, 14 February 2012

148 Days To Go: Valentines

So, it's the first time ever that I get to celebrate Valentines Day with someone. For all the years that I was the one looking jealous at my other friends who got to speak lovely things to each other, got to embrace each other and got to have a day where visible love isn't yucked upon but celebrated, I could finally have that. Except, I can't... I don't feel I can celebrate today because the BF doesn't necessarily like certain aspects of it. And I don't blame him, over-commercialisation of love amongst other grievances are legitimate, even in my own opinion. But for the number of years I always cried and ate and drank because I couldn't celebrate love, I feel slightly saddened that I can't do it to the level I want to; when I finally have someone to do it with.

So Happy Tuesday 14th February. Here's to next week's Pancake Day!

It crossed my mind earlier on Monday... I'm so scared of judgement. But I'm going to the USA as my BF's first ever boyfriend... so I'll have to meet his parents. And that, my readers, made me shit a hellish brick. (Sidenote - shit doesn't come up with a squiggly red line underneath!) I'm going to have to 'meet the parents' at some point and I am so scared of that. For no matter how much I want to impress my BF and my family and my friends, it will be the in-laws who will be the most judgemental and analyse me and I have to make a good first impression.

Or I could go AWOL. In America. (Yu-Gi-Oh Abridged anyone?)

This is also the first time I have blogged with my BF listening to me type. But he also can't see what I'm typing. We talk so often about judgement but rarely if judgement is passed before a full case is to be heard (reference - John Terry). I see the singles in the world become empowered at the thought of being alone on Valentines, those couples who have someone be treated to what they want (not necessarily Hallmark) and then there's the feeling of indifference. When I'm either side of the Valentines spectrum, I still feel indifferent for now having someone. So... there's no middle ground... I just have been made to feel outcast by everyone on Valentines Day.

A card would have been nice. Hell, I'll send it myself.

Sunday, 12 February 2012

150 Days To Go

So, I only discovered this morning that my mum reads these blogs. Which is really heart-warming in one sense and scary in the other. Because these blogs are raw, from the heart. Something I've always been scared of is judgement and I always want to be judged in a good light by my parents. The fact that I have 150 days till I get to Gatwick and go to Tulsa makes it even more scary that I still worry primarily about what people think of me. Is this the concern of all teenage boys?

I panic myself easily. You don't need to prank me, I'll do it myself.

So I seem to have come down with a cold. But I never encountered anyone with a cold, so I know exactly why I got it. It happened after the pantomime I directed finished. Now I've got it after going broke and signing for a house. It's a stress related illness. I want this summer to roll around so badly that the time I'm not doing anything, I want it to end so I can be busy and kill the time till Tulsa.

I'm ill on my break but well during the work. Irony?

I'm going to see my best friend Liam at Greenwich University on Thursday. I can't wait, it makes me feel like a real Uni student. Everyone I know has had friends come up from their respective places to come visit and I get to do that soon. Hopefully he'll do the same at Easter. It actually means an awful lot to go down there and spend some time with him but it means I might sacrifice some time with my BF. I hope he understands how much it'll hurt that I won't get to sleep with him on Skype for a couple of days.

Anytime without him hurts. Lectures hurt. Work hurts. Love hurts.

Saturday, 11 February 2012

151 Days To Go

OK, so, yet again, I haven't blogged. This is down to several major factors that meant the last thing I wanted to do was talk about it. Then, whilst crying to a flatmate, I realised that I could be crying in his arms AND actually look for some help. He sat me down and he ended my panic really well (cheers James). In the mix of everything, I just wanted time to myself and my BF. I didn't want to label myself as 'obsessed' over what was going on, but I quickly realised that I was 'growing up'. And here's why.

And this is where I might start blubbing. Although I did promise James I wouldn't...

We got a house. It was the most part of Wednesday where househunting took centre stage. Our first viewing got cancelled but thanks to Tish and Nicola, we had more viewings. We found a great house with a reasonably good rent (only a couple of more quid than the place I'm in now per year) and a lovely view and room. It just worried me that I now have no money. At all. And whilst this was an eventful happening, this was not the only thing that happened that Wednesday...

And this is where I might start blubbing. Although I did promise myself I wouldn't...

It was my flatmates' 21st (Happy Birthday Alex!) and I promised I would get drunk. And I did. A little too much. The over-riding memory of that night was, basically, drinking two bottles of wine, gin and tonic, sambuca shots, pleading with an Indian man not to fine me after projectiling (for those 'cultured' others, I vomited rather violently and it got hang time) onto his cab and pleading with Steven not to leave me for being so wasted. Overall, it was an amazing night (even if I did get kicked out of the club) but I really wish I didn't drink so much that I felt so crap afterwards. I definitely remember talking to Steven though...

And this is where I might start blubbing. Although I did promise Steven I wouldn't...

I must confess. I felt that, after the late night tomfoolery, Steven would dump my candy ass (Rock to beat Cena) for being so stupid and reckless. Yet he, although he didn't look best pleased, stayed and wanted to talk and wanted me to have a good night. I've known couples to end because of drinking issues smaller than my one night stand, so I was so grateful that he wanted to hear me out and let me speak about how bad I felt that I did the things I did. I enjoyed myself, but too excessively. He didn't flip out at me and I know that because of this, he truly truly does have the heart that I have always wanted to love me.

And this is where I might start blubbing. Although I did promise my family I wouldn't...

I'm growing up. I'm doing it fast. Financially, I'm fecked. Friendship-wise, I'm doing better than expected. Academically, I failed my Maths assignment. Life has evened itself out. That sums up adulthood to me. You'll get by so long as one thing is going right. And so long as I have that healthy balance of school, life and love, I can't fail as I leave childhood and truly enter the world of being an adult.

I can't lie though, I'm damn scared.

Friday, 3 February 2012

159 Days To Go

Ok... so there has been developments. The reason I have not blogged them yet is to find certainty in where to go next. Now that I received that guidance, I can officially tell you that I failed my maths assignment and not for any good reason. Basically, my handwriting differed too much in my lesson plan to call it my own and the feedback of the evaluation was 'unduly harsh'. However, I still have to resubmit my work with improvements. So I spent the latter part of the evening yesterday doing my revised (typed) lesson plan. 1000 words later, I have my lesson plan. Today, I start the reworking of the evaluation. Minor edits only needed, but still a pain in the ass.

Only one I'll have this year, I hope. Giggity.

What I will say though, in comparison to 6th form, is the level of support from peers has been astronomically higher than I ever thought possible. I failed a lot of A-Level things and I was laughed at. Jeered even.(Snagglepuss reference, for the old skoolers) But here, my group has been so supportive. People fail and they ask what they can do to help. People are struggling and they show concern and a want for you to succeed. For these are the people who will pass with you, get their first classroom with you. They will follow you and you will follow them as you, together, achieve something only few others will ever do in the world at that moment.

PITE Group 4, thank you. You are StARs.

I've had a recurring nightmare the past couple of days. It's one I've never had before because, well, I've never really had a real relationship. I dreamt that I was cheated on. This has happened 2 nights in a row and I'm damn scared for tonight. I told Steven and he said 'well, it's not going to happen' and I believe him. But that's the thing about dreams, they have a horrible realism to them; a want to make you believe them; a want to make you see that it is truly possible. But I am so lucky to even have a boyfriend, let alone someone as perfect as Steven.

Any excuse for a late night, eh?

Wednesday, 1 February 2012

161 Days To Go: Part 1

Ok, so yesterday was one of the worst days for a very long time. I, basically, was being an utter twat. I asked for one thing and behaved like a petulant child when I didn't get it. I didn't get it because it would cause too much hassle for the BF to do. So, instead of behaving like the mature adult I know I can be, I turned 4 years old and walked off to help my flatmate who was upset. I walked away because I was angry, even after saying that I wasn't ever going to get angry. So not only did I act out, I lied. For most people, this would be the last straw. I've had so many chances and fecked up so many times, I'm writing the book on feck-ups. But somehow, my BF keeps on forgiving me. I don't know what I've done to deserve such copiously high amounts of forgiveness but I can tell you this and forever, it's a mark of the man if he forgives you for betraying his trust.

I didn't deserve forgiveness or a boyfriend after yesterday. Somehow, I have both. I truly am so thankful for what I have. I have the perfect BF. I love you, Steven.