123 Days To Go

I'm back home in Essex. I admit, I was buzzing the first time because it was the first time in about 2 months that I'd seen my parents. This time, I just wanted to be home because I knew I'd be in the company of people who wouldn't throw me under the bus. I was so frustrated and annoyed yesterday, but I spoke it out with my parents and they made me feel respected. Something that I think some people don't want me to feel sometimes. When you are made to feel like a scapegoat, you find that those who accept you are those who value you for who you are and not for being a 'yes' man.

I'm so much more than a 'yes' man. I say 'no' too.

I had a really lovely 24hrs with Steven yesterday. Mainly because we are both adults and I was really made to feel like a nice adult at that by him. We talked things out and we had fun and we had a laugh. Me and him have such a good connection. I think I could talk the head off a torso, but he just lets it happen. The weirdest thing is, well, he loves it. I'm naturally very introverted but if I like someone, I come out of my comfort zone and I appear very confident. I'm not a confident person at all, but he just feels so welcoming. Which means, come July 10th, I'll be expecting the biggest hug of my life.

I'll bring the tissues. Because, after a whole year of waiting, you are bound to run and cry down that arrival gate and into the arms of the one you want to be with. Duh.

It's that time in the education system when you start to ween out who's been playing a game. Who's been a true, real friend to you. I got that feeling throughout Thursday. Me and Nicola (my Worcester best friend) had an amazing little session that night with our friend Katy and we just laughed the night away (NB - Nicking Nic's phone and texting her loverboy IS NOT THE WAY to a friend's heart or speech). It's exactly what I needed; that day was going to be a total blowover until they saved it. I can't wait for Thursday though, having a kick about with lads in our group is going to be a real highlight of my week.

76 goals in 150 appearances. I have a name to behold.

125 Days To Go

I've got to admit, I'm feeling a little low. Things haven't been adding up so well since I got back to Uni. Granted, I passed my Maths resubmission (B on the 2nd attempt, get in?) and I'm so looking forward to being back in Essex again this weekend, but I feel like I'm pushing things off the rails. Everyone is human and they make mistakes, but why today, of all days, am I killing myself over my BF forgetting one little request? I'm down, I'm crying, it's almost like I'm on some sort of time of the month. Am I wrong to be hurt by it?

And then this makes me doubt everything. I have to keep checking my Maths to believe I've passed.

Now this does sound corny but... I do like romancing a little. I love doing it... but it's never happened vice versa. I've never really been 'romanced', so to say. Sounds stupid to say but I feel like I'm not good enough to be 'romanced'. Admittedly, it's hard to be romanced so far away, but I'd kill for the little messages of affection. I love being in love and I want the world to know that I have love back. I don't give to receive because I know what makes him smile and what makes him happy.

I know I'm a hard person to like... much harder to love.

It's been a week since I got rid of my old baggage and I'm so relieved he is out of my life. For all the problems I've ever had with Steven, the baggage has given me 100x more. I can't remember feeling this happy that my life is all in order, but feeling so low for being hurt once by the one I love. He's perfect, he's always on my mind in lectures, on my travels he pops up, every piece of music I listen to, he features. I love him with all of my heart and I've not put him up on a pedastool. I'm a complete wreck, I shouldn't be depressed when I belong to perfection.

With the way I feel, he's heroic for staying put...

I wish this could be a happier blog. I want to have a smile on my face. I want you to join in with my euphoria at being 125 days away from the grandest day of my life. But I will now have to hijack your hearts slightly further by asking you to visit www.kony2012.com. Joseph Kony is a war criminal in Uganda who, disgracefully, we are only starting to realise. Please watch the video and join the pledge and help up oust the Hitler of Africa.

Just by sharing that video, you've shared the exposure of his doings. Please.

I'm more nervous than ever now. I'm scared this whole thing will hang over for a long time. If I'm holding on (stupidly) for one little thing, what the hell will happen if something bigger happens? I felt the mood change so badly today, almost instantly. I wasn't smiling, I needed to take breaks to talk to him. I needed to splash cold water over my face to calm down, what must he think of me? Am I some kind of controlling monster? I feel like an unloving prat. Because I love him so much, I'm hurt. That doesn't make sense... so why on God's green earth am I tearing up and crying writing this?

All my life I've felt this way, but I could never find the words to say... stay.

I've been sitting here staring at the clock on the wall... he knows the rest.

130 Days To Go

Significantly, my first blog from home. I got home and finally got the hug I've waited for for as long as two months. My mum was waiting and we just locked up and couldn't let go. I'm not lying, I was holding back some tears. It just felt so good to be held on to and felt like someone didn't want me to leave. My parents have been nothing but golden, so supportive and welcoming. Coming home just brought back all those feelings of growing up, knowing that I'm not going to get a hug when I go back, I'm not going to have a meal waiting for me. It's just going to be me, grown up, again.

There really is no place like home. Scary to think I can't call it 'my home' anymore.

Me and my mum got chatting and catching up on everything. I showed her my school experience folder (just to prove that I wasn't lying when I said I got some 'outstanding' marks, I really didn't hit any kids) and we got caught up on all issues. And we got chatting about the trip again. You know when you try so desperately to say something to someone but it wouldn't do any good? I'd like to think and recognise I'm in a relationship. A loving and fulfilling relationship (at least at this stage, before meeting) but I don't think people see it as anything more than a friendship.

If the latter is the case, I'm a massive slut. *shows sideboob*

I've had a stunning few days. Only yesterday I found out I'd been called to attend a disciplinary hearing for Alex's 21st (not our fault but our responsibility) but that didn't get me down. Instead, I got a lot of work done and I'd like to think I'm making my boyfriend happy by being in this happy and real mood. Of course, usually seeing me happy either means someone's given me money or the ex's that hate me have validated my reasons for not liking them. When both happens within 24 hours, it makes my smile even bigger than certain people's egos!

I'm feeling a little dance coming on... but I won't embarrass myself... again...

131 Days To Go

I'm in the mood for summer. And this time, not just July 10th. No, I mean some proper summer. The sun rising at 6am, the sun setting at 8/9pm and the days where the lessons take place outside. Why am I in this mood? Because it's the last time I was so truly happy. The hot days, the hotter friendships and the hottest moods, I cannot wait to wake up to bright sunlight and look forward to a day where I learn with the windows open and learn without the mind being closed. Plus, in retrospect, last summer was about success and change. This summer is all about fun and frolics abroad and at home.

Oh, and the summer playlist. That will be mentioned a lot more soon. Hint - Smooth makes it.

I slept amazingly well last night considering what happened the previous day. I woke up today to something that has put a permanent smile on my face for the whole of today. So, truly, the last 24hrs have been utter bliss. Steven messaged me whilst I was alseep. You'll read this and think 'what's so special about that?', but it's the fact that rarely it ever happens. So, rarely, he takes time out of whatever he is doing to message me, knowing I'm not going to reply. He just wants to talk to me when I can't. In some way, I get a lot of happiness from that. And having woken up to see that, I feel ever so loved.

It feels like I'm being touched by an angel when he does that. I know Steven will have something to say about that...

Lectures today brought home an important message. In 131 days time, I'll finally be in front of someone I really want to listen to and to learn from. I'm not going to lie, there are indecencies I'd rather suffer than sit through a Maths lecture, so it makes the want for it all to end so much bigger. I'm paying near enough £3.5k a year to be told that I can't read a calculator to tell me what a calculator should say. (Confused? So was I.) It brought back the simple happiness I derived from the small things in life as well. Happiness such as winding up one of my best friends about her 'lovers', happiness such as a Strongbow whilst playing pool with a friend, happiness such as listening to the music you loved long ago.

A weird mix, Blondie, alcohol and lovers. Anyone would think that I went back in time to get laid...

132 Days To Go

In starting this entry, M People came onto my iPod with 'Proud'. Incredibly indicative of my day today. I really made myself proud (something I seldom do these days) today by growing some balls and standing up for what I believe in. When those around you harass you for thinking what you think, they themselves are exposed. To question is to grow, but my baggage only grew more tiresome to deal with. One more ex that isn't a friend anymore. But I feel relieved that I stood up for what I believed in. I feel rather cleansed if I say so myself.

What did I do today, to make myself feel proud? David defeated Goliath.

In a couple of days, I get to go home. I can't wait to get home and receive and give a huge hug to my parents. To know that, for a couple of days, I'm their little baby once again and it is satisfying. To an extent though. Like, it's just going to feel so good that for a couple of days, I'm with the ones I really love and I have that security of home once again. To know that, for 48 hours, I'm around people who won't judge, it's a stunning feeling.

I'll feel part of the family once more.

I've been in an unseasonably good mood recently. I was feeling very very down for the last couple of days for just the reason that I desperately wanted to leave the country and meet Steven finally. However, recently I've picked up. It's just... things have been going right. They never go right for me, what the hell happened? I feel so much more secure in that fact that I'm in a (hopefully) very long relationship and just seeing Steven smile gives me such warmth. There's no better satisfaction in life seeing those you care about so much, smile. They just prove their eternal happiness.

Just under 19 weeks. <3

I just did a price search. It's been over a month and a half since I booked the ticket and I wanted to check the price of a ticket now in comparison to then. Next year, I'll be buying my ticket later than this year due to loan payments and my incredibly weird renting process. Turns out I'd only be paying £30 extra at this point... makes me think. If I had waited a little longer, I could have a few more seasons of The Big Bang Theory. Or another new pair of converses.

Or a V8. *points gun to mouth*

135 Days To Go

This week has been, well, stressful. But not that stressful. It's been a week where not much has gone on, but because of that, so much has. I am home alone again for this weekend, but it'll be the last one like for a little while as I up sticks for a couple of days and happily march on home to a hug, good food and good times back in my homeland of Essex. When I went down to see Liam, it was a fantastic opportunity to relax, kick back and be in company that I, not only knew, but felt so relaxed with. I love my Worcester base, the friends I've made are priceless and my flatmates are all so welcoming. But those times when you need someone who's known you longer than you've known yourself to give you that hug and boot up the arse, you pine for home. And I'm so damn thankful to be getting it.

A grown man can cry for his mummy whenever he wants. It's where he does it that depends if he gets funny looks.

I put off doing my Art assignment lesson plan because I never felt in the right mood to work and do it. But oddly enough, doubt from unlikely sources spurred me on. Steven casually observed that I'd said I'd do it, and then every day I'd say 'I'll leave it to tomorrow', to which he'd follow up with 'we'll see'. Whilst he says it was teasing, it pissed me off no end. I know he reads these but for a very long time, I've had a lot of people expect a lot of me and when I don't deliver, I am jabbed and poked about it. Now whilst he's experienced similar, I didn't ever want him to doubt that I'm a man of my word. Which is why I sat my arse down and for an hour, I typed and typed until I completed a lesson plan.

I usually don't want my BF to be quiet. For the times, they are, a changing.

I had a very low week. I wasn't particularly happy, I wasn't cheery and I couldn't get any energy to do anything productive. It got me thinking about just how badly we treat those who want to help us. It's how (oddly enough) me and Steven bonded. I was dumped and I pushed him away because, well, I thought I could handle a break up on my own. That was stupid. But all this time, Steven has wanted to help me and show me that what I do and say sometimes are not the logical and best option. I'm a man who wears his heart on his sleeve. Whilst that isn't necessarily a bad thing, it is when it isn't moderated. We end up disregarding our sane mind in favour of what feels right to say or do. When not handled right, it can destroy the bonds it took months, even years to build. Steven has, honestly, the smartest brain I've ever seen.

Thank you Steven. Truly, I know I'm more wrong than I let on. I'm sorry. I love you.

141 Days To Go

I woke up this morning (after the grand total of 30 minutes of sleep) to the news that I had actually reached a bit of a milestone. 1000 reads. 1000 times, people clicked on the links and wanted to read about this adventure. That's not to say 1000 people are interested, more like 20 people quite like a re-read I think. But it does show that people do read this. And more importantly, it shows me that there's a genuine interest in feelings, a genuine interest in the want to show progression and feedback and empathise with the writer.

Or I could look at it and say 'I GOT 1000!!!!!'. Celebratory oxygen for all! It's on me.

I have an ear infection. There is only one upshot to that. Whenever someone tries to talk to you in your bad ear, you can say 'what?' all you want and they can't get angry. They can't get angry because your ear doesn't work. That's like getting angry at a paraplegic for not walking to the shops with you. You know who you are, you disgust me. But it also means I'm in a constant pain. Which means I get frustrated because I can't function properly. Which means I get passive-aggressive. Not a good sign, but since recently I haven't had as much time to talk to the boyfriend, it is understandable.

They call it a 'man period'. Whatever it is, I'm just relieved I haven't had to stick anything in my foof.

I spent a rather enjoyable couple of days in Greenwich visiting my best friend Liam at his digs. We did the things we used to do round each others homes before we both left, which made me really nostalgic. We went down the pub and, of course, we didn't get stabbed (for inner London, I'm impressed). The only bone of contention was with the fact that my ear started playing up whilst I was down there. So I don't think he relished me hogging his laptop to look at local GP surgeries! I loved the time I spent down there and I met some lovely people. Here's hoping the next nice place I get to visit has plenty of the same (hint hint - Tulsa, hint hint).

I also lived in Maccy D's for those couple of days. I was pissing fries and dumping nuggets at the end.

It's going to be a busy couple of days and, hopefully, a profitable one. I'm just really hoping Worcester speed up paying me back on my transport expenses. That's £50 I need to cover my overdraft!! But with resubmissions, creative art, PE, milk, pancake day AND postage of a special present to the States (Airsure fecking rules) all within the space of 48 hours, I can't say I'm relishing doing all of this whilst registering for a GP and writing more poetry. Oh, and there's the small issue of getting home next weekend!!

Something tells me once this term is finished, you'll see a happier, healthier David.

148 Days To Go: Valentines

So, it's the first time ever that I get to celebrate Valentines Day with someone. For all the years that I was the one looking jealous at my other friends who got to speak lovely things to each other, got to embrace each other and got to have a day where visible love isn't yucked upon but celebrated, I could finally have that. Except, I can't... I don't feel I can celebrate today because the BF doesn't necessarily like certain aspects of it. And I don't blame him, over-commercialisation of love amongst other grievances are legitimate, even in my own opinion. But for the number of years I always cried and ate and drank because I couldn't celebrate love, I feel slightly saddened that I can't do it to the level I want to; when I finally have someone to do it with.

So Happy Tuesday 14th February. Here's to next week's Pancake Day!

It crossed my mind earlier on Monday... I'm so scared of judgement. But I'm going to the USA as my BF's first ever boyfriend... so I'll have to meet his parents. And that, my readers, made me shit a hellish brick. (Sidenote - shit doesn't come up with a squiggly red line underneath!) I'm going to have to 'meet the parents' at some point and I am so scared of that. For no matter how much I want to impress my BF and my family and my friends, it will be the in-laws who will be the most judgemental and analyse me and I have to make a good first impression.

Or I could go AWOL. In America. (Yu-Gi-Oh Abridged anyone?)

This is also the first time I have blogged with my BF listening to me type. But he also can't see what I'm typing. We talk so often about judgement but rarely if judgement is passed before a full case is to be heard (reference - John Terry). I see the singles in the world become empowered at the thought of being alone on Valentines, those couples who have someone be treated to what they want (not necessarily Hallmark) and then there's the feeling of indifference. When I'm either side of the Valentines spectrum, I still feel indifferent for now having someone. So... there's no middle ground... I just have been made to feel outcast by everyone on Valentines Day.

A card would have been nice. Hell, I'll send it myself.

150 Days To Go

So, I only discovered this morning that my mum reads these blogs. Which is really heart-warming in one sense and scary in the other. Because these blogs are raw, from the heart. Something I've always been scared of is judgement and I always want to be judged in a good light by my parents. The fact that I have 150 days till I get to Gatwick and go to Tulsa makes it even more scary that I still worry primarily about what people think of me. Is this the concern of all teenage boys?

I panic myself easily. You don't need to prank me, I'll do it myself.

So I seem to have come down with a cold. But I never encountered anyone with a cold, so I know exactly why I got it. It happened after the pantomime I directed finished. Now I've got it after going broke and signing for a house. It's a stress related illness. I want this summer to roll around so badly that the time I'm not doing anything, I want it to end so I can be busy and kill the time till Tulsa.

I'm ill on my break but well during the work. Irony?

I'm going to see my best friend Liam at Greenwich University on Thursday. I can't wait, it makes me feel like a real Uni student. Everyone I know has had friends come up from their respective places to come visit and I get to do that soon. Hopefully he'll do the same at Easter. It actually means an awful lot to go down there and spend some time with him but it means I might sacrifice some time with my BF. I hope he understands how much it'll hurt that I won't get to sleep with him on Skype for a couple of days.

Anytime without him hurts. Lectures hurt. Work hurts. Love hurts.

151 Days To Go

OK, so, yet again, I haven't blogged. This is down to several major factors that meant the last thing I wanted to do was talk about it. Then, whilst crying to a flatmate, I realised that I could be crying in his arms AND actually look for some help. He sat me down and he ended my panic really well (cheers James). In the mix of everything, I just wanted time to myself and my BF. I didn't want to label myself as 'obsessed' over what was going on, but I quickly realised that I was 'growing up'. And here's why.

And this is where I might start blubbing. Although I did promise James I wouldn't...

We got a house. It was the most part of Wednesday where househunting took centre stage. Our first viewing got cancelled but thanks to Tish and Nicola, we had more viewings. We found a great house with a reasonably good rent (only a couple of more quid than the place I'm in now per year) and a lovely view and room. It just worried me that I now have no money. At all. And whilst this was an eventful happening, this was not the only thing that happened that Wednesday...

And this is where I might start blubbing. Although I did promise myself I wouldn't...

It was my flatmates' 21st (Happy Birthday Alex!) and I promised I would get drunk. And I did. A little too much. The over-riding memory of that night was, basically, drinking two bottles of wine, gin and tonic, sambuca shots, pleading with an Indian man not to fine me after projectiling (for those 'cultured' others, I vomited rather violently and it got hang time) onto his cab and pleading with Steven not to leave me for being so wasted. Overall, it was an amazing night (even if I did get kicked out of the club) but I really wish I didn't drink so much that I felt so crap afterwards. I definitely remember talking to Steven though...

And this is where I might start blubbing. Although I did promise Steven I wouldn't...

I must confess. I felt that, after the late night tomfoolery, Steven would dump my candy ass (Rock to beat Cena) for being so stupid and reckless. Yet he, although he didn't look best pleased, stayed and wanted to talk and wanted me to have a good night. I've known couples to end because of drinking issues smaller than my one night stand, so I was so grateful that he wanted to hear me out and let me speak about how bad I felt that I did the things I did. I enjoyed myself, but too excessively. He didn't flip out at me and I know that because of this, he truly truly does have the heart that I have always wanted to love me.

And this is where I might start blubbing. Although I did promise my family I wouldn't...

I'm growing up. I'm doing it fast. Financially, I'm fecked. Friendship-wise, I'm doing better than expected. Academically, I failed my Maths assignment. Life has evened itself out. That sums up adulthood to me. You'll get by so long as one thing is going right. And so long as I have that healthy balance of school, life and love, I can't fail as I leave childhood and truly enter the world of being an adult.

I can't lie though, I'm damn scared.